Reliving the Past AGAIN!!!!

 I am Not happy that I’m having to relive the past again, this time from 2011.  Ten years ago I was 10 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby Hope Abigail and I was 1 week out from celebrating my 40^th birthday.  I was having a hard time reaching such a milestone birthday so I had been planning my birthday for over a year.  I was thrilled to find out a couple of months before that I was pregnant and so I included my pregnancy into my birthday plans—she was my best birthday present ever!  I was going to announce in a big way on my 40^th birthday that I was pregnant and I had planned all these fun things to do every day leading up to my birthday.  All those plans got cancelled one week before my birthday on May 7^th when I experienced my first miscarriage.  I was devastated and heartbroken.  Instead of all my fun plans, they all got canceled while I recovered from my miscarriage—it was awful!  I ended up just getting 40 balloons and releasing them as my birthday activity.

Flash forward 10 years later, here I am on the brink of my 50^th birthday.  I am NOT pregnant this time, I have had 2 more miscarriages and I was NEVER able to have the longed for and healing rainbow baby.  I decided I needed to do something big for this birthday because I am definitely feeling depressed and a little bit discouraged that I am a failure at everything in my life.  So my big plan was to either go to Disneyland or Disney World (it is celebrating its 50^th birthday too) and make a big trip out of it to stay at a house at the beach and see the redwood trees or just my husband and I would go on a big US History/Church History tour.  When covid broke out and ruined my 49^th birthday last year I was a little bit worried but fully confident that covid would be a thing of the past by the time my 50^th birthday arrived.  NOPE covid has officially ruined my 50^th birthday plans just like my miscarriage did 10 years ago.  It is really not safe to travel anywhere and Disneyland just barely opened back up but only to people in California.  This really SUCKS!!  I’m going on a trip but it is just to a private house near Bear Lake where we won’t be around people.  It really isn’t the dream 50^th birthday that I wanted, but, like my 40^th birthday I’m going to have to make due AGAIN!!

Back to Normal?????

 

I'm surrounded by people who are so excited for life to get back to "normal". Church is going back to "normal", soon stores and restaurants and vacations will all get back to "normal". I want that too because I'm definitely tired of living in all the crazy that 2020 and 2021 has become, but, I can't help but feel a little sad, a little bitter, and a little angry as life gets back to "normal".

You see, for the first time ever, the whole world has had to live in my own personal "hell" of things not being normal. They have been able to sort of walk in my shoes that I felt when Janessa died and my whole world was changed and NOT Normal. For me it has been hard the past year being reminded of that change in my life, but, it has also been very familiar territory of having everything you recognize as normal being ripped away from you and trying to make sense of it and trying to endure it and keep moving forward. That has been my way of life for the past 11 years.

Now I'm being left behind again as the world get's "back to normal". There is NO back to Normal for me. There is no shot that will miraculously bring Janessa back to life. There is no miracle cure that will change the outcomes of my 3 miscarriages and give me that longed for rainbow baby. There is no healing cure that will change all the mental health issues that my family and I have endured and are continually dealing with because of Janessa's death. Normal life died on March 9th, 2010, and it is NEVER coming back for me!

May Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of May!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

One Week To Hope's 10th Angel Birthday

 Today it is 1 week to Hope's 10th Angel Birthday.  I don't really have any grand plans for her b-day besides to plant flowers in my front barrels.  I'm hoping the store will have a cute lady bug cake or cookie that I can pick up.  I'm also taking my 2nd youngest kid to get her 2nd covid shot that day, which isn't very fun, but, is a relief to me that all of my family will be protected from covid except my youngest kid--hopefully they will get approval on covid shots for teens soon.  The tulips in my backyard have bloomed and they are so beautiful so I decided to get some pictures this morning with Hope's name in front of them.  

Janessa's EDD

 Dear Janessa,

Today is hard--it is your EDD again except this time it is the original day of the week--Easter Sunday. This was a day I looked forward too for 9 very long months in 2010 but turned out to be a day I dreaded instead. Instead of it being the happy day of your birth we decorated your grave.

Today I don't know how to feel. I watched the beautiful sunrise and felt the warmth of the sun on my face and I felt joy and hope. I am grateful that because of Jesus Christ I will get to see you again and that one day there truly will be Joy that cometh in the morning when all sorrow is taken from the Earth and there truly is no more sting of the grave. I am grateful because of Jesus Christ that He can help me to find Joy in my mourning and help me through each day, but, I'm not quite there yet.

But I also feel pain and loneliness and hopelessness at your loss and that you are not here. It just hurts some days like today that you are gone and the time before I get to see you again feels way too far away. So some days I feel like the dead rose just empty and hopeless and other days I feel like the alive rose full of hope and joy. It is so confusing feeling such opposite emotions.

With all my heart I wish we were celebrating your 11th birthday today and that the past 11 years of grief were just a distant nightmare instead of my reality.

Easter 2021

 Happy Easter

Janessa, Hope, Jason, & Rae Anne

and ALL Angel Babies Everywhere!

We Love You!

We Miss You!

You are Remembered & Cherished!

We can't wait to see you again <3

The Rose

 I held back one of the roses that I got to decorate Janessa's grave with on her birthday.  I just wanted something of beauty to help me find some joy during all the emotional turmoil I go through on her angel b-day.  I have loved having it on my bathroom counter.  It was still alive and strong 3 weeks after her angel birthday which was awesome, but, then it started to die which I hate.  But, I noticed something strange this time because as the rose was dying, a new leaf started to form.  Within days I had 3 big new leaves that were alive and thriving.  It was weird but so nice to see them alive even though the rose was dead.  I was hoping they would keep growing but, alas yesterday they died too.  It is almost a representation of my life the past 11 years and my life these past 2 years.  Janessa's death tore me apart and it has taken 11 years to start putting myself together and start to take steps forward again.  Like the new little leaves I cautiously stretch and make strides. 2020 is the dead rose that has made everything seem bleak and hopeless, then 2021 came along with the promise of vaccines and like the new leaves starting to sprout, new hope arose, then came more riots, more variants to covid, not enough vaccine, and an ex friend accusing me of emotional child abuse and turning me into Child Protective Services in February and having to deal with all that crap and now I am like the dead leaves that are hopeless and bleak once more.  I had great hopes for 2021, but, it seems to be as crappy as 2020.

April Angel Birthdays

  Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of April!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Decorating Janessa's Grave for Easter

 We went up and decorated Janessa's grave for Easter today instead of next week.  I really wanted to go on Easter but, I didn't think I could handle being their on the exact day of her due date and because it is also General Conference and I didn't want to be rushed.  I was surprised that they had not cleaned up her grave from her birthday so we just kept some of things and incorporated them into Easter.

I was also able to decorate my remembrance stones for the first time in 3 years which was really healing.