June Angel Baby Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday!

Josiah Angel 6/24

Carter 6/21

Maxxton 6/10

 

Caden 6/18

Gavin Lee 6/05

Mikayla Grace 6/13

Serenity Grace 6/10 



How to Help those Who are Grieving?

Let's  take a little quiz.  If you saw flowers that were wilted and almost beyond hope would you :

A:  Avoid them and hope someone else does something to help,

B:  Figure they were a lost cause and step on them or

C:  Grab a watering can and start watering!

Obviously the answer should be C so why do so many people when it comes to others who are grieving choose A or B?  I think until you have experienced deep grief yourself you really don't know how to deal with others grief. 

Sometimes you take route A of avoiding people who are grieving because you don't know what to say or do or their grief makes you feel uncomfortable so you hope someone else will do something.  Unfortunately this route makes the grieving person feel like something is wrong with them and it adds to their sense of hopelessness because they feel like no one cares. 

Others think they know best for the grieving person and critically attack them with things they should or should not be doing.  This does not help it makes the person die even more inside.  Until you have walked in that persons shoes you have no right to judge them.  They are doing the best they can and they just need a little encouragement  not  discouragement!

Mostly what people who are grieving need is a little bit of kindness shown to them so they know people care.  This can be as simple as a smile or a card or an email to just  say I'm thinking of you.  For more ideas on acts of kindness or things to do to help people who are grieving visit:

http://kindnessitmatters.blogspot.com/

http://www.joyfilledlearning.com/

Lets stop killing the flowers, but water them instead!

Gavin Lee's PinWheel

I Feel a lot of "L" Words Today

I feel Lousy--I try to smile and be happy but deep down inside I have a 2 holes where part of my heart has been ripped out and I just feel sad.

I feel Lost--just getting out of bed and trying to make it through each hour is a big chore anymore.

I feel Lazy--I have a real "I don't care" attitude about a lot of things right now, all I really want to do is pull the covers over my head and just sleep the day away.

I feel Like Life is passing me by as I Lag behind as a Loser drowning in my grief.

I felt Like Loudly screaming Language meant only for a Landfill as I went pass the baby aisle with all it's toys and diapers and cute Little baby clothes--inside I really want to Linger there and just dream, but, I know I don't belong there anymore.

I Lamented as I Looked at all the Ladies at the store with their babies in their carts and I Looked where my baby should be sitting and it is empty.

Can you tell it has been a really hard, Long, day today?  But, fortunately for me in the mail today I received 2 Little packages from Mommy of Angels who had written Hope's name so now I feel

LOVED

and that has made all the difference in the world.  These small bits of kindness have turned my Long, Lousy, day into a Lovely memory!

Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

I'm Growing PinWheels!

I'm sure my neighbors are wondering if I'm addicted to pinwheels?!!!  As of today May 24, 2011, there are 46 pinwheels in Janessa & Hopes PinWheel Garden representing 47 Angel Baby friends.  So with Janessa and Hope that makes 48 pinwheels total--it looks so amazing!

I've had a rough couple of days dealing with my grief, but, when I've snuck outside between rain storms it always gives me a sense of calm and peace to see all those pinwheels twirling in the wind.  I'm so glad I decided to just keep them all surrounding Janessa & Hopes PinWheel.  I was looking at pictures of my flower garden around Janessa's 1st Angel Birthday when I had 12 pinwheels out representing she had been in heaven for 12 months.  What a difference--it looks really bare and empty even with all 12 pinwheels.

So to all my neighbors who are wondering about the crazy lady with all the pinwheels--YES, I am addicted to pinwheels--I'm growing them in my flower garden!!! :)

Hugs,

:`)  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Emily Faith's PinWheel

Mikayla & Chase's PinWheels

Mikayla's PinWheel

Chase's PinWheel

Angel Sister and Brother in Heaven Together

Do a Random Act of Kindness in honor of Mikayla's 1st Angel Birthday on June 13th.  Visit her Mommy's blog http://mikaylasgraceblog.blogspot.com/p/mikaylas-birthday-raok-day.html to find out more.

Returning To Church

Today I went back to church after taking a few weeks off to recover from my miscarriage.  It was an instant flashback to April 2010 when I returned to church after losing Janessa.  I remember that day like it was yesterday--full of shock and sorrow and wanting so much to be comforted by my familiar friends.  Thankfully, my BFF was at the door waiting for me--she is on her own grief journey and understands.  Most everyone knew what had happened, but, instead of hugs and words of comfort like I was expecting, it was like Moses and the parting of the Red Sea.  People avoided me, wouldn't talk to me, some wouldn't even make eye contact with me.  It made me feel like I had a horrible disease that no one wanted to catch.  I wanted to scream and yell I didn't ask to have my baby die why are you treating me like I chose this path?!  It has made my grief journey so much harder to bear to have people treat me like that.  I am extremely grateful for the few brave souls who overcame their fear and did offer sympathy. 

So, today  I approached the church doors with those memories in my head.  I felt like running the other direction instead of going in, but, I took a deep breath and went in.  It was a big difference this time because hardly anyone knew I was pregnant and had miscarried.  People talk to me now because its been a year and I guess I'm not as scary because they think I am all better and cured and "over it".  So people at least spoke to me this time and commented on my new hair cut.  Little do they know inside I am falling apart and silently grieving again.  Little do they know I didn't get my hair cut and new look just because I felt it would be "fun", but because I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror at the Shauna I use to be anymore.  I have changed again just like I did when I loss Janessa and I needed a new look to reflect that I am a new Shauna.  People who know me well, know that I DETEST change of any kind and I have not radically changed the way I fix my hair for the past 30 years so this is a major thing for me.

I really hate how I'm expected to not talk at all about Hope or grieve at all for her except silently and alone.  I feel like this is WRONG!  So, silently, I rebel by "TALKING", through this blog, through wearing my bright neon pink and yellow shirts and shoelaces, through my new hair cut, through my black sparkly fingernails, and through my new jewelry that represents both of my Angels, Janessa & Hope.


Yes, I returned back to church today and I was treated differently than last time, but, it was still the same--me alone with my "Silent Grief".

Hugs,

:`{  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Devon, Sterling, Feodora, & Serenity's PinWheels

Devon James PinWheel

Sterling Snow PinWheel

Feodora Laurent PinWheel

Serenity Grace PinWheel

Angel Siblings PinWheels Together

Most People. . . . . . . .

Most People Won't Understand . . . . . . . . .

*Why I need a small memory box for Hope even though the only items in it will probably be just the pregnancy test and a ribbon that was lovingly wrapped around the collection jar.

*Why I need a new necklace that represents both my Angel Babies.

*Why I get joy from seeing that the butterfly shirts I ordered months ago for myself to represent Janessa have hearts (my symbol for Hope) on them.

*Why I need more angel statues.



 *Why I need things that say Hope's name.

Do I believe all these things will bring me true hope and peace?--NO, but they help remind me of where that true peace comes from--Trust and Faith in Heavenly Father. 

Most People won't understand why I consider my 10 week miscarried pregnancy a baby, but that's okay because I'm not like most people anymore and I know my True Friends and Heavenly Father will understand.



Hugs,

:`{  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Baby J & Raelynn's PinWheels

I Miss :`{

I miss being pregnant today.  I keep forgetting that I'm not pregnant anymore.  I woke up with my hand on my belly ready to do my little "Hello Baby Hope" talk then realized there's nothing there anymore.

I miss my morning talks with my baby.

I miss being happy and not having to pretend everything is okay most of  the time.

I miss the excitement of making it through each week and happily watching my pregnancy ticker change from week to week.

I miss the thrill of my "secret" I was keeping from most everyone.  Except, now I still have a secret, but, no one wants to hear about my sad miscarriage news.

I miss that eating chocolate made me sick while I was pregnant.

I miss eating crackers and chewing gum to keep my morning sickness calmed down.

I miss dry heaving after opening a can of soup.

I even miss bleeding because that was my last connection to my pregnancy.

I miss that my large shirts were too tight a couple of weeks ago and I had packed them away for what I had hoped would be 6 months.  Now it is bitter/sweet that I can fit into them again.  I even miss wearing maternity clothes even though I only got to wear them for a couple of days.

I miss feeling tired in the afternoon and having to take a nap.

I miss that there were some exercises I couldn't do anymore because I was pregnant.  Now I cry as I do all those exercises.

I miss planning future vacations and plans around my pregnancy and having a newborn baby.

I miss the confidence I felt, the ability to breathe again and the ability to move forward a little that I had at Janessa's 1 year angel b-day. 

I miss how far I had come on the grief journey, only to be sent back to "Start".

I miss excitedly dreaming about December and how wonderful it would be to have a newborn baby in my arms at Christmas.

I miss my little baby Hope and my what should be 1 year old Janessa. 

I miss my baby girls so much--I will miss you forever--I hope you are taking care of each other in Heaven.

I miss you and I can't wait to see you again!

I am so amazed at how Heavenly Father is guiding my scripture reading again this year.  Today I read in the Book of Mormon in Alma 28 where they have just had a big war and everyone is mourning and grieving their loved ones.  The verse that stuck out to me was verse 12, "While many thousands of others truly mourn for the loss of their kindered, yet they rejoice and exult in the hope, and even know, according to the promises of the Lord, that they are raised to dwell at the right hand of God, in a state of neverending happiness."  It was a good reminder that it is okay to be sad and happy at the same time.  I look forward to the time when I get to experience that promised "NEVERENDING HAPPINESS".

Hugs,

:`{  Shauna  :`{

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

A Smile for Today!

My daughter showed me her picture she drew yesterday of all our angel babies in Heaven getting their balloons--it was so cute and made me smile.



My Birthday

This wasn't what I planned for my birthday this year.  I turned 40 and I have been planning my birthday for the last 6 months because I didn't want to spend it depressed.   I wanted to spend it celebrating the last 40 years of my youth and celebrating and welcoming my middle "Wisdom" age years which marks new stages in my life.  I was looking forward to announcing my pregnancy as a way to keep hold of both 39 (Youth) and 40 (Middle "Wisdom" Age).  I just wish Heavenly Father had granted me 1 more week with my baby because it makes this birthday even harder to bear. 

Gone and cancelled are all my fun, exciting plans as I have spent the week physically still trying to recover from my miscarriage and emotionally starting over on the grief journey. As I have thought and thought about a way to celebrate my birthday in a way that respects the fact that I am grieving again, I decided since it was so healing for me when we released balloons on Janessa’s 1st Angel b-day, that I wanted to do a balloon release in honor of all the angel babies I have done pinwheels for and others.  So I released 40 balloons, 1 for each year of my life.  It was so amazing and healing again to see all those balloons rise up in the sky towards heaven. 

It has been a good day amidst all the sorrow and disappointment.  I got a different haircut and a new look, my husband and kids spent the day giving me 40 little gifts every 40 minutes, my bff gave me a cake--which is good because I wasn't going to have one, my daughter sent me 40 Happy Birthday emails, and I sent balloons to Heaven to all our Angels and of course I had to release a black balloon in honor of the passing of my youth and to represent the grief I have been through and am still going through this past year.

Yes, this isn't what I had planned for my birthday, but that's okay, sometimes different is good too.

Hugs,

:)  Shauna  :`\

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)

Hope's PinWheel

This was a pinwheel I had hoped I would never have to do.  It was very hard but also comforting and peaceful to place Hope's pinwheel next to Janessa's and watch them twirl, side by side.

This was the week I was suppose to be announcing that I was pregnant and expecting a Christmas miracle.  Hope's little bear, seen in these pictures, was suppose to have a fun sign attached to it saying Baby Hope joining our family 12/3/2011.  Instead it sits next to her pinwheel announcing that she has joined her big sister, Janessa, as an Angel in Heaven. 

Sometimes God's  plan for our lives and our plan for our lives are different and it takes courage and trust to keep moving forward one step at a time even when we don't understand.

                        

I feel as if Heavenly Father has given me the same test all over again in a different way to see if I have learned anything.  I am getting an A this time (or at least a high B+)!   I will never walk away from you again, Heavenly Father, because I know you never walked away from me.  I know I will survive this because I am your daughter.  I know you live and love me and that my baby girls are with you and I will see them again someday because your son, Jesus Christ, made that possible through his atonement, death, and resurrection.

I Know I can Trust you even though I don't understand,

and it WILL be okay!

Hugs,

:)  Shauna  :`\

:)  Janessa & Hope's Mommy  :)