Happy Angel Birthday
Emilee!
<3 <3 <3
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Monday, March 23, 2015
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Alister's Angel Birthday March 19th
Happy 7th Angel Birthday
Alister John Mykeal Charles!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
March 17th
I've been keeping copies of my monthly Lilypie tickers that I made for Rae Anne that were at first counting down to her due date and then changed to counting down to her 1st angel birthday. Today as I was making a copy of the 6 days to her angel birthday ticker I looked at the top of this word document and saw my second ticker that I had copied. It was for March 17th, 2014--the day I took my 3rd positive pregnancy test--5 weeks pregnant--245 days to go. It makes me sad to realize that that was my last ticker that I copied over from when I was pregnant with Rae Anne--the next one is on March 23rd, 2014 when I miscarried her. It is the only day I got to take weekly pregnancy pictures on.
Last year on this date I was full of hopes and dreams and praying and wishing for lots of time with Rae Anne--NEVER wanted to come around a year from then counting down 6 days until her 1st angel b-day. Only 6 more days from this point that I got with my precious Rae Anne--such a short time--so unfair. :`(
Last year on this date I was full of hopes and dreams and praying and wishing for lots of time with Rae Anne--NEVER wanted to come around a year from then counting down 6 days until her 1st angel b-day. Only 6 more days from this point that I got with my precious Rae Anne--such a short time--so unfair. :`(
Pictures from Last Year on this date in 2014
Last Years Ticker on this date in 2014
This Years Ticker--2015
Remembering Rae Anne 6 Days before her 1st Angel Birthday
Today I begin my 6 days before Rae Anne's 1st Angel Birthday in remembrance of those 6 short precious weeks that we had together.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Saying Goodbye for the last time at the Cemetery
I finally attempted to go to all of church today--bad idea! I have a hard time going to church in March because of some things that happened there after Janessa died and I have a lot of triggers. I knew it would be hard today because today March 15th is the day we had Janessa's graveside service, the day we said goodbye to our precious little baby girl for the last time--I tried not to think about it. But then in primary they had to sing that song--My Heavenly Father Loves Me--I never recognize it by its title but the minute the music starts it takes me back to the cemetery sitting in front of Janessa's little pink coffin.
Inwardly I screamed NOT that song today--I can't handle it today. I jumped up from my chair and ran to hide and cry in the bathroom. But it was too late just those first few notes was enough to bring back all those memories. Those memories of seeing that little pink coffin for the first time in the hearse and reality setting in that I was at the cemetery to bury my baby!! The memory of watching Roland carry that little casket to the grave and gently setting it down on the ground. The memory of hearing people speak and then listening to songs we had put together and played. At the time I wanted all these little primary songs that Janessa would never get to grow up with and hear. The other songs we chose don't bother me, but, that song does. I know it is wrong to hate a song, but I HATE that song. I hate what it represents to me--the death of my baby. That horrible experience of having to say goodbye to my baby and leave her in the cemetery to be buried in the ground. Images that just haunt me every time I hear that song. I had a hard time pulling myself back together so I could go back to primary and teach my lesson.
Now the hard trigger days are over for Janessa, but, now I get to relive my last days with Rae Anne. Next Sunday is the day of the week when I miscarried her all alone while everyone was at church. I just can't go to church next week--that memory is too hard. I'm struggling with what to do to honor and remember Rae Anne--I just want to yell and scream and throw things--I want to stop March 23rd from coming at all--I'm so tired of enduring 1st Angel Birthdays--I want to celebrate a real 1st birthday with my alive baby. I wish March was over with.
Inwardly I screamed NOT that song today--I can't handle it today. I jumped up from my chair and ran to hide and cry in the bathroom. But it was too late just those first few notes was enough to bring back all those memories. Those memories of seeing that little pink coffin for the first time in the hearse and reality setting in that I was at the cemetery to bury my baby!! The memory of watching Roland carry that little casket to the grave and gently setting it down on the ground. The memory of hearing people speak and then listening to songs we had put together and played. At the time I wanted all these little primary songs that Janessa would never get to grow up with and hear. The other songs we chose don't bother me, but, that song does. I know it is wrong to hate a song, but I HATE that song. I hate what it represents to me--the death of my baby. That horrible experience of having to say goodbye to my baby and leave her in the cemetery to be buried in the ground. Images that just haunt me every time I hear that song. I had a hard time pulling myself back together so I could go back to primary and teach my lesson.
Now the hard trigger days are over for Janessa, but, now I get to relive my last days with Rae Anne. Next Sunday is the day of the week when I miscarried her all alone while everyone was at church. I just can't go to church next week--that memory is too hard. I'm struggling with what to do to honor and remember Rae Anne--I just want to yell and scream and throw things--I want to stop March 23rd from coming at all--I'm so tired of enduring 1st Angel Birthdays--I want to celebrate a real 1st birthday with my alive baby. I wish March was over with.
Lane Edward's Angel Birthday March 15th
Happy 8th Angel Birthday
Lane Edward!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
The 2015 Easter Angel Tree
The 2015 Easter Angel Tree. Each year this tree gets more and more beautiful! This year there are over 450 Easter Eggs representing more than 450 Angel Children. On Easter Sunday I will put candles under this tree to represent all of our angel children. <3
Last Year--March 13th
Last year on this date I took a surprise pregnancy test thinking that my period was just late. I was shocked to see the word pregnant. I took another pregnancy test on March 17th because I couldn't believe it. It had only been 5 months since I miscarried Jason and to get 2 positive pregnancy tests in that short amount of time was amazing to me. I didn't know quite what to think. I was happy that I had been pregnant over Janessa's 4th angel birthday and I was happy to have one more chance to get a rainbow baby. I was also upset because I should have been at the end of my pregnancy with Jason and I didn't want to start all over again with morning sickness--it was a really confusing, emotional time for me still grieving Jason and his due date coming up. I was scared because I did not want to miscarry again, but I was also hopeful that maybe this baby was my little miracle to help me through all the hard dates of Jason's due date and Hope's angel birthday and then Jason's 1st angel birthday and the due date was in November so I was excited that this baby would be my little holiday miracle. I started calling her my Lil' Rae of Hope.
Loosing Rae Anne has made the month of March so much harder to endure. Now as we come to end of the memory days with Janessa, I begin my grief and memory days with Rae Anne. I decided that since today has significant meaning to me and as part of honoring Rae Anne that I would spend the day hanging all of the Angel Easter Eggs onto the Easter Angel Tree.
It all seemed like such a good sign and I was so excited. Unfortunately, those were now my last positive pregnancy tests and the end of my rainbow hopes and dreams. Rae Anne slipped in and out of our lives so quickly and added yet another Angel Baby to my Memorial Garden. Little did I know that March 13th and March 17th and then March 23rd were to be my last positive pregnancy tests and these would be the conclusion of my pregnancy/child bearing years. It is a hard pill to swallow. It is beyond my coping ability to end these precious years on 4 dead babies and to never be able to find that elusive rainbow peace and healing.
Loosing Rae Anne has made the month of March so much harder to endure. Now as we come to end of the memory days with Janessa, I begin my grief and memory days with Rae Anne. I decided that since today has significant meaning to me and as part of honoring Rae Anne that I would spend the day hanging all of the Angel Easter Eggs onto the Easter Angel Tree.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
The Easter Angel Tree 2015 Part 3
These are the Angel Children's names I have added for this year. These are all the names that are on my Christmas Angel Tree List. I will be hanging the Easter Eggs on the Easter Angel Tree on Friday, March 13th.
These are the newly requested angel names I have received this week.
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