Blake and Bradyn's 5th Angel Birthday

Happy 5th Angel Birthday

<3 Blake and Bradyn <3

My Ring Finger

My ring finger is not empty anymore.  After 1 week of being apart I have finally been reunited with my wedding ring.  :)  I love how shiny and new it looks. <3

9

It's all about 9 today.  Today June 9th it is exactly 9 months to Janessa's next angel birthday--a pregnancy away.  9 months that I carried her, the 9th of the month I said goodbye to her, I wish I could have my pregnancy back with her and enjoy the next 9 months of just me and her instead of dreading each month until March.  9 months seems like a long time, but, it passes very quickly.

In honor of 9 months to Janessa's angel birthday I covered her remembrance stone in rose petals.

Love you Janessa--grateful we had 9 months together, wish we could have had more.

I won tickets to Odysseo Cavalia

On Monday I received an email that said I had won 2 tickets to the Cavalia show in a contest I had entered.  I was so shocked.  I never win anything.  I was so excited because I wanted to go see this show and I had entered the contest on a whim never expecting to win anything.

Last night my husband and I went to the Cavalia show for free from the tickets that I won.  It was AMAZING!!!  I'm not even sure how to describe the show--kind of a horse/acrobat/ballet/gymnastic adventure.  There really are no words to describe it besides amazing!

Before the show I couldn't even get excited about it because I was so worried that it was all going to be a big hoax or something and I didn't want to be disappointed.  Since I loss Janessa I've had issues with this because I was so excited to hold Janessa as my newborn baby and then to have things dramatically turn for the worse, I always expect the worse of situations because I don't want my heart to be hurt like that ever again.

Even when I had the tickets in my hands I was still waiting for the big disappointment to come like the seats were clear up in the nosebleed section and had an obstructed view or something.  I was shocked when they led us to seats that were 4 rows from the stage with a great view--these were awesome seats!!  These were seats that were worth around $300 and we were there for free.

I still sit here today so shocked that I won the tickets and got to see it.  My kids are really tired of hearing me talking about it, but, I absolutely loved it and it was a dream come true for me because I had wanted to go see it for my birthday in May or for my anniversary this month but when I checked the ticket prices I knew there was no way I would be able to afford tickets to it.  I just happened to come across their contest on my face book feed and decided what the heck I'll enter it not expecting to win at all.  This was definitely a tender mercy for me. <3

The View from our seats

The Empty Finger

For the first time in 24 years my ring finger is empty.  Do you see the indent where my wedding ring use to be?  Every year my ring has gotten tighter and tighter as my body has changed sizes dramatically from when I first received this ring 24 years ago.  I have just endured the pain of this ring as it got tighter and tighter because I rarely take it off except for certain things like painting or working with bread dough, etc.  This year, I couldn't even get my ring off anymore unless I iced my finger and even then it was an extremely painful experience, and I knew it was time to do something about it.  So my ring is at the original ring shop it was bought from being enlarged to a bigger size so hopefully it will be more comfortable to wear again.  Only problem is it is costing a fortune to do this and they called today to tell me that the bracket that holds the diamond is in really bad shape and needed to be completely replaced so now it is going to cost even more money.  I feel bad that this is another result of my grief journey--pounds gained from 4 loss pregnancies and never lost because of emotional stress eating and a body that wants to keep a souvenir "my baby fat tummy" from those 4 pregnancies.  I will always regret that when Janessa was born the photographer wanted to take a picture of both my husband and I's rings together on Janessa's feet, but, I couldn't get my ring off my finger--what I would give to go back to that time and have that picture taken.

So for now I get to endure an empty ring finger.  It feels weird to look down and not see it there, but, I see the indent and I feel the indent and it's almost like it is there even though it isn't.  Sometimes I wonder if that is how my heart is coping with the loss of my babies.  It feels weird to not have them here, but, it feels right that they are in heaven and so it feels like they are still with me in my heart. Some days that is an okay feeling for me, and some days it is not okay with me.

Can't wait until my finger is reunited with my ring again and I'm reunited with my babies, though I'm guessing I'll see my ring again a lot sooner than I will my babies.

Rose Petals for my Angel Babies

Been a really stressful week so it was nice to take some time this morning and just enjoy my flowers that are blooming outside.  I love all the lilies and roses and love that I could put my own rose petals for free all over their remembrance stones.

Feeling happy today, feels good to have moments of joy squeezed in among all the stress of normal life.

Love you Forever and Always my sweet angel Babies Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne!!

Love, Mommy