I thought I was through with painting my fingernails black after I went through my emdr therapy and got most of the traumatic grief in me settled down 2 years ago, but, yesterday I got out the black fingernail polish again. I felt like a failure at first as I started painting my nails all black and then a streak of new blue glitter on top. It is weird, but, it does bring me a little comfort to see them this way. Some times the pain and hurt I feel inside my heart is so bad there are no words to describe it and so painting my nails this way helps me express that pain. I always try to top it with glitter polish to remind myself that even though the pain is deep and dark, there is still a glimmer of hope and faith and joy deep down inside that will surface again another day. Maybe it is my way of saying to myself "The Sun will come out Tomorrow--gotta hang on til tomorrow."
When we went to decorate Janessa's grave the other day, surprisingly all the stuff from Thanksgiving was still there buried under the slushy snow. That brought me comfort knowing that Janessa's grave had not be empty and alone for the past month. As we cleaned it up, I discovered another little word rock that we had not seen last time--this one said Joy. It brought me comfort and pain at the same time. I am trying to find little bits of joy, but, right now I feel so much pain and heartache that joy feels completely buried and frozen under all my discouragement and despair. Maybe finding this rock later than the other ones symbolizes that joy is still there and it is coming I just gotta endure and hang on.
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