Last year on this date I took a surprise pregnancy test thinking that my period was just late. I was shocked to see the word pregnant. I took another pregnancy test on March 17th because I couldn't believe it. It had only been 5 months since I miscarried Jason and to get 2 positive pregnancy tests in that short amount of time was amazing to me. I didn't know quite what to think. I was happy that I had been pregnant over Janessa's 4th angel birthday and I was happy to have one more chance to get a rainbow baby. I was also upset because I should have been at the end of my pregnancy with Jason and I didn't want to start all over again with morning sickness--it was a really confusing, emotional time for me still grieving Jason and his due date coming up. I was scared because I did not want to miscarry again, but I was also hopeful that maybe this baby was my little miracle to help me through all the hard dates of Jason's due date and Hope's angel birthday and then Jason's 1st angel birthday and the due date was in November so I was excited that this baby would be my little holiday miracle. I started calling her my Lil' Rae of Hope.
It all seemed like such a good sign and I was so excited. Unfortunately, those were now my last positive pregnancy tests and the end of my rainbow hopes and dreams. Rae Anne slipped in and out of our lives so quickly and added yet another Angel Baby to my Memorial Garden. Little did I know that March 13th and March 17th and then March 23rd were to be my last positive pregnancy tests and these would be the conclusion of my pregnancy/child bearing years. It is a hard pill to swallow. It is beyond my coping ability to end these precious years on 4 dead babies and to never be able to find that elusive rainbow peace and healing.
Loosing Rae Anne has made the month of March so much harder to endure. Now as we come to end of the memory days with Janessa, I begin my grief and memory days with Rae Anne. I decided that since today has significant meaning to me and as part of honoring Rae Anne that I would spend the day hanging all of the Angel Easter Eggs onto the Easter Angel Tree.
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