Happy 12th Angel Birthday Hope Abigail!

 Happy 12th Angel Birthday

to my sweet little

<3 Hope Abigail <3

You Are Loved!

Your Are Missed!

You Are Remembered !

It seems unreal that 12 years have passed since you slipped so quickly from my life. You were my precious rainbow after the storm of Janessa's death. I was so happy, so hopeful, so filled with joy when I became pregnant with you. I was also so naïve! I truly believed that because Janessa had died that nothing bad would ever happen again because I had done my "time" so to speak. How wrong I was! Your death ripped a hole in my innocence and tour apart that fragile hope that everything was going to be okay. It is hard to look back and feel all that pain that having my first miscarriage brought me. It was different than the pain Janessa's death brought me, but, it was just as damaging. Your little life did bring me my Pinwheels in Heaven charity and for that I thank you. Your little life taught me to serve and to not judge and to sympathize and empathize with others. You taught me how to find joy in small moments and how to slowly look for hope again. I miss what our life could have been like if you were still in it, but, I'm grateful for the lessons that your life has taught me.

Happy Birthday in Heaven!! I LOVE You!!!

Love, Mommy

May Angel Birthdays

 Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of 

May!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

April Angel Birthdays

 Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of 

April!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Rae Anne's 9th Angel Birthday

 Happy 9th Angel Birthday

to my Lil'

<3 Rae Anne <3

Owl ways Loved!

Owl ways Remembered!

Owl ways Missed!

Owl ways in my Heart!

Remembering Janessa

Today it has been 13 years since I buried my baby.  

I don't even know how to feel even typing that sentence.  Maybe a little empty and lost.  I had so many disappointments after Janessa died and the graveside service was one of them.  I wanted to see Janessa one last time.  I wanted to put her in her coffin.  I wanted reassurance that her life mattered and that she would be resurrected and I would see her again NOT just a paragraph in a handbook shoved at me to say we have no answers as to what will happen--that hurt so bad that because she never took a breath that I had no promises like other babies who took 1 breath and then died.  I wanted her coffin to already be at the grave, not, my husband and I having to see it in the hearse and then my husband having to carry her coffin by himself to the grave while I walked behind.  I wanted to spend time at the grave not have to rush off.  I wish I had felt comfortable taking pictures because I wish I had pictures of her coffin and the flower bouquet on her coffin.  I wanted some alone time with my baby, but, instead I had people coming up to me hugging me and saying over and over how sorry they were.  I physically didn't want people to touch me or hug me because my milk had come in that day and I was miserable and it physically hurt to have people hug me.  I was sick of people telling me they were sorry and it was God's will and she was in a better place.  A lot of those people who were there have walked out of my life and never spoken with me again and that hurts too.  A lot of those people have never mentioned Janessa again and have basically erased her from existence.  I wanted to release balloons to the heavens that day.  I wanted to come home and cry and find peace, not come home to the neighbors having a rock concert that shook our house because it was so loud. 

I think more than anything, I wanted this to NOT be my life of burying my child rather than having her safe at home with me.

I am grateful that the flower bouquet I bought a week before Janessa's angel b-day this year still continues to keep giving and bringing me peace this year.  I have been able to spread rose petals and a lily on her remembrance stone to bring me peace today and I still have 2 pink roses and purple flowers that are still blooming and that I can continue to enjoy--definitely a tender mercy for today.

Janessa's 13th Angel Birthday

 Happy 13th Angel Birthday

to my Precious

<3 Janessa <3

I can't believe you would be a teenager now. It seems unreal that so much time has passed. It is so hard every year to not have you here. I know you are happy in Heaven and that you watch over us as our guardian angel now. I just wish we could see each other and talk or write letters and emails like I do for your sister who is on a mission for our church. You are on your mission too--it is just different than hers and different than the life I had anticipated for you and your mission last much, much longer than 18 months it is a lifetime until I get to see you and hold you in my arms again and that is at times really hard to endure. I am doing the best I can on this journey in life without you here.

I Miss You!

I Love You!

I Remember You!

I can't wait to see you again!

Love, Mommy