10 years ago I buried my baby

10 years ago today I buried my baby.  I have no pictures of that day.  I wish I had a picture of her coffin and of the beautiful floral arrangement that was placed on her coffin and then on her grave.  I wish I had a picture of the only flowers that were sent by her Great Uncle Del who made all the arrangements and paid for most of the cemetery expenses and he spoke at her graveside service.  He was the only one who really reached out to help us through all the funeral arrangements I think because he had buried one of his children and understood what we were going through.  I wish I had had time this day to see and hold Janessa one last time.  To dress her in her burial dress, take more pictures, rock her and whisper that I loved her as I placed her in her coffin--that opportunity was stolen from me. 

All I have of that day is the Graveside service program, a cd of the music that was played that I hate listening to now,  the plant Uncle Del gave us for our home, and some of the ribbon and roses that we went up a week later and took from the floral arrangement from her grave.  I have some good memories from that day of standing around her coffin as a family holding hands and saying a family prayer before we left, and of hearing words of comfort from Uncle Del. 

Unfortunately, most of the memories are terrible--seeing her little coffin and having to watch my husband carry it to the grave site by himself, sitting right in front of it and staring at it during the service wondering what the hell was happening, having people hug me was awful and painful because my stupid milk had just come in because my body didn't realize the baby wouldn't need that milk because she was dead and just having people say stupid things to me like God needed another angel and other dumb stuff that I didn't want to hear,  walking away from that cemetery leaving my baby to be buried in the ground was horrifying!!  Then we get home ready to just be done with the day, and our next door neighbors teenage kid decided to do a rock concert with his electric guitar for about 3 hours and it just blew this obnoxious noise through our house and gave us headaches--not a good way to end the day.  10 years ago this day just sucked!!! 

The things buried with Janessa

The hand and foot molds of Janessa

The roses and ribbon from the floral arrangement from her grave

The Graveside Program