The 5 months that I should be BUT the 8 weeks that I am :`(

Today is a hard day.  Today I should be 5 months pregnant--the half way mark.  I should be big and miserably pregnant.  I should be rejoicing that I was smart and wrapped all the presents early.  I should be so happy that I just had an ultrasound and that I am feeling Jason kicking and that would be my best Christmas Present in 3 years.  BUT, my reality is it has been 8 weeks since I loss Jason.  In 4 days it will be the 10th and then it will officially be 2 months since I miscarried Jason.  My reality is that I am still big, but NOT pregnant, just fat.  My reality is I knit 8 little empty hats today--5 exactly the same to represent the 5 months that I am not.  The other 3 each one represents my angels.  My reality is I did NOT take a 5 month belly picture I took an 8 week empty hat picture.

I hate my reality.

I think part of the reason I struggle so much with Christmas is because of the gift that my husband and I gave each other in 2009 while I was pregnant with Janessa--this awesome new baby bassinette that I was so excited to use.  Now it still sits empty and unused.  3 times I have gotten excited that I was going to use it and 3 times I have been bitterly disappointed and had my dreams and hopes crushed!  Because of this present the holidays will always represent lost dreams and hopes that I will never get again.

I finally got a chance to watch this weeks episode of Biggest Loser.  I started crying during the part when Jay finally admits that when his parents divorced and his childhood home burned down that a part of him died that day.  And Jillian encourages him to feel the pain and not run and hide from it but to use the pain constructively in an exercise workout.  A part of me died on March 9, 2010, then another part of me died on May 7th, 2011, and yet again part of me died on October 10, 2013.  I have continued to stand back up after each fall, but, I am tired.  I am weak.  I am angry.  I am so tired of seeing that happily ever after seems to go to everyone else but me.  I don't know how to feel the pain and not run and hide from my pain because it makes everyone so uncomfortable when I express it.  So I continue to put on my "Doing Okay" mask that everyone wants to see even though inside I am literally falling apart.   I  just don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore.  My reality is I am sad for the holidays.