My New Years Goals

Every year for the past 18 years it has been a tradition for me to take out my "Bear" goal journal and set new goals for myself on New Years Eve. In some ways it has been a pretty pointless tradition because I review all the goals I set the previous year and then feel like a big failure because I only managed to accomplish a couple of those goals. Then I reset all the same goals adding a couple of more I thought up in hopes that this will be the year I accomplish them all. 

So I'm sitting here feeling like a failure again because I didn't keep my goals again--my weight is still not where I want it, I didn't do better with money management, I didn't maintain the bedtime routine for my kids, etc., etc.  The one goal that I did manage to keep that has NEVER been on my goal list before last year--Visit Janessa's Grave once a month.  These past 2 years it has always amazed me, where is the goal ''endure the death of my baby and not let it make me bitter and angry"?  That's because no one wants to set a goal like that--it isn't what you want in your life plan, but yet the last 2 years it is what Heavenly Father has included in my plan and I hate it!  In some ways I'm afraid to start another year now.

I think for this year I will forgo all the traditional goals I set year after year and this year only set a couple of goals for myself.  The big goal for myself:

Learn to accept Janessa and Hope's deaths and move foward on my grief journey.  I want their deaths to be a spring of gratitude and joy for the short time they were part of my life not a fountain of bitterness and pain like it has been.  I want to be able to reach out to as many BLM's as I can this next year in doing pinwheel pictures for their angel babys and help and encourage others who are on this very hard grief journey with me.

Yes, my goals for next year are very different than they have ever been in the past 18 years--but, it is because I am a different person since I loss my angel babies.  In some ways that different is not so good as I deal with all the pain and sorrow and anger, but, in other ways it is very good and that is the change I want to focus on this year.

Happy New Year's Janessa & Hope!<3 <3

Goodbye 2011 and all the Happiness and Sorrow you brought me

Hello 2012--May you be full of happy new beginnings for everyone!

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

A New Year--2012

I have been ready to get rid of 2011 since Dec. began--it has been full of death and sadness and anger for me.  But, as 2011 comes to a close, I also realized that there have been some very good things that happened in 2011 that I am very grateful for.

The first is that after 8 months of trying to get pregnant, I got a positive pregnancy test 1 month after Janessa's 1st angel birthday.  I am so very grateful for the joy and happiness I felt as I carried Hope Abigail for 10 precious weeks.  I wish it could have been longer.

The second thing I'm grateful for is that I was still able to enjoy and find peace on my 40th birthday by releasing 40 balloons written with angel baby names even though I had just miscarried 1 week before.

The third thing I'm grateful for is that my family was able to take our family vacation to Mount Rushmore over the summer.

The fourth thing I am grateful for is true and understanding friends who are not BLM's who have continued to stick by me and help me--even though they are very few in number.

The fifth and final thing I am most grateful for this year is that I was able to find other BLM's and their blogs and that through all of your examples, I felt inspired to create my own blog, PinWheels from Heaven.  I never expected to have done 78 pinwheel pictures through this year!  I have found such peace and joy creating each pinwheel picture.  Having all the pinwheels surrounding my Christmas Tree has helped take some of the sting and hurt from Christmas this year.  I am so very grateful for all of the BLM friends I have made through this blog and to know that I am not alone on this grief journey.

Dec. 28th, 2011

78 PinWheels in

Janessa & Hope's PinWheel Garden

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Sunshine & Rain = a different kind of Rainbow

I have felt like I will never heal from my broken heart, and that I will never be able to put together the pieces of my broken life.  I have felt like without a rainbow baby I will never have sunshine in my life again. 

As I have sat reflecting this past month on how to find healing and peace and to be able to move forward some tiny steps again without a rainbow baby I have been directed to look backward.  I have been so focused on there is no rainbow baby in my future that I haven't looked backward to my past.  I have 6 living children who are my rays of sunshine.  I have been given a gift that most women don't receive--6 problem free pregnancies.  6 Pregnancies that I was "stupid, naive and innocent" and  I never worried about miscarriage and stillbirth.  I cry when I read other's blog posts when I see that your miscarried or stillborn baby was your first baby or your 2nd or 3rd baby.  Your pregnancy "innocence" was ripped away from you in the beginning and for that I weep.  You are all an inspiration to me! 

Although my 6 living children bring me joy (and sometimes misery) there will always be 2 who are missing.  But as I think about all 8 of my children I'm beginning to see a masterpiece painting of my life.  The Sun sending me 6 rays of sunlight and my 2 little angels who are my raindrops when they are mixed together I get my rainbow.  I guess that is how I find my healing and peace from all 8 of my children who together form my beautiful rainbow.

For My Precious A.R.C.

For My Precious K.B.C.

For My Awesome H.R.C.

 For My Precious A.E.C.

 For My Precious A.J.C.

For My Precious K.C.C.

For My Precious Angel Janessa

For My Precious Angel Hope Abigail

For My Husband who helps me see

the Beautiful Rainbows through the Sunshine & Rain!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

to my PRECIOUS ANGELS

Janessa & Hope Abigail

We Miss you so very much and wish you were here with us!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

 to all your Angel Friends

and their Mommy's and Daddys

May you all find a small moment of PEACE on this very hard day.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Take a Moment to Remember

Wow, I just read this post written by Ter, Mommy of Angel, Tyla, and it describes perfectly how I feel.  And like she says, "Remembering is the best gift of all."  Thank you Ter for letting me share your post and for all the help and care you share with BLM community! <3

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Take A Moment To Remember

When someone you care about is missing their loved ones during this holiday season, please take a moment to remember.

Write a little note in the card you send that says " I remember them "...
Call them to see how they are doing....
Bring them a home cooked meal so they can take a break...
Give them a little gift in honor of their loved ones...
Make a donation in their loved ones name (and let them know!)
Light a candle in the loved one's memory. Take a photo and send it to your bereaved friend.
Take some time out of your own busy schedule to spend time with them. Even an hour is better than nothing.

There is so many things you can do.... and none of it will take much time or effort on your part.

Remembering is the best gift of all.

And not just the first year.... but every year. It's always appreciated.

How do I know? Because I am one of the bereaved.

Ter is a blogger at With An Angel on my Shoulder : A Blog About What Came Next. Ter writes about her journey after the deaths of her daughter and husband, and seeks the good parts of life while always remembering her family. She is also the creator of the Patches the Bear blog.

Hannah Elizabeth's PinWheel

Ezekiel Alexander's PinWheel

Angel Candy House

Okay, so Better Homes and Gardens won't be knocking on my door anytime soon to have me design any of their houses, and so my kids got a great laugh over my flat, 2-D candy house while they created these 3-D masterpieces--hey, I like it and it gave me another chance to honor my Angel Babies!!!!! :)

We got a very small skiff of snow yesterday, so I ran outside and made a quick snowheart for Janessa & Hope before the snow melted.  I guess this is better than nothing and I am grateful for a little snow so I could make them a Christmas snowheart.

This past week I have gotten 3 pinwheel requests and I am so very grateful for them.  Heavenly Father seems to know when I am at my lowest and can't move beyond my depressed feelings, because that is when He gives me an opportunity to help someone else.  I have felt true peace and joy these past couple of days as I have been creating these pinwheels for Angels Roosevelt, Ezekiel, and Hannah.  I am so very grateful to have this chance to help others, for it has brought me back some happiness that I didn't think I would be able to feel this week.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Roosevelt Washington IV's PinWheel

Angel Bags

I didn't realize that I was remembering my angel girls with these bags until I was putting my Christmas gifts for my neighbors together and looked at the bags I had bought.  They each have angels on them and they say snowflakes are angel kisses.

That brought a smile to my face knowing that each gift I hand out this year I am remembering and honoring my 2 little angels, Janessa & Hope.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Angel Snow Hearts

One of the things that brought me joy and peace last year was making snowhearts with the letter J for Janessa in them.  Everytime it snowed I was out there before my kids making my snowhearts!  At Christmas last year I was able to make a snowheart on Janessa's grave and that made me happy.

This year we haven't had a whole lot of snow, so I've only been able to make a snowheart a couple of times for Janessa and Hope.  I'm hoping before Christmas that it will snow again so I can give both of my angel babies a snowheart for Christmas.  If it doesn't snow I might get desperate and go outside with a can of whipping cream and make my own "snow" heart!!

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

A Really Hard Weekend

This has not been a good weekend for me.  Last week on one of the "25 days of giveaways" one of  the BLM's had us list on a scale of 1-10 how we thought we were doing this month--1 being doing good and 10 being doing rotten.  At the time I think I listed myself as a 7 or 8.  Today I find myself at a whopping 11 way off the chart!  Last week I actually felt some peace regarding Christmas coming up.  I felt like a scab had formed over the grief holes in my heart so that they weren't so fresh and raw like it was last year at Christmas.  But now, I feel like that scab has been torn away and Janessa could have just passed away yesterday instead of 21 months ago and I feel like I just miscarried Hope Abigail instead of it happening 7 months ago.  All of my grief feelings feel raw and new just like in the beginning and I don't know how to deal with all of this.  I don't know how to get through Christmas now--I really just want it to go away and leave me alone to nurse my wounds.  I feel awful feeling like this 4 days before Christmas--I don't want to ruin it for my family like I did last year.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Angel Trees

I bought a little Christmas Tree for Janessa that we took up to the cemetery to put on her grave.  I find it kind of interesting that the pictures of her tree I took last year have the word "hope" in front of it.

This year I bought another little tree for Hope to put in her remembrance spot in my flower garden.  I also bought some more little Christmas Decorations to decorate Hopes remembrance spot and Janessa's grave. 

It is really hard to go out to the cemetery at Christmas Time.  It is a very lonely, empty place to be when you know others are happily wrapping toys to give their children and you are out in the cold placing the only gifts your baby will ever get around a headstone.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Angel Ornaments

I have made a special ornament for all of my kids that has a picture of them as a newborn baby that we put on the tree along with their babies first Christmas ornament.  I made one for Janessa last year along with her memorial ornament and this year I took one of my favorite angel pictures and made one for Hope along with her --sigh-- memorial ornament.  That was one of the hardest things to buy this year--another memorial ornament--oh how I wish it was a baby's first christmas ornament instead.

Last year my family and I decorated these paper butterflys that we put all over our tree.  This year I bought glitter butterflys and angels and I put them with the paper butterflys all over a 2nd tree we have in our basement that is my Angel Tree.  I also bought any little ornament that said Hope and ones that said Joy for Janessa.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Angel Christmas Lights

Last year when I put up my Christmas Lights on my picket fence I wanted Janessa to know that I was thinking of her and that I loved and missed her and I wanted her to see that every night from Heaven, so I shaped some of my lights into the form of a J with a heart around it.  The S in the picture is for my friends husband, Steven, who was killed in a car accident 10 months before Janessa died.

This year I faced the task of doing the J again and adding an H for my little angel baby, Hope,  that was suppose to be here to see the lights from my arms not from Heaven.  It was a hard thing to do, but, I want both of my angel girls to see my love for them every night from Heaven.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Angel Journals

We actually use our angel journals all year not just at Christmas.  It is two little journals that whenever my husband and I feel sad or just feel like "talking"/writing a letter to our angel babies we just open to an empty page and start writing the feelings in our hearts.  We both know that either one of us can read whatever is written in the journals.  Sometimes it has been an eyeopener as to what the other person is feeling when they can't express it verbally.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

A Snowheart for my Grandpa

I am taking a break from my Christmas remembrance posts for today.  I got a phone call earlier this morning that my 95 year old Grandpa had passed away.  I have mixed emotions.  I am so very happy for him because this is a wonderful Christmas gift for him to finally be able to go back to Heaven and see his loved ones that have gone before him.  I'm a little jealous and happy that he will get to spend Christmas with my 2 angel girls.  But, I'm also really sad because he is my Grandpa and for now I have to say goodbye to another person I love.  I really haven't liked 2011 at all.  It has begun with the death of my little Hope Abigail and it is ending with death of my sweet Grandpa. 

Tomorrow would have been the 6th anniversary since my Grandma passed away--I think my Grandpa couldn't bear to have to face another hard anniversary date without her so he quietly passed away in his sleep last night.  I understand now about those hard anniversary dates after having endured the 1st one with Janessa  this year.  I'm sorry Grandpa that I didn't understand 6 years ago how hard each Dec. 14th was for you--I would have tried a lot harder on that date to remember you--I had planned to this year--but now it is too late.  I hope Christmas in Heaven is a beautiful experience for you.  Will you give my angel girls an extra hug and kiss from me. 

I Love You Grandpa--I will Miss You--So long for now. <3

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Granddaughter of an AWESOME Grandpa :)

 

Christmas Butterflys

Last year I had to decorate differently for Christmas because my grief for Janessa was still very raw.  My family made about 20 scratch art angels that we hung on my front room wall with blue Christmas Lights hanging down over them--it was really pretty.  I've thought and thought about what we could put on that wall this year.  I discovered these scratch art butterflys so my family this year decorated them (75 in all!) and I wrote all the angel baby's names that I have done pinwheels for on them.  It is AMAZING!!!

I want you to know that this wall faces my front door so your babies are being recognized everytime someone comes to my door and I delight in that.  Last year I was afraid to put any of the pictures I had of Janessa on my piano because I was afraid I would offend someone who might not like seeing a picture of my dead baby.  That was wrong of me and I am ashamed that I gave into what "society" thinks is best for us BLM's.  What is best is what we feel comfortable with and I love having my picture of Janessa on my piano along with all my other children.  Since I don't have a picture of Hope, I found a little figurine that says HOPE and I stuck a little picture of an angel in the O and placed that in front of Janessa's picture frame.  I am tired of people pretending that Janessa didn't exist and that Hope never existed because they are both very real to me as are all of your angel babies.  So this Christmas people will be faced with seeing all of our angel babies names written on these butterflys on my wall and on the pinwheels surrounding my Christmas Tree.  They can choose to look away, ignore, or accept, but they will at least have to see or acknowlege our Angels.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`(

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)