Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Thursday, March 14, 2013
March 14--The Day I Love/The Day I Hate
March 14th is a mixed emotion day for me. It is a day of one of my greatest joys, and also a day of my worst nightmares and one that causes deep regrets.
21 Years ago March 14th is when my husband and I got engaged. He hiked me up a small mountain called Ensign Peak that overlooks the Salt Lake Valley and proposed as the sun rose. It was an awesome day. It was filled with much joy and happiness. It is a day I will never forget and will Love Forever <3
3 Years ago on another March 14 in 2010 it was the day we were to go to the mortuary and dress Janessa in her beautiful burial dress. They were going to have a rocking chair there so I could rock her one last time and hold her and kiss her and say goodbye the way I wanted to as I put her in her tiny coffin surrounded by all the things we wanted buried with her. I so looked forward to that moment. I mentioned before that we bought Janessa's "blessing" dress when I was 6 months pregnant and I took great comfort every time something went wrong in going in and holding that dress and reassuring myself that it would all be worth it when I got to see her in that dress, so I really wanted to see her in that dress even if it was now a burial dress and I would only see her in it in her coffin. But, unfortunately, I never got to see her in that dress.
The mortuary called us and told us that they were unable to embalm Janessa and that she looked worse than when we last saw her at the hospital and that they recommended that we not see her or they were afraid it would traumatize us for life--which I'm sure it probably would have. They told us to just bring the dress up and they would dress her and put her in the coffin for us. I was devastated. I was so sad and so angry that I wouldn't be able to see Janessa one last time. I felt like it was so unfair that my baby had already been taken away from me, why, couldn't I be allowed this small thing to see her and hold her and hug her and kiss her one last time. That time was ripped away from me too. I tried to rationalize that it would all be okay and that it would be better for me not to see her. I tried to be okay with our mortician, Shaina, dressing my baby and rocking my baby and hugging my baby for me. I am grateful that Shaina stepped in and took my place. But, I hate myself for not being brave enough to see my baby. I hate myself for letting someone else dress my baby and put her in her coffin. I hate that a stranger did what me her mother should have done. I hate that the last people to hold my baby and see my baby were strangers. What kind of mother am I to do that to my baby?
Because I never saw Janessa in her coffin, I have had a really hard time finding closure. Sometimes I think to myself that she is still alive somewhere with that last nurse that I saw carrying her away, even though I know in my heart that isn't true. I will hate this day forever because of that. I will regret my choice of not seeing Janessa one last time for the rest of my life.
So this day, March 14, holds very different emotional memories for me. I don't know how to feel on this day anymore--maybe Sadappy? :`/
21 Years ago March 14th is when my husband and I got engaged. He hiked me up a small mountain called Ensign Peak that overlooks the Salt Lake Valley and proposed as the sun rose. It was an awesome day. It was filled with much joy and happiness. It is a day I will never forget and will Love Forever <3
This is a picture we took last year at the top of Ensign Peak as we released a balloon in memory of Hope's 1st Angel Birthday.
3 Years ago on another March 14 in 2010 it was the day we were to go to the mortuary and dress Janessa in her beautiful burial dress. They were going to have a rocking chair there so I could rock her one last time and hold her and kiss her and say goodbye the way I wanted to as I put her in her tiny coffin surrounded by all the things we wanted buried with her. I so looked forward to that moment. I mentioned before that we bought Janessa's "blessing" dress when I was 6 months pregnant and I took great comfort every time something went wrong in going in and holding that dress and reassuring myself that it would all be worth it when I got to see her in that dress, so I really wanted to see her in that dress even if it was now a burial dress and I would only see her in it in her coffin. But, unfortunately, I never got to see her in that dress.
7 of my kid's blessing outfits--Janessa's is the one in front.
The mortuary called us and told us that they were unable to embalm Janessa and that she looked worse than when we last saw her at the hospital and that they recommended that we not see her or they were afraid it would traumatize us for life--which I'm sure it probably would have. They told us to just bring the dress up and they would dress her and put her in the coffin for us. I was devastated. I was so sad and so angry that I wouldn't be able to see Janessa one last time. I felt like it was so unfair that my baby had already been taken away from me, why, couldn't I be allowed this small thing to see her and hold her and hug her and kiss her one last time. That time was ripped away from me too. I tried to rationalize that it would all be okay and that it would be better for me not to see her. I tried to be okay with our mortician, Shaina, dressing my baby and rocking my baby and hugging my baby for me. I am grateful that Shaina stepped in and took my place. But, I hate myself for not being brave enough to see my baby. I hate myself for letting someone else dress my baby and put her in her coffin. I hate that a stranger did what me her mother should have done. I hate that the last people to hold my baby and see my baby were strangers. What kind of mother am I to do that to my baby?
Because I never saw Janessa in her coffin, I have had a really hard time finding closure. Sometimes I think to myself that she is still alive somewhere with that last nurse that I saw carrying her away, even though I know in my heart that isn't true. I will hate this day forever because of that. I will regret my choice of not seeing Janessa one last time for the rest of my life.
Janessa's Burial Dress
So this day, March 14, holds very different emotional memories for me. I don't know how to feel on this day anymore--maybe Sadappy? :`/
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
Janessa's Name
Thank You to everyone who wrote Janessa's Name and wrote a message on her memorial website.
<3 <3 <3
A Balloon Released For Janessa
Gale at http://fittsiesangelbabybirthdayballoons.blogspot.com/2013/02/fittsies-angel-birthday-balloons-march.html sent me pictures of a beautiful balloon she created for Janessa and released in memory of Janessa on her angel birthday. This meant so much to me! Thank you Gale <3
If you would like to have a balloon released in memory of your angel child please visit Gale's blogs at Fittsies Angel Birthday Balloons or Fittsie's Angels Gale does this in honor and remembrance of her 2 precious angel babies James Collins, Jr. <3 and Reita Gale <3 What a beautiful way to honor your angel babies!
If you would like to have a balloon released in memory of your angel child please visit Gale's blogs at Fittsies Angel Birthday Balloons or Fittsie's Angels Gale does this in honor and remembrance of her 2 precious angel babies James Collins, Jr. <3 and Reita Gale <3 What a beautiful way to honor your angel babies!
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Janessa's Angel Birthday
March 9th, 9:08 p.m.
:`( Remembering you Janessa and the first time we said Hello and Goodbye :`)
Janessa's 3rd Angel Birthday Video
This is a video we created in remembrance of Janessa and the events of this past year leading up to her 3rd Angel Birthday.
Happy 3rd Angel Birthday Janessa!
Happy 3rd Angel Birthday
My Precious Angel
Janessa!
I can't believe that I have survived 3 years without you. There are a lot of hard/peaceful memories for me today: 11:30 a.m. being told that your little heart was not beating just about broke my own heart. 1 p.m. - 9:08 p.m. 8 very long, quiet and sad hours waiting for you to be born--still hoping that they were wrong and that you would miraculously be born alive. 6:30 p.m. watching the rain come pouring down outside our window, only to see it stop briefly and for a bit of sunshine to peek through the clouds and form a double rainbow right outside our window--a sign from you and Heavenly Father that you were aware of our pain and sorrow and that you loved us. 9:00 p.m. having the epidural ware off and feeling intense horrible labor pains that caused me to burst into sobs because of the intense pain and heartbreaking sorrow knowing that you were gone. 9:08 p.m. having my doctor place your beautiful body on my stomach and getting to see and hold an Angel!
I Love You!
I Miss you 3 times as much now!
Love, Mommy
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