Happy Angel Birthday
Liam!
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
2013 PinWheels From Heaven
I've had really mixed emotions the past couple of days about starting this new year. Part of me is falling apart because I don't want to face Janessa and Hope's Angel birthdays all over again, I don't want to face some other hard days that are coming up this year, I don't want to face letting go of some hopes and dreams, I don't want to face some of the usual things that come up at certain times in the year. That part of me doesn't want to face this year at all and wants to hide my face in discouragement and despair.
Another part of me looks forward to trying to progress again on my grief journey, looks forward to honoring and remembering my angel babies and others angel babies and planning new things for our family to look forward to.
I was taking pinwheel pictures today and I took all the pinwheels outside to get pictures of all of them in the snow against the blue cloudy sky. It was so beautiful! For me this picture represents hope and acceptance for the new year.
Another part of me looks forward to trying to progress again on my grief journey, looks forward to honoring and remembering my angel babies and others angel babies and planning new things for our family to look forward to.
I was taking pinwheel pictures today and I took all the pinwheels outside to get pictures of all of them in the snow against the blue cloudy sky. It was so beautiful! For me this picture represents hope and acceptance for the new year.
Hugs,
:`) Shauna :`(
:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Welcome 2013
This is the quote on the front of a journal I bought for myself for 2013.
I have stood so long looking at the closed doors of Janessa and Hope's deaths, and now the closed door of being unable to get pregnant again that I have forgotten how to look for the open door. It is there somewhere but it is a door that is different than what I have been waiting for.
This is my goal for this year to find that door to happiness that is open.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Acceptance
ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance is what I’m striving for this next year. I bought this cute little angel statue of 2 little angels hugging to remind me of this goal.
*Accepting what has happened
*Accepting
that there is nothing I can do to change what has happened
*Accepting the new
Shauna that is emerging from this tragedy
*Accepting Heavenly Father’s different
plan for my life and continuing to trust and have faith in him
*Accepting
the fact that my 2 angel babies Janessa and Hope are in Heaven and that they
have each other and they are happy and I can be happy too even though we are
apart for now.
Treasure Yesterday, Dream of Tomorrow, but Live for today
Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.
Everyone who got to where they are had to begin
where they were. Richard Paul Evans
Sometimes the strongest and most courageous people are those who cry behind closed doors and
fight battles nobody sees.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Snow Names
Thank you Anna for the beautiful snow names of Janessa & Hope! This brightened up my day today and brought a smile to my face. It means so much to me to have Janessa & Hope remembered <3
Andrew, Benjamin, & Caleb's Angel Birthdays Dec. 30
Happy Angel Birthdays
Andrew, Benjamin, & Caleb!
Andrew Noah
Benjamin Levi
Caleb Thomas
Friday, December 28, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
I Survived Christmas
The best thing about today is that Christmas is over and I don't have to endure another one for 364 more days!!! This was my 3rd Christmas without Janessa and my 2nd without Hope. I had high expectations for myself that this was going to be a better Christmas this year and that I was going to be able to handle all my emotions and find joy and peace on Christmas day. I went to bed last night feeling like a total failure because it was NOT a good day yesterday. I think some of my expectations are of going back to how Christmas used to be before 2010 and that will never be again. I have to find a new normal for Christmas now.
I woke up Christmas morning not feeling good physically and emotionally I was a wreck. I was ornery, sad, angry, depressed and disappointed. I had actually done really well emotionally up to late Christmas Eve when I just started crying. I think I had a trigger moment while I was out shoveling snow and looked up and saw one of my neighbors was outside with her 1 year old granddaughter and I guess that triggered all the sadness that I should have a 1 year old too. Then packing all the kids Christmas stockings and placing their presents under the tree knowing that there was nothing to give Janessa and Hope made me sad too. I kind of felt like great another I HATE Christmas day to endure--will this never end--am I doomed to feel rotten for the rest of my life on Christmas? But, this morning as I felt the joy that all the stress of the Christmas season was over for another year, I looked back and realized that I'm not a complete failure this year.
So Christmas day wasn't so great, usually every day leading up to Christmas is like that, and this year I had really good days leading up to Christmas with only an occasional fall apart day. I was able to find ways to make Christmas more endurable for me and not so traumatizing. I was able to go to the cemetery and find joy and peace. I had a really good day Christmas Eve doing things with my family!! I even found the surprise and joy and happiness of opening unexpected gifts from my parents that I haven't felt in the past 3 years. I found true joy seeing that my parents had gifts for Janessa and Hope along with the gifts for my other children. That meant so much to me to have Janessa and Hope remembered!!! I sat down this morning and made a list of all the good things that I liked about Christmas this year and I ended up with 3 pages worth of things.
So yes, I fell apart on Christmas and that day was really hard and wasn't what I had hoped for, but, I'm not a complete failure with the Christmas season this year, because I found more peace, more calm, more joy, and more happiness this year than I have found the past 3 years.
Of course I am still really glad it is over!! :`)
I woke up Christmas morning not feeling good physically and emotionally I was a wreck. I was ornery, sad, angry, depressed and disappointed. I had actually done really well emotionally up to late Christmas Eve when I just started crying. I think I had a trigger moment while I was out shoveling snow and looked up and saw one of my neighbors was outside with her 1 year old granddaughter and I guess that triggered all the sadness that I should have a 1 year old too. Then packing all the kids Christmas stockings and placing their presents under the tree knowing that there was nothing to give Janessa and Hope made me sad too. I kind of felt like great another I HATE Christmas day to endure--will this never end--am I doomed to feel rotten for the rest of my life on Christmas? But, this morning as I felt the joy that all the stress of the Christmas season was over for another year, I looked back and realized that I'm not a complete failure this year.
So Christmas day wasn't so great, usually every day leading up to Christmas is like that, and this year I had really good days leading up to Christmas with only an occasional fall apart day. I was able to find ways to make Christmas more endurable for me and not so traumatizing. I was able to go to the cemetery and find joy and peace. I had a really good day Christmas Eve doing things with my family!! I even found the surprise and joy and happiness of opening unexpected gifts from my parents that I haven't felt in the past 3 years. I found true joy seeing that my parents had gifts for Janessa and Hope along with the gifts for my other children. That meant so much to me to have Janessa and Hope remembered!!! I sat down this morning and made a list of all the good things that I liked about Christmas this year and I ended up with 3 pages worth of things.
So yes, I fell apart on Christmas and that day was really hard and wasn't what I had hoped for, but, I'm not a complete failure with the Christmas season this year, because I found more peace, more calm, more joy, and more happiness this year than I have found the past 3 years.
Of course I am still really glad it is over!! :`)
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Janessa & Hope Abigail
& all your Angel Friends!!
I Love You!
I Miss You!
Wishing You were here for Christmas!
All I wanted for Christmas is You!
Love, Mommy
Monday, December 24, 2012
Candles Under the Angel Tree
We had fun lighting candles in the snow and placing them under the angel tree--it looks so beautiful!
<3 Merry Christmas in Heaven to all the Angel Babies <3
Christmas Family Traditions
Over the years our family has acquired a lot of yearly family Christmas Traditions. Before 2010 I never would have thought that one of our traditions would be to take a Christmas Tree to the cemetery on Christmas Eve. For the last 3 years that has been our new tradition. This year we took Janessa her tree a day before because we are suppose to get a snowstorm today, which as you can tell from the green grass it would be nice to get. I got Janessa a new Christmas Tree this year that is all White--I love it! And I love that her old green Christmas tree gets to stay at our house by Hopes tree. I got Janessa's Great Grandma and Grandpa, who she is buried next to, a Christmas tree this year too because usually no one does anything for them except on memorial day.
It wasn't as traumatizing this year to decorate her grave. I would still prefer to have her here with me, but, it was nice to feel okay out there and to be able to laugh and feel normal at the cemetery too. My kids actually cooperated with me and let me take their picture. Pretty sad that the only way to get a group picture of all my kids and a complete family picture is at the cemetery!! This would probably make people really uncomfortable if I used this family picture as our Christmas Card picture, but, this is my "new normal" life--like it or not.
Our Yard--Angel Tree and Remembrance Garden
It wasn't as traumatizing this year to decorate her grave. I would still prefer to have her here with me, but, it was nice to feel okay out there and to be able to laugh and feel normal at the cemetery too. My kids actually cooperated with me and let me take their picture. Pretty sad that the only way to get a group picture of all my kids and a complete family picture is at the cemetery!! This would probably make people really uncomfortable if I used this family picture as our Christmas Card picture, but, this is my "new normal" life--like it or not.
((Hugs))
:`) Shauna :`(
:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)
12 Thoughts Before Christmas: Day 1-Dec. 24
Day 1-Dec. 24:
There is a purpose for every life. God's purpose is always
holy and righteous. – Clara Hinton
Peace is the ability to
stay calm in spite of the most difficult of circumstances. Only God can give
that kind of perfect peace. – Clara
Hinton
December Angel Babies
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Tossie Adaline's PinWheel
Tossie's Mommy, Kyla, makes beautiful name rock pictures for angel babies. Visit her at Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks
Best Christmas Present!
I just received the best Christmas Present--they are beautiful pictures of Janessa & Hope's names.
I LOVE them!!!
Thank you so much Catherine! :)
12 Thoughts Before Christmas: Day 2-Dec. 23
Day 2-Dec. 23:
Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but
their echoes are truly endless. ~ Mother Teresa
November Angel Babies
Saturday, December 22, 2012
12 Thoughts Before Christmas: Day 3-Dec. 22
Day 3-Dec. 22:
Even in the
midst of the storm, the sun is still there
October Angel Babies
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)