Happy 5th Angel Birthday Hope Abigail

I don't know what it is about that 5th angel b-day, but, it takes a lot out of me reaching this milestone. I just feel so lost because it feels like such a long time ago that Hope was safely inside me, my little surprise, for my 40th b-day.  This year has been extra hard having the days of the week be exactly as they were in 2011--that makes me want to scream reliving everything at the exact same time.  It is horrifying for me to have Hope's 5th Angel B-day be on mothers day weekend just like it was--that was the worst mothers day present ever!!  It is hard facing my own b-day in a week just like it was in 2011 remembering all the plans I had to celebrate every day up to my 40th b-day--instead all those plans got canceled because I was an emotional and physical wreck--I spent my 40th b-day doing what I did not want to do--crying because of the unfairness of life.   I want to take back my own b-day and enjoy it again, but, it still feels so empty and this year I am sad because 5 years ago I still had a little bit of hope that there would still be a rainbow baby to come.  I had no idea the agony I would go through after I loss her of not being able to get pregnant again for 2 1/2 years and then when I finally did become pregnant 2 final times I miscarried 2 more babies.  I never imagined I would still be here 5 years later still empty and broken with no rainbow baby and that dream stolen away from me forever. It is no wonder I have been depressed the past couple of months.

I am grateful for the 10 short weeks I had with Hope.  I am grateful that she gave me a reason to smile again and helped me find peace for those weeks we were together.

Happy 5th Angel Birthday

Hope Abigail!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!

YOU ARE ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

LOVE, Mommy

1 Day to Hope's Angel B-day

Today my belief and hope began to dwindle because the light spotting began to turn into heavy bleeding and cramping.  I put myself on bed rest and hoped this was just a temporary thing and that tomorrow everything would be okay--I think I knew deep down inside that Hope Abigail was gone and that despite my protests I was going to be the mother of 2 angels.  I couldn't believe that God could do this to me again.  I couldn't believe that this could happen on mother's day weekend.  I couldn't believe that I wasn't even going to make it to my 40th b-day in 8 days--Hope was going to be my best birthday present ever--that was when I was going to announce I was pregnant.  Instead this all turned into another one of my worst nightmares.

2 Days to Hope's Angel B-day

Decorating Hope's Remembrance Stone

I decorated Hope's remembrance stone early hoping that maybe it wouldn't be as hard as it normally is trying to decorate on her actual angel b-day. My plan didn't work. I still really struggled and cried while putting the decorations out. I just feel so very cheated--I want my baby back not all these hard trigger memories and empty angel b-day plans. :`(

May the 4th Be With You!

3 Days to Hope's Angel B-day

4 Days to Hope's angel b-day

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were days of hope for me because my spotting was really light and I still truly believed that everything was going to be okay and that I would go in for the next ultrasound on Monday the 9th and they would find a heartbeat.

5 Days to Hope's 5th Angel Birthday

This is the day 5 years ago that I woke up and discovered I was spotting.  I was concerned, but, not overly worried because I believed that "I had done my time" in the grieving box when I loss Janessa.  That afternoon after my doctors appointment and ultrasound I was discouraged, but, I still clung to a sliver of Hope.

(Notice the beautiful little lady bug that decided to photo bomb my pictures :)

5 Little Ladybugs

I bought this little book after Hope died, because the ladybugs represented her.  As I came upon this book again in my closet, I realized that this year this book represents Hope's age so it means even more.

Today, 5 years ago, my little Hope Abigail this was the last day of happiness we had together.  Everything was peaceful and right and I had joy.  I was looking forward to announcing that we were pregnant with you and to going to our first doctors appt. so I could see you on an ultrasound and hear your little heart beating, I was looking forward to all the memories we would have together leading up to your due date on Dec. 3rd--all of that was ripped away from me tomorrow May 2nd.

May Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

To All Angel Children

celebrating birthdays in the month of May!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

(For the Friends we haven't met yet <3)