Decorating Janessa's Grave--Christmas 2016

This is my 7th Christmas decorating Janessa's grave.  That seems like a lot.  7 years I have had to take my baby Christmas presents to her grave.  It is a really hard Christmas tradition that has become normal for our family.  I love being able to mother her by decorating her grave, but, in my heart I long to hold her in my arms, to watch her unwrap presents of barbies and dolls and dress up clothes and to see her eyes light up with the magic of Christmas and to see her curly red hair and contagious smile--that would make my Christmas complete.

We went and decorated Janessa's grave this morning.  It was cold but, not too bad.  We never make our kids go out to the cemetery we always give them a choice because I know it isn't a really fun place to be.

Usually it is just me and Roland that goes, but, around the holidays and Janessa's 1/2 b-day in Sept. when we do our crazy sock picture around her grave we can usually get some of the kids to go with us.  I was thrilled to be able to have 5 of my kids go to the cemetery with us today.

I know it is weird to love family pictures of our feet around Janessa's headstone but these really are some of my favorite family pictures because it is the only way that Janessa can be in these pictures with us.  We all stand in a tight circle and are holding on to each other in order to get everyone's feet in the picture.  It reminds me of Janessa's graveside service when it was over and our family circled around her coffin and held hands and said a prayer--heaven and earth connected in that moment and I love being reminded of that experience. :`)  <3 <3 <3 <3

A little snowman that Janessa's big sister made her <3

I had a confetti heart from Janessa's grave hitch a ride home with me on my book :)

The heart is where Janessa's grave is located

I Love that the cemetery has Christmas decorations now--this giant story book and huge tree covered in Christmas lights--makes me feel a tad bit better that Janessa has Christmas decorations too.