This year 2021 was supposed to be better and fix everything that 2020 messed up. So far we got 5 good days and then everything went to pot! The country is in an uproar and major division because of a President who refuses to accept defeat and caused a riot. He has been impeached for a 2nd time 7 days before he is to leave the White House. Trying to line up covid 19 shots is the big thing for this year but that is turning into a joke as the sites all freeze up and crash--it's beginning to look like getting a covid shot is going to be in the way distant future--maybe 2022???? Life feels like is is never going to go back to normal ever again. It feels like 2011 when I had such Hope after Janessa died that this would be a great year, except, my rainbow baby died 1 week before my big 40th b-day plans and I spent it crying and beginning the grief cycle all over again.
This year is my 50th birthday and I had grand plans for it, except now covid19 is going to steal all of that away from me too--curse you covid19 I HATE you!!! So push repeat of 40th b-day!
Every single day this year is a repeat of the exact day of the week of when Janessa died. It has never happened before in 11 years which I am extremely grateful for. I thought after 11 years I would be okay with it, but, I'm not! It might be the pandemic messing with my brain, but, just remembering all the little details about the things leading up to her death is just horrifying reliving them all on the same day again. We just passed the 2 months before her birthday mark when we went to see The Princess and the Frog Movie and Janessa danced inside me the whole time. Last night I dreamt I was giving birth again at age 50 and my baby was stillborn again--that was not a pleasant dream. Ughh, push repeat of 2010!
It's like same song second verse--ughhh!!
I just want my life and the world to be normal again--is that possible anymore????
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