I don't hate being a mother, I LOVE being a mother and I LOVE motherhood. Being a part of creating another human being and then carrying that baby for 9 months feeling them moved and kick and have hiccups and respond to voices is an AMAZING and MIRACULOUS experience--one I wouldn't trade for anything. Watching the baby be born and holding them and seeing them see the world for the first time is incredible. Watching that baby grow to become a toddler, preschooler, child, preteen, teenager, then adult is amazing. I love seeing them learn and grow. It isn't all fun and games though, it is a lot of hard work and some days it really, really, stinks and you wish you could quit, but, it is definitely all worth it. It is those feelings that make me feel so sad and loss after loosing Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne because I got cheated out of all those experiences. And mothers day is a big reminder to me that those things were taken away from me.
Before I loss Janessa, I didn't like mothers day because I hated going to church and hearing all the talks about peoples perfect mothers and wives--it made me feel like such a failure. There was no way I could ever live up to those "perfect" reputations. I also didn't like how some of my friends who were not married and others who were not able to have children felt awful on mothers day too. My heart ached for them too.
My feelings of dislike for mothers day intensified after I loss Janessa in 2010. It became a day of torture to remind me that all my children were not with me. Then I saw blm friends who hurt and ached on that day because they were experiencing the same pain that I was feeling. I still remember the first mothers day after I loss Janessa. It had been 2 months and I thought I was okay so I went to church. Hearing all the speakers talk about mothers sacrificing and going through 9 months and then labor and delivery and getting that perfect reward that baby to cuddle in your arms was the most tortuous thing I have ever endured. I had tears streaming down my face when I ran out of the building half way through the meeting. I cried all the way home and then spent the rest of the day in tears longing for my perfect baby who was lying in a grave at the cemetery. I determined from that day on that I would NEVER endure another mothers day like that again. I give myself the day off from church for mothers day. It was awful in 2011 when I ended up miscarrying Hope Abigail mothers day weekend. That was the worst mothers day gift ever! Each year that I have loss another of my babies has made this holiday worse and worse to get through. This year is especially hard because 5 of my children are missing--4 in Heaven, 1 married and not living here anymore. I have cringed with every ad on tv, radio, newspaper, emails, and fb for mothers day. I literally have to run in and out of stores with my eyes half closed because of all the displays. I just would like to crawl into a deep hole and hide for this whole weekend until all this mothers day crap is over!
So NO, I don't hate Motherhood or being a Mom, I just hate the holiday that discriminates and makes most women feel miserable and like total failures.
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