Goodbye 2016!

I'm kind of glad to let 2016 go, it hasn't been as fantastic of a year as I had hoped it would be.  Most of my predictions last year were WRONG!!!  It was a year of awakening for me as I tried harder to incorporate my grief life with my regular life and I saw what a mess our family has become.  Instead of  less stress and weight loss it has been a year of more and more stress and heartbreak from my living children and I have gained more and more weight and had more health problems especially with my feet.  It was a year of loosing people to retirement who have been my familiar rocks through this grief journey--my obgyn of over 18 years and my dentist I have been with for over 20 years.  There was no fun vacation to Disneyland, no change in our financial situation, just a big stress mess that 2016 ends with and unfortunately 2017 will begin with. 

I am glad to let go of this year, it is one year closer to seeing my babies again, but, I'm also sad to see it go because it is also 1 year farther away from them and my memories. 

2017 I hope you are kinder to me and my family.

2 Graduates

2 Retired people--Dr. Llyod--my Obgyn, Dr. Barton Parker--my dentist

2 Yucky choices for President

2 visits to new Light of the World gardens

0 Rainbow Babies, 0 Vacations, 0 Loss Babies, 0 pounds loss

1 Visit to the Loveland Aquarium

1 Free Tickets to see Cavalia, 

1 Ring Fixed, cleaned, and resized

1 Camping Trip to Spruces campground

1 Kitchen Table refinished

1 loss sponsored child Sohani & 1 gained sponsored child Precious

1 visit to Luminosity

1 Temple Trek walked from our house to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple

6+ many, many practice trek walks

  6 living Sunshine Children

6 years I have endured without Janessa and my angel babies, Hope,  Jason, and Rae Anne

Merry Christmas in Heaven

Merry Christmas in Heaven

Janessa,

Hope Abigail,

Jason,

& Rae Anne

We Miss You!

We Remember You!

We Love You!

Decorating Janessa's Grave--Christmas 2016

This is my 7th Christmas decorating Janessa's grave.  That seems like a lot.  7 years I have had to take my baby Christmas presents to her grave.  It is a really hard Christmas tradition that has become normal for our family.  I love being able to mother her by decorating her grave, but, in my heart I long to hold her in my arms, to watch her unwrap presents of barbies and dolls and dress up clothes and to see her eyes light up with the magic of Christmas and to see her curly red hair and contagious smile--that would make my Christmas complete.

We went and decorated Janessa's grave this morning.  It was cold but, not too bad.  We never make our kids go out to the cemetery we always give them a choice because I know it isn't a really fun place to be.

Usually it is just me and Roland that goes, but, around the holidays and Janessa's 1/2 b-day in Sept. when we do our crazy sock picture around her grave we can usually get some of the kids to go with us.  I was thrilled to be able to have 5 of my kids go to the cemetery with us today.

I know it is weird to love family pictures of our feet around Janessa's headstone but these really are some of my favorite family pictures because it is the only way that Janessa can be in these pictures with us.  We all stand in a tight circle and are holding on to each other in order to get everyone's feet in the picture.  It reminds me of Janessa's graveside service when it was over and our family circled around her coffin and held hands and said a prayer--heaven and earth connected in that moment and I love being reminded of that experience. :`)  <3 <3 <3 <3

A little snowman that Janessa's big sister made her <3

I had a confetti heart from Janessa's grave hitch a ride home with me on my book :)

The heart is where Janessa's grave is located

I Love that the cemetery has Christmas decorations now--this giant story book and huge tree covered in Christmas lights--makes me feel a tad bit better that Janessa has Christmas decorations too.

Gratitude Light the World Challenge

Today's light the world challenge is to show gratitude.  The had the following suggestions: offer a prayer of only gratitude, no requests, give a simple gift to your mail carrier, write a thank you card to someone who has positively impacted your life, leave surprise thank you notes all over your house, start a thankful notebook, and vow not to complain for all day--each time you complain, pay a compliment to someone.

So far today I've done the prayer of gratitude, trying hard not to complain--but I think I'm going to be giving out a lot of compliments, and I wrote a little thank you card and attached a bag of chocolates for our mail carrier and he or she wrote me a little note back which was kind of fun.

Last Class with my 2016 Primary Class

Yesterday was my last time teaching my current primary class of 8/9 year olds. They have been a really fun class to teach even with some of their craziness. I've at times been amazed at some of the answers they have given, some of them while they were upside on their chairs or underneath their chairs when I didn't think they were listening at all. I feel like I've learned more from them than they did from me. I have grown to love this class and I will miss them. Goodbye for now Gage, Caden, Skylie, Madison, Bridger, Hailey, Paige, and Luke--thank you for letting me be your teacher this past year. <3  :)

The Primary Presidency gave us the most AWESOME Christmas gift--it was a little notebook with a picture of Christ on it on the outside and filled with little notes from each of our primary kids on the inside. BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER!!!!!!! I will treasure this for the rest of my life. <3

4 Years Later Sandy Hook Elementary

I turned my nativity shelves into remembrance shelves for today as I remember the 20 precious angel children and their teachers whose lives were stolen from them 4 years ago today at Sandy Hook Elementary.

God bless their parents and families with peace this hard day.  God bless all the survivors with peace this hard day.  God bless all of us to be a little bit kinder and to love each other a little bit more today.

😢💔💗

The Little Things

I hate sorting through my youngest living daughters outgrown clothes.  Some are clothes that have been passed down from other siblings and some are newer that she has just outgrown.  Janessa should be getting these hand me downs!!!  It just emphasizes that she is not here.

Makes me sad to see this youngest daughter playing by herself because her older sisters are busy with school and teenage things now--again this shouldn't be!!  She should have her 6 1/2 year old sister here that would love to play with her and drive her crazy.  My 2 older girls each had a buddy, my 2 middle girls each have a buddy, but, my youngest daughters buddy got ripped away and she has no one--it is not fair!

Saw the little boy that was born 2 weeks after Janessa died and he was missing his front tooth and I guess that hit me hard too--I'm missing out on Janessa loosing her baby teeth.  I hate death--it's a lifetime sentence of missing out on all these little things.  :`(

Missing you tonight Janessa <3

Hope in Lights

When I first loss Janessa I made a big J out of lights on my fence as a way to let Janessa know in Heaven that I was missing her and wishing her a Merry Christmas.  When I loss Hope the next year I put a huge J and H to let them both know I was missing them.  I stopped doing that after I loss Jason and Rae Anne because it was just so hard to even feel anything at Christmas.

This year I spelled out the word HOPE in Christmas lights on my fence.  It symbolizes a couple of things.  First it does stand for my angel baby Hope.

Next, each initial in the word Hope represents one of my angel babies--H- -for Hope, O--JasOn, P--for Janessa because we always called her our Precious angel, and E for RaE AnnE.

The last thing that Hope represents is the hope and peace I feel this year that one day I will see my angel babies again.

I thought it was a creative way to send a message to Heaven for all of my angel babies that I am missing them and loving them and remembering them this Christmas.

The Temple Nativity

Got to see the ultimate nativity set at the temple today--Love the snow covered mountains as the backdrop!! Love the feelings of peace in the temple--really needed that today <3