I have been given 2 precious gifts to help me through the remainder of this year and to help me through 2018.
The first gift is a picture that I had a progression artist create for me of what my Angel Baby Janessa would look like at the age of 8 which is how old she would be turning on her birthday next year. This is going to be a really hard b-day for me to get through because she would have been baptized. It is going to be torture to watch all the kids in her primary class be recognized all through the year in church after they are baptized.
In our family we have a tradition that the girls each wore the same white dress after their baptism, 4 of my living 5 girls have each worn this dress. The progression artist used pictures of all of us and Janessa's baby picture to create this picture and she drew Janessa in that baptism dress. It turned out so incredibly beautiful. It brought both my husband and I to tears when we received it because it has given us a way to have Janessa back through this picture.
The second gift is the announcement from my daughter and my son-in-law that they are expecting a baby in June of next year. I get to add the title of GRANDMA to my name and that is AWESOME!!!! I am so excited to meet you 
Baby Bartlome!!!
Baby Bartlome!!!
I am so grateful for these tender mercies for next year.
I'm also kind of scared to hold my grandbaby because of my PTSD. My grief counselor has warned me that I will probably be upset seeing my grandbaby--that is just a part of my life now--it will be healing, but, it will also hurt a lot. That makes me angry that that is part of my life too. With every joy, there will always be sorrow as the tag along. Learning to accept this and not fight it will be my goal. I hope that people will be understanding if I cry seeing and holding my grandchild and also if I have to leave the room to just take some deep breaths. My daughters pregnancy has already been a little hard as I have worried constantly for the first 12 weeks that she would miscarry. I've had to tape my mouth shut to not say things to scare her because I "know too much and what can happen" now and I don't want to take her naive feelings away from her. Now that she is in her 2nd trimester I don't worry quite as much, but, now I move into the worry about the fun ultrasound to reveal gender, but, which also reveals if there is problems with the baby. I worry about stillborn babies now because I know there is NO Safe zone in pregnancy.
It is really hard to balance being the excited Grandma with the know too much Grieving Mother of angel babies.
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