Instead, I went to decorate his grave alone. My Mom is staying with my sister for the holidays because she doesn't like the emptiness of the house on the holidays. I deal with my emotions alone because most people don't understand what it feels like to have your Dad and your Babies dead and you have to visit them at cemeteries. The people I thought I could count on to understand are all pretending that everything is great and that we should never grieve or be sad or cry because that is wrong so they pretend everything is happy even when I know they are being ripped apart inside too. I wanted so much to have people to share this grief with, but, I am alone as usual.
Instead of being so grateful that my Dad has fully recovered--I am trying to make sense out of his death and trying to find things to feel grateful for because of that--maybe that my Dad doesn't have to suffer anymore in his body that wasn't functioning and that my life is not controlled by a schedule and others lives anymore so I have been able to reduce that stress and take steps to getting my health back???? Instead of gathering around their Thanksgiving Table with my parents, I check on their empty house and make videos because we are going to be selling the house next year and I want videos of my past. I will endure another holiday with the inlaws at my house while everyone sits around all happy about everything eating all their carb filled foods and pie while I feel terrible and grief ridden and angry that I can't even eat normal tomorrow either. It is going to be a very hard day to endure.
Went to visit Janessa today. It always makes me teary eyed leaving her out there at the cemetery instead of back home with all of us on the holidays. :`(
Life is NOT the way I wanted it to be--God's plan always seems to be different than mine and I struggle to trust and believe that everything will be okay in the end. God help my unbelief this year.
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