November Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of November!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Wave of Light 2019

This year's Wave of Light and Pinwheel Healing Field is very different from the past ones.  Because of construction I was unable to do my normal pinwheel healing field and had to do a scaled down version with the big pinwheels with all the names standing for all of the angel baby pinwheels.  It is hard to not have all of my familiar traditions this year and have everything different, but, I need to just accept things the way they are and make the best of it.  I'll have to just enjoy the pictures from the past pinwheel healing fields to make up for this year.

2019

2018

2017

2016

2015

2014

2013

2012

2011

2010

Crying in Church--again

9 1/2 years later and it still hurts like crazy to see and hear baby blessings at church, especially little girls. I thought I had finally got a handle on baby blessings, but, since we hit the 6 month mark to Janessa's 10th angel b-day old scabs have been ripped open and begun to hurt again. 

I had a major panic attack during the baby blessing, but, managed to stay at church with tears streaming down my face. It's embarrassing and feels a little overwhelming that it still hurts this much. 

I should have known something was up this morning because I woke up happy, calm and peaceful and that doesn't happen a lot on Sundays--last time it happened was the last time I fell apart for a baby blessing. It's like Heavenly Father and Janessa send me extra love in the morning to make up for the torturous pain I am about to endure. 

Missing you a lot today <3 Janessa <3 Wish you were here :`(

Jason's 6th Angel Birthday

Jason's angel b-day has just kind of passed.  Once good thing is my cat who usually ignores me and wants nothing to do with me spent the day sleeping on my bed and then found me when I was feeling sad and jumped up in my lap and let me pet her.  There wasn't really a sunrise because it was too cloudy.  We didn't go to Thanksgiving point because we have no pass this year.  I have no memorial garden to decorate.  It was too cold to do chalk drawings so I drew mine on the unfinished wall in our new addition and my daughter drew in chalk on the cement floor.  I didn't decorate because I felt like I was annoying everyone with my making them remember my miscarriage so everything about today has just been a little blah.  My youngest daughter is the only one who wanted to do things to remember Jason so we did drawings together and played with these flip cars I've had decorating my window.  I just hate today--more than anything it is just a big reminder of hopes and dreams stolen from me and it just makes me angry and sad.  I wish Jason was alive and well and that he was here and that we celebrated his real birthday in April not now.  Or I wish I could walk outside and see candles lit or lights turned to blue in remembrance of him or a text from someone to just say they remembered him or that this was a hard day for me.  Sometimes life is still really cruel even 6 years later.

Jason's 6th Angel Birthday

Happy 6th Angel Birthday

to my Little 

<3 <3 <3 Jason Nephi <3 <3 <3

You are Missed!

Your are Remembered!

You are Loved 4 Ever!

This angel birthday is a little different than the past ones.  We weren't able to afford to keep our annual family pass to Thanksgiving Point so we won't be able to go there and find some peace and calm like we normally do.  The yard is still a big mess from our construction and so my remembrance garden is not back together and still in boxes.  Because of all the delays with the construction, my plans to have the remembrance garden together by your angel b-day had to be scrapped.  That is disappointing too, I've created another remembrance area in my room to try and make up for it.  I'm not sure if the weather will cooperate so I can at least make a giant chalk b-day card, it rained on Janessa's, Hope's, and Rae Anne's angel b-days so I'm not holding much hope.  Everything just feels new and different this year and not being able to do my normal things has me feeling a little down.  No one remembers you now but me.  Everyone will be in their own little worlds and I will just grieve alone.