Liberty John's Angel Birthday Nov. 15

Happy Angel Birthday

Liberty John!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

The Far Side of the Rainbow

A post shared by "A Bed for my Heart"

"I need to know that you care about me.
I need to feel your touch, your hugs.
I need you just to be “with” me.
And I need to be with you.
I need to know you believe in me and in my
ability to get through my grief in my own way.
And in my own time."

The Far Side of the Rainbow

I need to talk about my loss.
I may often need to tell you what happened
or to ask you why it happened.
Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself
face the reality of the death of my loved one.

I need to know that you care about me.
I need to feel your touch, your hugs.
I need you just to be “with” me.
And I need to be with you.
I need to know you believe in me and in my
ability to get through my grief in my own way.
And in my own time.

Please don’t judge me now
or think that I’m behaving strangely.
Remember I’m grieving.
I may even be in shock.
I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage.
I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt.
I’m experiencing a pain unlike any I’ve ever felt before.

Don’t worry if you think I’m getting better
and then suddenly I seem to slip backward.
Grief makes me behave this way at times.
And please don’t tell me you “know how I feel,”
or that it’s time for me to get on with my life.
I am probably already saying this to myself.
What I need now is time to grieve and to recover.

Most of all, thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for helping, for understanding.
Thank you for praying for me.

And remember, in the days or years ahead,
when you may have a loss – when you need me
as I have needed you – I will understand.
And then I will come and be with you.

~ Barbara Hills LesStrang
"Friendship Trees Reuniting" painting by Sharon Lee Samyn

Zahraa's Angel Birthday Nov. 14th

Happy Angel Birthday

Zahraa!

 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

The Christmas Angel Tree--little knit hats

My Angel Tree has finally lost all of its leaves and is ready for my Christmas lights and Angel Christmas Hats to go on it.

The past 2 years I decorated the Christmas Angel tree with little presents and bows with the angel children's names written on them and it has been so beautiful!

2012

2013

For this year, 2014, I am decorating the Angel Tree with little knit hats.  These hats have special meaning to me because they represent my angel baby Jason.  I started knitting hats after I miscarried him as a way to represent each week that I did not get with him.  Knitting these hats brought me a way to still feel connected to Jason up until his due date on April 25th, 2014.  I then hung up all 40 of those hats over his remembrance stone and they are still hanging up there because I love it so much.  I was still knitting little hats, but, only 1 a month to count down to his 1st angel birthday.  I felt really lost after his due date because knitting those hat really brought me peace and comfort.  After his due date, I decided that I wanted to knit over 250 little hats to represent other's angel babies on the Christmas Angel Tree this year.  My family and I set this goal and we all worked together all summer to achieve it.  Once we reached 250 I wanted to knit more because I had become addicted!!!  Unfortunately all that small hand and finger movement caused me to get really painful tennis elbow and tendinitis in my arm and hand in August so I had to stop knitting.  I am still recovering 3 months later.  It has been so hard to stop knitting those precious little hats.  

This month as Rae Anne's due date has been approaching I have found myself feeling really down and depressed.  I finally decided last week that for Rae Anne's due date I was going to put all the names on those little hats that we did make and hang them on the Angel Tree.  It won't be the same as being able to bring my alive baby home, but, it has made me so happy this week to put these names on the little hats and take picture of them. These hats truly symbolizes all these beautiful angel babies.  I can't wait to see on Monday what the Angel Tree is going to look like when all of them are on it.  These Angel Hats have given me something to look forward to on Rae Anne's empty due date and for that I am grateful.

Roosevelt Washington IV's Angel Birthday Nov. 11th

Happy Angel Birthday

Roosevelt Washington IV!

<3 <3 <3

Madeline's Angel Birthday Nov. 11th

Happy Angel Birthday

Madeline!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Another unwanted and lousy 1% Group

I read an article the other day that was trying to give encouragement to women who have had a miscarriage that their chances of miscarrying again were very slim and that the odds were in their favor to have a healthy, alive baby.  In fact, they quoted percentages of only 5% of women have a 2nd miscarriage, and only 1% of women have 3 or more miscarriages!!!!   There it is again that lousy 1%.  So now I'm in the lousy club of  1% of women who have a stillborn baby and the lousy club of 1% who have 3 or more miscarriages!!  This SUCKS!!!  1% would be awesome if you were in a club of people who won a cruise or a million dollars or were able to have lots of kids and NEVER have any problems--that is the type of 1% club I would like to be in.  I HATE being in these rotten 1% child loss clubs!!  Being in the 1% you are forgotten about and hardly anyone remembers or cares because they only want to focus on the 99% of healthy alive babies.   Being in the 1% club is very lonely because there is hardly anyone else around who can relate to your grief so most of the time you suffer alone and in silence.  I am grateful for the the few members of these 1% clubs that I have been able to reach out to that truly do care and understand the hard journey we both must face. It is easier when there is someone beside you who understands so that you can help each other along the way.

Christyn Bryce's Angel Birthday Nov. 6th

Happy Angel Birthday

Christyn Bryce!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3<3

A Super Hero named Ethan

Two weeks ago on Oct. 24th, I put up a small Christmas Tree and decorated the outside of my house with Christmas Lights.  WHY?  Was I just trying to be super annoying to my neighbors? No.  Was I trying to be super organized and get a jump start on the Christmas season?  Heck NO!!  I have a really hard time dealing with Christmas and I try to delay all the decorations and Christmas trees as long as I possibly can. So WHY this year did I celebrate Christmas 2 months early? 

It was because I found out about a little superhero named Ethan that doesn't live to far from me who was given 2 weeks to live and his family and neighborhood wanted him to be able to celebrate all of his favorite holidays one last time.  I was amazed at the Christ like love his neighborhood showed him, so when the call went out for others to put up Christmas Trees and lights early and take pictures of them and post them online in support of Ethan and his family because Christmas is his favorite holiday--I was all for it!!!  

Since Janessa died I have had a really hard time finding any kind of joy in the holidays especially Christmas so I find myself dreading the holidays each year especially the past 3 when I added two more angel babies to the empty Christmas stocking list.  I've been dreading this Christmas too, because I have to add 1 more empty Christmas Stocking for Rae Anne who should have been born right before the holidays.  I was a little fearful of my reaction as I put up the small Christmas tree and decorated it for Ethan.  But, I was amazed at the peace and joy I felt as I placed the little decorations on it.  I was also amazed at the peace and calm and joy it has brought to our home.  

I felt a bond with Ethan and his family when I heard about him, because Ethan is only 4 months older than Janessa.  Both Ethan and Janessa had only short little missions to fulfill before they were called back home to heaven.  Janessa's was only 9 months and Ethan's was 4 1/2 years.  I was saddened to hear that Ethan passed away 3 days after his "early" holiday celebrations.  I am so glad he got such a special and wonderful last week of his life and I hope those treasured memories of this last week will bring his family peace and some comfort as they mourn their little boy.  I will never forget little Ethan and the peace and calm he has brought into my life in helping me to find joy in celebrating an "early" Christmas.  I was going to take the little tree down, but, I just can't, it makes me happy to see it so I'm just going to leave it up in remembrance of Ethan through the holidays.

The real holidays will come and go and will probably feel just as empty as they have the past 5 years for me, but, having the memories of celebrating them early in support of Ethan will help me find a little bit of peace and joy among st all the grief and sadness.  Ethan you will always be a Super Hero to us!  I hope my little angels, Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne were there to greet you as you went back to Heaven and I hope you will all be friends.

Our Christmas Tree for Ethan

Our Christmas Lights turned on for Ethan's last 

Christmas Eve Oct. 24th, 2014

The sunset on the day of Ethan's funeral--a beautiful painting of love from Ethan to his family <3

The News Report about Ethan:

WEST JORDAN — Santa flew into a local airport Friday and began his hunt for the perfect vehicle to take him to a special little boy.

He knew it had to be red, so he called up the West Jordan Fire Department for help.

"I said, 'Ethan loves fire trucks. He would love to have a fire truck come into his front yard and take it around the block,'" Santa said.

And so Santa, Mrs. Claus and West Jordan firefighters picked up Ethan Van Leuven in a red fire engine to celebrate what will be Ethan's last Christmas with his family.

Ethan has captured the hearts of a community and nation who came together to make sure his last days of battling leukemia were among his best.

When the Van Leuvens found out Ethan was not responding to life-saving treatments to fight leukemia, they decided to fill his final days with celebrations.

And so they crammed all the holidays they could together into one week.

Christmas, Ethan's favorite holiday, came at the end of a week of celebrations: Halloween on Tuesday, a birthday celebration Thursday, Christmas Eve on Friday and Christmas Day on Saturday.

It began with sign-up sheets in local LDS congregations, and the efforts of neighbors and friends. One of Jen's high school classmates and friends Nancy Labrum Brown created a GoFundMe account for Ethan,gofundme.com/EthanourHero; friends created a Facebook page, facebook.com/fundraiserforethan; and neighbor and friend Anja Peterson created an account at Cyprus Credit Union in Ethan's name. She also worked with local and national media to get the word out.

Police officers, firefighters, mascots, the "Today" show and even Darth Vader showed up over the week to help celebrate. Local radio station KSFI played Christmas music from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. Friday to help kick of the Van Leuvens' celebration.

"You are our hero," Bluffdale officer Aaron Rosen said over his police car's loudspeaker, at the head of a nearly 100-person parade during Ethan's birthday celebration Thursday. "Thank you for being a part of our lives, Ethan. Our hero."

Halloween

Christmas met Halloween Tuesday as neighbors strung lights on their roofs, set up Christmas trees and placed reindeer in their yards to prepare for Friday while jack-o-lanterns sat out in yards ready for the evening's events.

The neighborhood flew into Halloween action as they greeted Superman Ethan, who was trick-or-treating with his plastic jack-o-lantern bucket, along with his parents and five siblings.

Felix Falcon, the mascot for the Utah Falconz women’s football team, came along. The boy beamed as he sprayed Felix with silly string, but squealed and ran when the mascot pulled out an even larger container in response.

Before heading out, the boy shrieked with delight as his dad, Merrill Van Leuven, tickled him while helping his son get into his Superman costume.

“All right, Mr. Superman,” Merrill Van Leuven said to a stoic costumed Ethan.

The boy furrowed his brows and flexed to match the plush muscles on his costume.

“I’m Superman,” Ethan said in a deep voice while small, red lights embedded in the costume blinked on the Superman insignia.

“Up, up away,” he said, jumping into his dad’s arms, his blue eyes bright.

“Superman ready?” his dad asked.

“Yep.”

“Piggy ready?”

“Yesh,” the boy said in an altered voice, nodding his stuffed pig’s head up and down.

The costume is appropriate for a boy who has endured years of treatments with little complaint.

“He is probably the most patient person that I know. I look up to him in a lot of ways,” said his mother, Jen Van Leuven. “There’s a lot of things that he has dealt with that I don’t know that I could deal with without complaining like he does. He just goes with it.”

Ethan was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia at 22 months old. He went into remission six months later and was one year into the process of maintenance chemotherapy when he relapsed. He went through three rounds of intensive chemotherapy, but it was not working.

In November 2013, the Van Leuvens tried an experimental drug, which put him into remission. After cranial and full-body radiation, he received a bone marrow transplant in January, with his little brother, Blake, acting as the donor. He again relapsed.

His parents took him for treatment in Seattle, hopeful they would return soon to continue treatment. Days later they found out his leukemia was out of control and no longer treatable.

Acute lymphoblastic, or lymphocytic, leukemia starts with white blood cells called lymphocytes in the bone marrow, according to cancer.org. Acute means the disease can spread quickly. Untreated, it can be fatal within a few months. Lymphocytic means it develops in young lymphocytes. The leukemia cells get into the blood quickly, where they are carried to other parts of the body, including lymph nodes, liver, spleen, brain and spinal cord.

“When Ethan was first diagnosed, we decided that we weren’t going to break because of this. We were going to stay strong and stick to it,” Merrill Van Leuven said.

Early in the week, Ethan’s parents expressed their love for their son. It was this love that motivated them to pursue treatment as far as they could and put together the week’s events.

“He’s my little buddy. I also want him to know how proud I am of him for fighting through this, and in the midst of his challenge being such an example of faith and strength to me,” Merrill Van Leuven said.

One of Jen Van Leuven's hands rested on Ethan’s tiny foot, the other on her husband’s arm as she spoke. Merrill Van Leuven’s hand rested on her leg.

“We also want him to know how much his Savior loves him and that he’s going to be there waiting for him along with many, many people,” she said.

Birthday

Help poured in from throughout the community. Some, including Jaynee Chandler, put their hobbies to good use.

"It just makes me feel good to be able to help out in any way that I can, whether it’s something small," Chandler said with emotion in her voice as she put the finishing touches on a Batman cake she made for Ethan. "I mean, it’s a cake. It’s simple.”

Others networked and galvanized people into action.

Valerie Walker, event coordinator for Fantasy Con, found out about Ethan Wednesday afternoon and took to Facebook to rally the troops for Ethan's birthday party the next day — one month before his actual birthday.

She mobilized nearly 100 people, including cosplay Indiana Jones, Darth Vader and Black Angels, local police officers, a man playing a bagpipe, the Imperials Car Club and local mascots: Real's Leo the Lion, Max, the Belgian Malinois from the Max Cares 4 Kids Foundation, and T-Bone the bulldog from the Mascot Miracles Foundation.

Police led a parade from an LDS meetinghouse down the street to where the Van Leuven family sat on their front lawn.

"On behalf of all your friends and family, we knight you for courage, for joy and for strength, Sir Ethan," a cosplay knight said Thursday evening when they arrived at the Van Leuvens, handing Ethan a toy sword and leading the crowd in three cheers.

"Hip, hip, huzzah!" they shouted.

Ethan looked on with an expression of wisdom beyond his years, one often reserved for those who have endured extreme suffering. Suddenly, he was 4 again, noticing his reflection in his new sword, holding Darth Vader at knife point and telling his dad how he saw Indiana Jones' bike.

“It really is awesome. He’s had a rough day today, and to see his reaction and how excited he is, it makes me emotional,” said Merrill Van Leuven in a rare break from his often joyful expression. “Just one big thank you for making this special for him.”

Diego Torres, 13, of West Valley City, a stranger to the family, was next in line to help. He spent years winning stuffed animals from inside claw machines and decided to donate the lot to Ethan. He began collecting the animals when his mother was diagnosed with melanoma four years ago. She is now cancer-free, but the impact of the disease remains.

“It’s just heartbreaking,” Diego said with tears in his eyes, explaining the pain Ethan’s family must be feeling.

Christmas

More than 150 people crammed into the Van Leuvens' front yard Friday night, holding cups with candles inside during the final community event for Ethan.

"Silent Night" and "Away in a Manger" rang out as a dozens of children from Ethan's LDS congregation dressed angels, shepherds and wise men enacted a live nativity, alongside a live baby representing Jesus.

After the caroling, a tractor took the family on a hay ride through the neighborhood. Homes throughout the neighborhood glowed with lights, luminescent evidences of the neighborhood's love and support for the boy.

The family then went back to their home for a private celebration that night, and on their Christmas Day, Saturday morning, to wrap up their week of holidays.

"Just overwhelmed" was Merrill Van Leuven's response to the outpouring of support.

He expressed his gratitude to the community and to God for the "outpouring of love and affection," they received. The selflessness of others exemplifies what the Christmas season is all about, he said.

"It's felt like Christmas all day to me."

He got to experience the holidays one last time.

Little Ethan Van Leuven died Tuesday, just a week after his town of West Jordan, Utah, banded together to celebrate the holidays early so Ethan, who had leukemia, could enjoy them.

Ethan, 4, passed away "surrounded by family and friends," a statement on Ethan's GoFundMe page read.

"Super Hero Ethan earned his wings. He fought as hard and as long as any Super Hero could. His family are in all of our prayers and thoughts,"

12 Days

12 days until Rae Anne's due date and I have no idea what to do to remember her on that date.  It makes me sad to think that I should be 9 months pregnant and counting down the days until her birth right now and maybe that is why I have no plans for her due date.  In fact I probably would have had her either this week or next week because I have had all of my babies between 36-39 weeks--I've never gone all the way out to my due dates.  Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time staying motivated right now because my body and heart know that I should have a newborn in my arms





I had Jason's due date all planned out on April 25th and I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but, then when we got down to the days leading up to it I got so depressed that all I really wanted to do was just hide from it.  Rae Anne's due date is different.  I wasn't doing a count down to it, No one really knew it except for me because she left so soon, it has just always been a date in the back of my mind.  I did mark it on my planning calender after I took a pregnancy test and I was so excited that she was due around Thanksgiving and all those hard holidays.  Her due date was 17 days before Hope Abigails due date on Dec. 3rd.  Just like Hope, I imagined how wonderful it would be to hold my alive little baby in my arms to help through all the pain of the holidays.  And just like Hope's empty due date it is just another trigger date to remind me that again my arms will be empty on the 17th and through the holidays.

Harvey David's 1st Angel Birthday Nov. 5th

Happy 1st Angel Birthday

Harvey David!

<3

Evan Thomas' Angel Birthday Nov. 5th

Happy Angel Birthday

Evan Thomas!

<3 <3

Casper David's Angel Birthday Nov. 4th

Happy Angel Birthday

Casper David!

<3 <3 <3

Aiden William's Angel Birthday Nov. 2nd

Happy Angel Birthday

Aiden William

<3 <3 <3 <3

Feodora Laurant's Angel Birthday Oct. 31

Happy Angel Birthday

Feodora Laurant!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Lee Anne's Angel Birthday Oct. 28th

Happy Angel Birthday

Aunt Lee Anne!

Skylar Marie's Angel Birthday Oct. 27th

Happy Angel Birthday

Skylar Marie!

<3 <3 <3 <3

Devon James' Angel Birthday Oct. 27th

Happy Angel Birthday

Devon James!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3