Rae Anne's EDD

Missing you today my little Rae Anne on your EDD, what should be your official 2nd b-day. I still remember how excited I was when I saw that your due date was going to be before the holidays. You would have been my perfect present, my rainbow healing to help me through all the hardness of the holidays. My first baby was born in November and I was excited that my last baby would be born in November too--a perfect beginning and ending to my pregnancy years, a beautiful dream that never materialized as you were torn away from me in March instead. Love you. Miss You. You are "Owl" ways in my heart. <3

:`(

 

New Angel Hats for the 2016 Christmas Angel Tree

These are the 51 new Christmas Angel Hats for the Angel Tree that I am adding to the over 340 hats from last year.  I only took pictures of the new hats so here is a link to the previous posts of the other angel hats from previous years:  Angel Hats

I will be putting all the Christmas Angel Hats onto the Angel Tree next Thursday Nov. 17th on my little Rae Anne's EDD.

As One Journey Ends, Another Begins

Okay, I've had my meltdown and had a chance to work through some of the initial shock, sadness and anger to find some good in this situation with loosing the little girl Sohani that I was sponsoring through World Vision.  I guess I first started sponsoring her after I had my first miscarriage with Hope Abigail in 2011.  Sponsoring Sohani helped me to find some healing from that experience and I guess was a small way to find a little "rainbow baby healing" because I have been unable to have an actual rainbow baby since Janessa died.  I am grateful for that small amount of healing that I have had these past 5 years through my association with Sohani.

Next, as I was evaluating the whole situation, I realized that even though it was a good and healing experience to sponsor her, it also came with some triggering moments and grief as well as sometimes seeing Sohani's pictures and drawings and seeing her grow older was a big reminder to me that my little Janessa was not growing older, was never going to learn to write her name or draw me pictures. So in a way this may be a good time for me to forever remember Sohani in her last picture as a 6 year old little girl like how I view Janessa as a little forever 5/6 year old in Heaven.

Finally, I wrote my goodbye to Sohani on my blog as a way to get that final goodbye, and I would add here that her little life has touched mine for good and I will always be grateful for that. As I was pondering what to do now and in the initial anger I just wanted to not sponsor again and I was ready to cancel my association with World Vision.  Then I saw the graphic on the email they sent which said "As one journey ends, another begins" and that touched my heart and I remembered all the happiness it brought me to sponsor Sohani so I decided to look for another child to sponsor.

This time I decided to look differently and not get a child with Janessa's b-day or around her age to help so I wouldn't have those same triggers.  I found a 12 year old girl in Africa that has been waiting for over 2 years for a sponsor and when I watched her video and saw her little smile it touched my heart and I knew that was the girl I needed to sponsor next. I actually lost the page I had found her on and no matter how hard I tried to search I couldn't find her so when I called World Vision they searched and searched and were finally able to locate the little girl I had found which in itself was a miracle and a good sign to me.  I now welcome Precious into my life and I look forward to getting to know her.  I will still mourn the loss of my relationship with Sohani, but, I will treasure the memories of her and look forward to the memories to be made with Precious.

It truly is a new journey and I look forward to it! :)

Goodbye Sohani

Got more sad news today--this year seems to be the year of change. I have no obgyn, no doctor, and no dentist because they all retired and now I got notification that the little girl we've been sponsoring in India through World Vision is no longer eligible for sponsoring because her family is able to take care of themselves now. That is a good thing and I'm happy for them, but, all my ties with her have been instantly cut off.

I picked this other little girl because she was born the same day as Janessa. It has been a way for me to have Janessa back through the pictures this other little girl has drawn for me. I have received yearly reports and pictures and have gotten to see her grow from a 2 year old to a 6 year old and it has been so healing to me. On Janessa's b-day which is also this little girls b-day I have been able to send her a b-day email and a gift which has given me a way to somehow make up for the fact that I can't give Janessa b-day gifts. Now I will receive no more pictures or letters and I have no more contact with her and I feel as if I've loss Janessa all over again. I was so excited because she was getting older and I was looking forward to receiving actual letters written from her and now I won't get that either. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye, just like Janessa.

This is so dumb to be crying and be upset about this, but, unfortunately it's a trigger for me like everything else seems to be. I have a Christmas stocking for her and her picture is on my fridge with my other kids pictures and I have a little teddy bear representing her up with all the other teddy bears that represent every member of our family. This is so hard. Another person I've grown to love and care about taken from my life and I guess this is the last thing I can handle this year so hello melt down here I come :`(

Goodbye Sohani--May God watch over you and protect you throughout your life.  I hope my emails and letters and pictures I sent will bring your comfort throughout your life so that you will know that you are loved and you are precious.  You will always be an honary part of our family <3  I hope one day we will meet in person either in this life or the next.

Love, your sponsor Shauna

November Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of November!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Remembering my Angel Babies

Thinking of You and Remembering you today my precious angel babies,

Janessa

Hope Abigail

Jason

and Rae Anne

Decorating Janessa's Grave Halloween

Went cemetery visiting this morning.  First stopped by to visit my husbands Uncle Del's grave.  It has been a year now since He passed away.  We still miss him alot.  It was nice to see that his gravestone had been put in now and I was surprised to see the pinwheels we had left on memorial day was still on his grave.

Then it was on to see Janessa.  When we first got there we found her grave completely covered in leaves.  It was actually comforting to see those leaves like a big comfy blanket God had put over her grave to protect her.  I still had roses and flowers from my Grandpa's flower bush blooming in my yard so I grabbed those to put on Janessa's grave so the pink and orange look a little funny together, but, I just couldn't pass up the chance to put fresh rose petals at the end of October on her grave.  It looked so beautiful to see the entire cemetery covered in leaves and it was so peaceful and calm out there this morning.

I have a real love/hate relationship with that cemetery.  I love going to visit my baby and decorating her grave gives me a way to still mother her and find a little comfort and peace.  But, I hate being out at that cemetery--I wish my baby was home safe with me instead.

Missing you today Janessa, Hope, Jason, & Rae Anne <3 <3 <3 <3