The past couple of weeks I have felt really off like sad, gloomy, depressed but I have no reason to feel like this. Then I remembered that when I get like this it means my heart and body are remembering a trigger memory that my mind has either blocked or filed away. I went through Janessa's remembrance book to see what happened 15 years ago at this time. This is what I discovered:
We bought the beautiful blessing dress for Janessa that was supposed to be her blessing dress but turned into her burial dress. This dress helped me through the next couple of months of hard things through my pregnancy that were about to come up. I would go and look at this dress in my closet and remind myself it was all going to be worth is when I saw her in this dress.
This week 15 years ago we went to our first maternal fetal ultrasound because they had found calcifications in her liver on her first ultrasound so this one was going to be a more in depth ultrasound. I got to see her heart beating, I got to see her moving and kicking and giving us the thumbs up signal. They gave us the news that this calcification could mean there was something seriously wrong with Janessa and that she might pass away in my womb (foreshadowing???) They said she might have down syndrome. They wanted to do some more testing, but, I didn't want to risk having a miscarriage and I was too scared to really find out anything else so I chose the wait and see option where we would come back in a month and check to see if the calcification was worse. Now I question if I made the right choice. What if I had done the testing and they could have done something then and there. What if they would have watched me more closely and monitored her more would they have caught whatever happened??? What if all of that would have led to a live birth and in 3 months we would be celebrating her real 16th birthday???? Thing was at the 2nd maternal fetal ultrasound the calcification was completely gone like it had never been there and they said it was a miracle and that I didn't need to come back and she would be fine???? What if choosing to not do the testing gave us 3 more months to spend together???? I hate the what ifs!! This was the last time I would see Janessa alive.
It's always amazing to me how my body and heart never forget these moments even after 15 years!
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