For the past 20 years I have always put up my Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving. This year I just didn't feel like it. I put up the fall decorations while I was pregnant with Jason and it just made me sad to take them down--it felt like I was erasing everything about Jason. I managed to make it until Sunday Dec. 1st before my kids started asking about putting up the Christmas Tree. I just didn't want to deal with it at all so I just told them they could, but, I wasn't going to help. It really made me upset just walking past the room and seeing that tree. I had to go hide in my room and cry while they put it together. I had wanted to get a new tree this year for Christmas because the tree we have just reminds me of Janessa because the only really good picture I have of me pregnant with her is our family picture taken in Dec. of 2009 in front of that tree. Now when I see that tree all I see are unfulfilled wishes and dreams that were crushed in 2010 and then again in 2011 when Hope Abigail was suppose to be born in December and be my Christmas baby. This year I've been punched and crushed again as I was so excited to share Christmas with Jason inside of me. It is such a cruel blow to me that I loss him before any of the holidays and I am empty again. So that tree again represents all the losses I have--all the dreams taken away.
It is so very hard to put up 6 baby first Christmas ornaments and then 3 baby remembrance ornaments. It is so hard to put up 8 Christmas Stockings that will be filled and then 3 Christmas Stockings that will remain empty. It is so very hard to watch other complete families be so excited for Christmas and watch them buy all these fun toys and things for all of their children knowing that 3 of my children will only be getting decorations on their remembrance stones and that when other families are gathering for family parties we go to the cemetery to decorate Janessa's grave. It really sucks to decorate your baby's grave as their Christmas present!!! People wonder why I am depressed, sad, and angry at Christmas and I would love to trade places with them for just a day and allow them to live my life and try to balance celebrating Christmas with living children along with angel children. I would love to see how they handled trudging through the snow around Christmas to take decorations for their child's grave and then I would like them to come back to me and tell me how "easy" that was!!!
I think I feel worse and have done less for Christmas this year than I have for the past 3 years. I just can't get myself to read the Christmas books we traditionally read, I can't stand to listen to the Christmas music, I again banned the Christmas countdown calendars from our living room and family traditions and just let the kids have them in their own rooms.
The kids wanted to decorate the Christmas tree for family home evening last Monday and I just didn't think I could handle that either so I headed to my room to hide, only problem is in my heart I could feel Janessa, Hope, and Jason's excitement for the tree and they wanted me to remember them and include them by putting ornaments on the tree. I hesitantly went out and started to put ornaments on the tree. It was hard seeing all the angel ornaments for Janessa and Hope and realizing that I only had a few for Jason. As I looked around our living room I realized that because we had repainted this room a different color and we had rearranged the furniture for the first time in 12 years that this year that room looked different and it felt different so it didn't bring on all the familiar trigger things. I had bought new ornaments for the tree so even the tree looks different than before. After the tree was decorated, I felt okay with taking the fall decorations down and putting up some of the Christmas decorations. I didn't put up a lot, so most of it will stay packed away in boxes for this year because it is all I can handle. One of my favorite things is these 12 star decorations that I bought in remembrance of Jason. I put these over our Stockings. They represent the 12 weeks that Jason and I got together. When all the Christmas decorations are put away in January, these stars will remain until next October 10th for Jason's 1st Angel Birthday. After it was all put up I stood and looked at it and I did feel at peace with the decorations. I was happy that I was able to participate and not freak out and that I could include Janessa and Hope and Jason in the excitement.
My 3 little angel bears get to hang out and play under the Christmas Tree for the month of December.
Where the Pinwheels are hanging out during the Christmas Season. I actually love having them here because I see them all the time now and they are right below my new favorite pictures of Janessa's hand and foot prints made into an angel.
I was so happy to discover that my tinsel decoration has "stars" all over it!! If your wondering why my nativity set is missing pieces, we are doing our Christ-Centered Christmas thing again that I described in a post last year click HERE to read about it.
Each of my kids has an ornament like this. My living children's all have a newborn picture of them in a frame that either says It's a girl or It's a boy. It's hard that I have no picture for Hope but a an angel picture. I was happy that with Jason's I could at lease put his ultrasound picture on this ornament for him.
Jason's 12 stars for the 12 weeks we spent together <3
I actually bought Jason's stocking back in 2009 when I bought Janessa's stocking, just incase the ultrasound was wrong and Janessa came out a boy, which she did not. This stocking has a big C on the other side because had Janessa been a boy we were going to name him Caleb. So I guess it will now just stand for our last name Cox.
These are some new snowmen angel ornaments that I bought--they are adorable and I love the words imprinted on them.
