It is finally over and I am glad. Another Christmas endured in grief--this was the worst one yet. So many hopes and dreams built around this Christmas that were crushed on 10/10/2013. I have spent the last 3 days crying tears of heartbreak, enduring, and waiting for today to finally arrive--today the day after Christmas--the day when I can start to slowly emerge from my grief cave.
I was here physically for Christmas, I pasted a smile on my face for my living children, but emotionally and mentally I was not here at all. I missed Christmas again. I missed all my living children's excitement over opening their gifts, I missed all their thrills of playing and singing Christmas songs and all of their joy for the holidays. Even though I was physically in their presence I was M.I.A. at Christmas and I am so tired of being M.I.A. at Christmas. I felt so much stress Christmas morning it made me physically ill. It wasn't until the kids were done opening presents and off doing their own things that I finally felt like I could breath again, like I've been holding my breathe for the last month, and finally I am able to enjoy breathing and feeling life slowly seep back into me. I feel horrible because I felt so awful on Christmas.
So, today the day after Christmas I FEEL:
Grateful that I was able to endure through it,
Relieved that it is finally over and it won't come again for another 365 days,
Extremely disappointed that yet again a lot of people forgot me and my angels and ignored my pain because it is too hard for them to think about so they avoided my grief hole I am trapped in and walked far away from it or looked down at me and were grateful it was not them and walked away instead of extending a hand of help. I am extremely grateful for the true friends and family who trudged through the muck of my pain and were willing to remember and did extend a hand of help to me. I am done looking and hoping for people to extend a hand to help me out of this hole of pain. I will rely on God's strength and the few close friends and family's strength to combine with my strength and I will climb out on my own again like I have for the past 3 1/2 years!
Mainly I feel sad that I missed Christmas again. I'm tired of being M.I.A. for Christmas!
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Janessa, Hope, Jason
& all their Angel Friends
<3 <3 <3
Janessa
4th Christmas in Heaven
Hope Abigail
3rd Christmas in Heaven
Jason Nephi
1st Christmas in Heaven
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Christmas Candles around the Angel Tree
Angel Christmas lights surrounding the Angel Tree in memory of all of our Angel Children. It looks so incredibly beautiful and peaceful out there
It actually got warm enough yesterday and today that it melted all the snow around their remembrance stones which was nice so I didn't have to dig them out to put out their little Christmas Trees and Christmas Hats I made for them.
It actually got warm enough yesterday and today that it melted all the snow around their remembrance stones which was nice so I didn't have to dig them out to put out their little Christmas Trees and Christmas Hats I made for them.
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