The best thing about today is that Christmas is over and I don't have to endure another one for 364 more days!!! This was my 3rd Christmas without Janessa and my 2nd without Hope. I had high expectations for myself that this was going to be a better Christmas this year and that I was going to be able to handle all my emotions and find joy and peace on Christmas day. I went to bed last night feeling like a total failure because it was NOT a good day yesterday. I think some of my expectations are of going back to how Christmas used to be before 2010 and that will never be again. I have to find a new normal for Christmas now.
I woke up Christmas morning not feeling good physically and emotionally I was a wreck. I was ornery, sad, angry, depressed and disappointed. I had actually done really well emotionally up to late Christmas Eve when I just started crying. I think I had a trigger moment while I was out shoveling snow and looked up and saw one of my neighbors was outside with her 1 year old granddaughter and I guess that triggered all the sadness that I should have a 1 year old too. Then packing all the kids Christmas stockings and placing their presents under the tree knowing that there was nothing to give Janessa and Hope made me sad too. I kind of felt like great another I HATE Christmas day to endure--will this never end--am I doomed to feel rotten for the rest of my life on Christmas? But, this morning as I felt the joy that all the stress of the Christmas season was over for another year, I looked back and realized that I'm not a complete failure this year.
So Christmas day wasn't so great, usually every day leading up to Christmas is like that, and this year I had really good days leading up to Christmas with only an occasional fall apart day. I was able to find ways to make Christmas more endurable for me and not so traumatizing. I was able to go to the cemetery and find joy and peace. I had a really good day Christmas Eve doing things with my family!! I even found the surprise and joy and happiness of opening unexpected gifts from my parents that I haven't felt in the past 3 years. I found true joy seeing that my parents had gifts for Janessa and Hope along with the gifts for my other children. That meant so much to me to have Janessa and Hope remembered!!! I sat down this morning and made a list of all the good things that I liked about Christmas this year and I ended up with 3 pages worth of things.
So yes, I fell apart on Christmas and that day was really hard and wasn't what I had hoped for, but, I'm not a complete failure with the Christmas season this year, because I found more peace, more calm, more joy, and more happiness this year than I have found the past 3 years.
Of course I am still really glad it is over!! :`)
In Memory of my "Precious Angels" JANESSA, HOPE ABIGAIL, JASON NEPHI & RAE ANNE. A place where Angel Children are Loved, Missed, and Remembered. And a place where Mommies and Daddies of Angel Babies and Angel Children can feel safe and not so alone on this grief journey.
Pages
Janessa's PinWheels
Welcome To PinWheels From Heaven
WELCOME TO PINWHEELS FROM HEAVEN. If you would like to have your "Angel" baby's or "Angel" child's name added to my Angel Tree list and Birthday list to be remembered at my annual events please click on the Angel Tree List button found at the top of this page to take you to that page with all the details. These events are for Angel Children only--PLEASE NO fake baby loss mommys.
ANNUAL EVENTS FOR PINWHEELS FROM HEAVEN:
(1) Once your angel baby/child is on my Angel Birthday List
they will be remembered in their birthday month in a special Angel Birthday blog post and picture. They will also be remembered on their special angel b-day on my PinWheels From Heaven Face book page.
(2) Oct. 15th--Wave of Light: Each year on this date I will be creating a PinWheel Healing Field in my front yard using all the angel baby/child's pinwheels and light candles by the pinwheels in remembrance of all of our angels.
Pictures of events 1,2,3,4 will be posted here on this blog and on my face book page.
At PinWheels From Heaven Angel Babies and Angel Children are ALWAYS LOVED, MISSED AND REMEMBERED <3
NOTE: Pinwheel Wait List is currently CLOSED
Be sure to scroll to the end of this page to find links to other Baby Loss Mommies who write Angel Babies Names.ANNUAL EVENTS FOR PINWHEELS FROM HEAVEN:
(1) Once your angel baby/child is on my Angel Birthday List
they will be remembered in their birthday month in a special Angel Birthday blog post and picture. They will also be remembered on their special angel b-day on my PinWheels From Heaven Face book page.
(2) Oct. 15th--Wave of Light: Each year on this date I will be creating a PinWheel Healing Field in my front yard using all the angel baby/child's pinwheels and light candles by the pinwheels in remembrance of all of our angels.
(3) Christmas Angel Tree--For the month of December I will be hanging ornaments with all of your angel baby/children's names written on them on my outside angel tree. On Christmas Eve I will light candles around the Angel Tree in remembrance of all of our angels.
(4) Easter Angel Tree--For Easter I will be hanging plastic Easter eggs with all of the angel baby/children's names written on them on my outside angel tree. I will light candles around the tree on Easter in remembrance of all of our angels.Pictures of events 1,2,3,4 will be posted here on this blog and on my face book page.
At PinWheels From Heaven Angel Babies and Angel Children are ALWAYS LOVED, MISSED AND REMEMBERED <3
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
A Precious Gift--Never Forget Janessa & Hope Abigail
The mention of my daughter's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you really want to show me that you care, let me hear the beautiful music of her name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.
"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died.
What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift."
-Elizabeth Edwards
"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died.
What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift."
-Elizabeth Edwards
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Be Still and Know that I am God
Sometimes God
Calms the Storm . . .
Sometimes He let's the Storm rage
and Calms His Child.
Author Unknown
At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end-no dawn to break the night's darkness. . .We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.
-President Thomas S. Monson
We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
-Joseph Campbell
Calms the Storm . . .
Sometimes He let's the Storm rage
and Calms His Child.
Author Unknown
At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end-no dawn to break the night's darkness. . .We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.
-President Thomas S. Monson
We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
-Joseph Campbell
I'm sorry your Christmas wasn't all you were hoping for... but it sounds like you've made progress over past years <3
ReplyDeleteBTW, I lit candles for your girls on Christmas Eve
(https://www.facebook.com/GabrielSloanFranini/photos_stream)
Wishing you a Hopeful and Happy New Year!