21 Years ago March 14th is when my husband and I got engaged. He hiked me up a small mountain called Ensign Peak that overlooks the Salt Lake Valley and proposed as the sun rose. It was an awesome day. It was filled with much joy and happiness. It is a day I will never forget and will Love Forever <3
This is a picture we took last year at the top of Ensign Peak as we released a balloon in memory of Hope's 1st Angel Birthday.
3 Years ago on another March 14 in 2010 it was the day we were to go to the mortuary and dress Janessa in her beautiful burial dress. They were going to have a rocking chair there so I could rock her one last time and hold her and kiss her and say goodbye the way I wanted to as I put her in her tiny coffin surrounded by all the things we wanted buried with her. I so looked forward to that moment. I mentioned before that we bought Janessa's "blessing" dress when I was 6 months pregnant and I took great comfort every time something went wrong in going in and holding that dress and reassuring myself that it would all be worth it when I got to see her in that dress, so I really wanted to see her in that dress even if it was now a burial dress and I would only see her in it in her coffin. But, unfortunately, I never got to see her in that dress.
7 of my kid's blessing outfits--Janessa's is the one in front.
The mortuary called us and told us that they were unable to embalm Janessa and that she looked worse than when we last saw her at the hospital and that they recommended that we not see her or they were afraid it would traumatize us for life--which I'm sure it probably would have. They told us to just bring the dress up and they would dress her and put her in the coffin for us. I was devastated. I was so sad and so angry that I wouldn't be able to see Janessa one last time. I felt like it was so unfair that my baby had already been taken away from me, why, couldn't I be allowed this small thing to see her and hold her and hug her and kiss her one last time. That time was ripped away from me too. I tried to rationalize that it would all be okay and that it would be better for me not to see her. I tried to be okay with our mortician, Shaina, dressing my baby and rocking my baby and hugging my baby for me. I am grateful that Shaina stepped in and took my place. But, I hate myself for not being brave enough to see my baby. I hate myself for letting someone else dress my baby and put her in her coffin. I hate that a stranger did what me her mother should have done. I hate that the last people to hold my baby and see my baby were strangers. What kind of mother am I to do that to my baby?
Because I never saw Janessa in her coffin, I have had a really hard time finding closure. Sometimes I think to myself that she is still alive somewhere with that last nurse that I saw carrying her away, even though I know in my heart that isn't true. I will hate this day forever because of that. I will regret my choice of not seeing Janessa one last time for the rest of my life.
Janessa's Burial Dress
So this day, March 14, holds very different emotional memories for me. I don't know how to feel on this day anymore--maybe Sadappy? :`/
Shauna,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry. That must be hard. I have a lot of things I wished I had done. I did go, but I couldn't dress him. CJ did with the help of the staff. I sat back and tried to keep calm. I hardly held him. It was really different than when he was at the hospital. Maybe it helped for closure, but I was told to make sure I held him and I actually think it was harder to hold him after he had been prepared for burial. Janessa understands. She loves you for all that you endured to bring her here. I know it's hard to forgive yourself for not doing certain things, but we have such a short time to fit in all those moments...it is impossible to get it all right...because nothing about burying your baby is all right.
Hugs!!!
Christy