Uplifting Thoughts and Quotes

Daddy's Birthday Rainbow

Went outside yesterday and saw this beautiful rainbow--my husband is so lucky--Janessa seems to always send him a birthday rainbow in August--I think she is playing favorites!!! :) I'm gonna pretend it is my birthday rainbow too.

Was really sad to see that Janessa's pinwheel has been totally destroyed by the strong winds and the hot summer heat we have had--good thing I have a spare pinwheel. :`(

A Small Miracle

I've had a really lousy emotional week so far so I escaped to the temple today to find some peace.  I'm really missing my angel babies--I wish there was visiting hours in Heaven or that you could get texts or emails.  Another reason I escaped to the temple today was I had a small miracle occur this morning and I guess I just wanted a way to say Thank You to Heavenly Father.

I've been trying to prepare my primary lesson this week on The 2000 Warriors which is about 2000 very faithful young men who went to war believing and trusting the words that their mothers taught them that if they trusted in God he would help them and protect them.  In every battle that these young men fought none of them died, they were all miraculously spared. https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/53?lang=eng 

As I was thinking about this and wondering how does this relate to us today--how does God help us, I was getting breakfast ready.  I reached up to put a knife away in a cupboard way above my head and somehow knocked over the container that I keep all my knives in.  I remember having this feeling I should look down and cover my face with my hands, which I did.  All of those knives fell in front of me, to the side of me, and in back of me, but, not one of them hit me or cut me.  It was actually really scary to experience this and when it was over and I stood among all these knives I guess it hit me that God still miraculously spares us in our lives too.  This may sound kind of corny or insignificant, but, to me it was a miracle.

I didn't realize it when I took this picture but there is a tiny airplane in the sky on the left side of the temple (a hug from heaven from Jason <3)

August Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of August!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

For the Friends we haven't met yet <3

Hope and Peace

I've had the chance to watch the most amazing sunrises the past couple of mornings, but, this mornings took my breath away. I love how some of the pictures turned out of a path leading to the sunrise. Kind of represents peace and hope and the pathway I am on traveling through this life to get back to Heaven and my precious angel babies.

Common Ground

My nephew left on his mission yesterday and my friends son left today--a sadappy day. May God protect you and keep you safe Colby and Brady and bless you with courage and strength and bless your family with strength and peace until we see you again in 2018.

My heart is breaking for my sister and my friend who are both sending their sons on missions this week. I can relate to what it feels like to be separated from a child and it hurts and it is hard!

Thank goodness their separations will only be temporary and they will still be able to communicate with their sons. I would give anything to get a weekly email from Heaven from Janessa. I would give anything to have her separation only last 2 years, but, her mission is different and some days I am okay with that, but, other days I am NOT. Nonetheless being separated from your child as a mother for whatever reason is difficult and a bond I can now share and have something in common with my sister and friend.

Paper Boats

Family activity yesterday--making a paper boat and seeing whose little person and animal wouldn't sink. We were all given the same materials and had to construct a boat using them and had to have a flag and a name. They all floated really well, then we added a little fan and they all sailed really good, then we added waves and that is when the capsizing began except for my duct tape SS Garbage which survived them all!!! :)

My missing 2 year old

Yesterday at church I watched as a cute little 2 year old boy in front of us played peek a boo with my 18 year old son.  It was adorable as my son acted surprised each time the little boy looked at him over the chair and then through the middle of the chair and then giggled and smiled at my son's reactions.  I think my son was having a good time too.  It was fun to watch, but, also heartbreaking too.  If Jason had lived that would have been my son interacting with his little brother.  Even though they would have been 16 years apart in age they would have been the best of pals and my son would finally had gotten the little brother that he so desperately wanted.  It is moments like these that make me want to weep and scream in frustration--WHY did Jason have to die too???????????????  These are moments in our family that can NEVER be repeated or replayed and will NEVER happen again and it all just really SUCKS!!!!!!  Life is unfair!!!!!

Summer Sunrise and Walk

Beautiful sunrise this morning as we took an early morning walk at 6:30 am to beat the heat of 101 later this afternoon.  :)

The first of Janessa's Blackberries

Got to see a beautiful sunrise this morning and I was happy to see that Janessa's blackberries are finally starting to turn ripe. We planted this blackberry bush 1 week before Janessa died. It struggled for about 2 years to do anything and I basically thought I had killed it because I just forgot about it in all my grief. For the past 4 years it has gained strength and now produces lots of yummy sweet blackberries. So happy to have such a sweet reminder of my precious little Janessa every summer. :`)

3 Months to Jason's 3rd Angel Birthday

I didn't even realize it was the 10th this morning or the significance of today until I received a text message and saw the date July 10th and it just kind of hit me.

Today it is exactly 3 Months to Jason's 3rd angel birthday.

Today it is 12 weeks to Jason's Angel Birthday.  This week begins the very short 12 weeks that we had together.

I looked at his ultrasound picture where I got to see his heart beating for the very first time and all the hopes and dreams that I had for that moment just came flooding back in.  I think for the most part I hide all those emotions deep within my heart because it is all so very overwhelming to even think about him.  To think about the joy and hope I had that he would be my alive rainbow baby.  To think about how I should have a 2 year old running around getting into things and happily playing with all the boy toys in our house that have been collecting dust for so many years.  I ache to be reading him all the little car and construction books and playing blocks and in the sand pile playing with all the dump trucks and front loaders and bulldozers.  All I hold now are empty blankets and empty arms and empty memories and even thinking about all of that is just so overwhelmingly heartbreaking that I shove it all back into the protected place in my broken heart only to escape on days like today when even my heart can't contain all the emotion and feelings.

Having a miscarriage or stillborn baby or SIDS baby or loosing a child at any age to any reason is so very hard.  Trigger memory days just take your breath away and make it hard to function.  I have to grasp on to any good moment and hang on realizing that these hard feelings won't last forever and that tomorrow the sun will come out again, I just gotta hang on til tomorrow.

A Glow Stick Heart

A glow stick heart for all our Angel Children

We Love You...We Miss You...We Remember You

<3 <3 <3 <3

A glow stick heart for my angel babies Janessa, Hope, 

Jason, and Rae Anne

Even my cat got in with the festivities