Janessa's Name

 In the past 10 years I have rarely run into anyone whose baby is named Janessa.  That has actually been a good thing, because I couldn't bear up until this point to have heard her name being used everywhere.  It has also made me sad to rarely see her name anywhere.  It is just not a popular name, never has been.  The closest it has come on the popular baby names list was #524 about 20 years ago.  I had come up with her name from a couple of Barbie movies that I had watched with my other daughters, Barbie Thumbelina--Janessa is a friend of Thumbelina and in Barbie and the 12 dancing princesses Janessa is one of youngest triplets--just a side character in each show.  

A couple of years ago I found a book at a library sale that I instantly grabbed up after reading the back of the book--WHY???  Because the main character's name was Janessa!  Unfortunately, at the time it really bothered me to see her name all over the book so I shoved it into a shelf and forgot about it until this year when I was cleaning the shelf and found the book.  I was still a little hesitant about seeing her name throughout the book, but, after reading through the first chapter I was hooked.  This Janessa character had red hair just like my little Janessa.  She was an action adventure CIA agent.  I absolutely LOVED seeing her name on almost every page of this book.  It was like a beautiful reminder of my own Janessa and it gave me a little chance to peek at a life for her, even if it was purely fiction.  I cherish this book now and I was thrilled to see that the author had written 3 more books in the same series all with the Janessa character in them.

August Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of August!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Crushed Hopes and Dreams

For a small moment I thought I had found that lost and elusive rainbow cruise ticket and I got wrapped up in hoping and dreaming for the first time in a long while.  I should have known better, it was a fake ticket, ripped to pieces by the cruelty of reality.  Gone--all hope and dreams and little bit of joy replaced by the very alone I'm okay mask everything is great.  Reality SUCKS!

I've seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over, the lights are out
Hello, darkness, I'm ready to succumb
I follow you around, I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing
Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor?
But it's not you I'm rising for
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing
I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath
This next step
This next choice is one that I can make
So I'll walk through this night
stumbling blindly toward the light 
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn, what comes then
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again?
Then I'll make the choice
To hear that voice
And do the next right thing

But what is the next right thing?  I've been doing that for the last 10 years and still there is no real peace, no real hope, no real healing.  All you find is that you really have been jipped and you have nothing when you are not allowed on the rainbow cruise.

Wishing For Normal Life to Return

The other day I was waiting in the grocery order online parking spot for them to bring out my groceries and just started glancing around me.  For the most part everyone was entering and exiting the grocery store with masks on.  I've been doing grocery pickup for the past 4 months only going into the actual store just a couple of times.  I order online every week so I make this same trip weekly.  When did this become my normal life???  I long to walk into the store and do my own grocery shopping again.  I long to see people's faces, their smiles and their hellos not muffled hi's and people avoiding eye contact along with social distancing.  It's like we are alone, even when we are surrounded by people.  I still try to be friendly when I am at a store which is rarely, but, people act like I've committed a sin when I just say Hi through my mask because maybe I've spilled the virus all over them with that simple word even though I did have my mask on.

I look across the street to the Wendy's restaurant which is still just doing drive thru and no inside seating.  When did that become the normal??????

I pick up and drop off books to the library outside in the pick up spots and the return boxes.  I long to go inside and look for my own books and just escape for a while.

I thought for sure by July everything would be back to normal and the pandemic would be long gone.  Instead it is worse and the number of cases raises higher and higher every day.  We have not returned to church yet, because it is not safe.  Will it ever be safe again????  I want this stupid pandemic to be over!!  I want the world to go back to normal and life to feel safe again.  I don't want this new normal to be the forever normal.

I'm afraid though because in 2010 my new normal became my forever normal because there was no going back to normal after Janessa died.  If given a choice as to which year sucks more 2010 or 2020 I would hands down pick 2020.  If my choice was to relive one of those years knowing what I know now, I would pick 2010 even though it would suck to relive Janessa's death all over again, but, I would definitely do things differently and enjoy holding her longer and make different choices in my grieving process.  2010 would be much easier to relive than 2020 which has sucked almost every day and month.  You couldn't pay me enough money to relive this year!  If I could I would zip through the rest of this year and just get rid of it and the virus all together!

July Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of July!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Welcome to the Dreary Cruise

I am almost 50.  I gave up hoping for a rainbow baby about 6 years ago after I had my 3rd miscarriage.  I thought I had made peace with that and I was okay knowing that I would never be able to have a rainbow baby.   But, for some reason all those old feelings of regret, anger, and sadness have resurfaced to pay me another visit.  It could be just that 2020 is such a miserable year that I am reliving everything, or maybe it is seeing some good friends who loss babies the same time as me miraculously become pregnant and finally get their wanted and hoped for rainbow babies.  I am thrilled for them, but, so sad for me.  They are younger than me, they have no children and I already have living children, why is this so hard for me to accept???  

I think because I feel like after you loose your baby, you are given a random envelope.  In that envelope is either a ticket to the Rainbow Cruise where you are given a chance to have a beloved rainbow baby and find healing and peace and happiness and joy and are able to progress forward on your journey.  It is the ticket that everyone wants.  In the other envelope is a ticket to the Dreary Cruise full of heartache, discouragement, doubt, and depression.  You never get rainbow healing, you never find true peace, you find bleakness and more heartache.  You feel like you never truly heal and you never truly progress forward you just go around and around in circles on a ship that is slowly sinking that you can never get off of.   That is the Cruise I am on and it feels extremely lonely.  I look at my life and all that my family and I  have endured and what little progress we have made and it is extremely discouraging.  I wonder all the time if one of my miscarried babies had been born alive as that precious rainbow baby would my life and my children's lives be different?  Would there be less stress, anxiety, and fear?  Would there be less depression?  Would we have had to endure so much counseling that at times feel like has been just a total waste of money and never seems to help?   Would we be able to find more joy and healing in our lives and feel like we were able to progress forward?  I think our lives would be so different.

I would love to feel like I can LIVE and ENJOY life instead of just enduring each day on the Dreary Cruise to nowhere.

2010 on Repeat

I hate feeling like I'm stuck in a version 10 of 2010 that is so much worse than it ever was.  Everything feels so out of control and crazy.  I hate how it sends me back to all the hard moments of 2010 and relive it all over again.  One time was enough!!! 

I have to admit though, that it would have been a dream come true in 2010 to not have any church and to be doing home church instead.  That would have saved me so much heartache having to see those living babies every single week.  Of course I sluffed church and left church so much because of my PTSD that I was practically doing home church then too.

This is a living nightmare for me to reach her 10th angel year and have to be living through a nightmare world pandemic with all the other added crazy things.  It makes me long for Janessa even more.  I pass her pictures in my room and hanging on the wall and my heart aches to see her and my arms feel so very empty.

Somebody please get 2010 off Repeat!!  I can't stand it anymore.

Goodbye 2020 we've had enough of you already!

Saying Goodbye

When the Pandemic started up in March our libraries were all closed and they moved all of our due dates for our books to the first of May, then to the first of June and then to June 11th.  I had no idea then that I would be quarantined with these same 11 books for the past 12 weeks.  This past week the Library outside book drops were finally opened up again and I said goodbye to most of those old familiar Pandemic friends.  It felt weird and sad to put them in the book drop, like I was saying goodbye to some of my history or at least something that was a normal sight in my room.  It was also a big reminder that things are still NOT normal and that this is our new normal for the next little while as the library remains closed.  We can put books on hold, but, we can't go into the library to look for books, we have to reserve a time to pick up the books then drive into a certain spot where they will bring the books out to a table and then you can get out of your car and get them after the library worker has left.  It is so anti social but so unfortunately still  necessary.  I have missed going into the library to just look for books.  I have not missed having to check library cards every weekend to see what was due and then do a library run to pick up holds and return books.  That has been a great 12 week break to not have library runs on our Saturday to do list.  The funny thing is, as I looked at some of the titles of the books I was quarantined with 3 on worry and stress, a few on travel, some on gardening, and then just a couple of fiction books, I wish I had actually read them!  I only managed to fully read 1 book and the others I just kind of skimmed through.  I guess I could never really calm down enough these past 12 weeks to just read so all those books just kind of sat there as a reminder of the way life use to be pre March 2020.  

June Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of June!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Hope's Quarantine Angel Birthday

If Hope were alive and it really were her birthday--being quarantined would have really stunk.  But, since this is an angel b-day and we normally don't do too many things away from the house it hasn't really affected it much.  Other than we normally go hike Ensign Peak and blow bubbles and we can't do that and I would have had petunias to plant which I don't.  So we made do with what we have.

First watched the beautiful yellow sunrise, which was nice because Janessa and Rae Anne's b-days were both cloudy and rainy.  This sunrise was perfect--color before and then the sun popping over the mountain all bright, shiny, and beautiful.  I love the position that the sun comes in my windows now because it causes rainbows through my crystals all over my walls--birthday rainbows!!

Then we planted part of our garden instead of petunias--there's just something healing and calming to me getting my hands in the dirt!

I did a giant sidewalk chalk b-day card which turned out really cute and I decorated the table since I can't decorate her remembrance stone yet.  

We ended the day with our traditional rainbow sherbet ice cream!

Happy 9th Angel Birthday Hope Abigail!

Happy 9th Angel Birthday

Hope Abigail!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

You are Missed!

You are Loved!

Your are Remembered!

Love, Mommy

A Letter to Myself in the Past

Dear Shauna of 2019,

I know one of your biggest fears right now as you look to 2020 is Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday.  You have tried to plan things to get away that week, or to go on a family vacation over spring break, or one last big family vacation in the summer to Disneyland or the Redwood forest, in fact you thought about Disneyland for Janessa's b-day and spring break but, always pulled back because it didn't feel right so you have felt like a failure because you were too afraid to plan a vacation and now you feel alone not knowing what to do for her birthday besides cower in depression and fear.  Let me reassure you that listening to your inner feelings was the right thing to do and that Janessa's birthday is going to be the least of your problems in 2020.  In fact, her birthday is one of the last normal days you will have in the world that you know.  You will feel sad, but, you will also feel at peace and it is going to be okay.  Enjoy that day and the world as it is.  Oh hey, one of the perks of what is going to happen, is that you are going to get your wish of being able to sluff church and not having to feel bad about it.  That day before Janessa's b-day, Sunday March 8th, is the last day you will go to actual church for a while.  It is May 5th in my world and for the last 8 weeks we have done home church with just our family.  It is weird and sometimes frustrating to plan church each week, but, it is also nice to have a break from all the drama of church especially Relief Society and Sunday School.  I do miss sacrament meeting though, but, I am grateful that we have permission to do the sacrament by ourselves.  One other thing, is this week is Mothers Day and I am overjoyed to NOT have to endure all the sappy Mother's Day talks that just make me feel guilty and all the reminders of miscarrying Hope Abigail on that day 9 years ago--it is a bitterness for mother's day that I will always carry--so honestly no big loss of no church this weekend especially not having to deal with their stupid little bath bombs and poems.

No church is just part of the many changes that happened the week of Janessa's b-day.  We were placed on a Stay Home order meaning only leave the house for essential things like grocery's.  What has happened???  A pandemic virus called Covid-19 has spread throughout the world, causing havoc and death on every continent.  I have never seen the world like this.  It is like we are at war and the world is a war zone, but, not with each other, with this virus which to date has killed over 70,000 people in the United States alone and over 257,000 deaths world wide.  Hospitals are war zones in some areas filled to capacity with very sick people.  We have been lucky in Utah that we have been spared the most horribleness of this virus, but, still over 50 people have died and over 5,000 people have got the virus.  This virus is mainly killing those 60 and over, but, it is still attacking any age.  Disneyland, where you wanted to go, was closed that week and remains closed now.  School is cancelled everywhere and everyone is doing homeschool/online school, so kudos to you for already having experience with that because at least that part of this crazy mess has no affect on us because we were already doing online schooling.  Librarys and most stores are closed.  Temples and church history sites are closed.  Fast food restaurants switched to drive thru only.  Most everyone who can is working from home.  You have been doing grocery shopping online and pick up orders at Smiths for the past 7 weeks.  Honestly the only thing that is normal is the mail man still comes every day and the garbage man still comes every Friday.  You are ordering most everything online so packages come almost every day--believe it or not you are sick of getting boxes!  This week, week 9 of Quarantine has finally seen a little bit of normalcy as the Stay Home ban has been lifted, but, we can only meet in groups of 20 and you have to wear a mask everywhere you go.  You went to the store for the first time in 8 weeks to get strawberry and raspberry plants it was scary especially being in a mask--it felt weird and uncomfortable and you felt like a bank robber.  So still no church, no temples, no library, most stores are still closed, parks still closed, so even though we can go places, there really is no where to go.  My b-day, and Evies b-day, and Amber's b-day are still going to be in quarantine and that sucks because I was hoping normal life would be back by now.  You had to move the one family vacation that you did schedule over memorial day weekend to October--hopefully things will be okay by then.  Alysha's girls camp that she was going to be a counselor at all summer and the reason for the 2nd vacation in August got cancelled so I guess we will just be hanging out in the woods.  Unfortunately, it is like life after Janessa died, things will never be the same again and you will have to get use to a new normal, AGAIN!!  In addition, you will experience your first real earthquake and lots and lots of aftershocks that just add to the scariness of the whole situation.  It is hard and it is scary, but, you will survive.  Remember to turn to Heavenly Father every time you feel scared and stressed out, he will help you find ways to find peace.

By the way, you might want to run to the store and buy a years supply of toilet paper, paper towels, hand sanitizer, kleenexes, clorox wipes, and just plain food so you don't have to stress so much, because yes, people start to hoard food and supplies and they become very mean and selfish.  Not everyone, but, there is definitely a lot of people who use this situation to make the world a terrible place.  You might want to curb your addiction to social media now--like facebook stop following people and don't go on and read the news everyday.  It kind of feels like 2001 when 9-ll happened but, back then we all united as a people and were kind and helped each other--there was never this hoarding of things and viciousness.  Life was different, but, it didn't change dramatically like it has now.  Life really feels out of control right now.  I'm having to live one day at a time or it gets too overwhelming.  Take time each day to just find moments of joy.  Find ways to escape from all the craziness like going for drives in the car and watching tv and movies and don't feel guilty about it.  It is all going to be okay some day.  You are doing the best you can right now.

-Shauna of May 2020

Waiting for Lilacs for 10 years

Ten years ago I planted 2 lilac bushes and 2 blackberry bushes around the first of March.  A couple of days after I planted them Janessa was born stillborn and my life changed forever.  All of these new bushes just kind of got forgotten about.  They fortunately have survived.  The blackberry bushes took about 4 to 5 years and now produce yummy blackberries every summer.  The lilac bushes later became a guardian over my memorial garden until last year when this garden was destroyed in our construction.  My poor lilac bushes took a beating and I didn't think they would survive, but, they did.  The interesting thing is they have NEVER had any lilacs on them since we planted them back in 2010 until this year.  I was so excited to see that I had 3 stems of blossoms forming at the beginning of the spring.  Today May 1st they have fully bloomed.  They smell wonderful!  They look so beautiful!  They are definitely bringing me hope in a world that has gone crazy.  It is a tender mercy from God to have them bloom Janessa's 10th year and right before my birthday.