The Remembrance Trees

I'm not sure how exactly to describe how I am feeling today--very lost, very empty, very depressed.  We have been getting bids from people to remove my 2 remembrance trees because they got damaged in our construction and contracted a disease that caused them to seep a very stinky sap, plus the front trees roots got damaged and all its leaves fell off in Aug. and was at risk for falling over.

These are 70 ft trees that have been growing in our yard for the past 16 years.  We all had kind of an attachment to them.  They provided shade and privacy from our back neighbors which was nice.  In 2011, they stood has silent guards over my remembrance garden that I set up in remembrance of my angel babies.  They held each of their wind chimes and wind spinners.  They were suppose to be my new Angel Trees and a place for me to put my wind chimes, now I have nothing--no where to put anything.  All these changes from our construction have been extremely difficult and this has been another hard one for me.  We were kind of forced into it by the tree removal place that came to just give us an estimate in the middle of a snow blizzard, but, then kind of bullied their way into the back and chopped them down.  We did get a good price, cheaper than the other company we were going to use and we didn't have to worry about having another big crane placed in our yard that would have ruined more grass.  These guys just climbed the trees like monkeys and chopped it apart branch by branch in a blizzard.  They left the mess there overnight and then came back today to clean up and leave us with a stump and very empty area--matches how my heart feels like right now.  I'm glad to have it over with and not have to worry about it all winter, but, it was too soon!  I did NOT like being bullied into removing these trees before I was ready.  I can't handle sudden changes--it freaks me out because that's what Janessa's death was--a sudden change.  This is all very triggering for me.  I hate it.

Eventually I'll get use to this change too and figure out a new use for this area, but, for now I weep for my two remembrance trees.  :`(

BEFORE

AFTER

Thanksgiving 2019

Finally got a chance to go visit Janessa and decorate her grave for Thanksgiving.  I wish I could receive weekly updates via text, email, or face time, from Heaven so I could see her--10 years is a long time to be apart with no contact at all. :`(

10 years since the Ultrasound

I've had a rough couple of weeks dealing with depression.  I'm finding it extremely difficult to endure the 10 year mark of all the little things.  Today marks 10 years since we first saw Janessa on an ultrasound screen.  Little did I know back then that would be the only place I would see her alive and moving.

After we found out we were having another girl, we went to a store and bought this beautiful blessing gown.  It was kind of early because I was only 4 months along, but, in hindsight I am so grateful that I had it.  Janessa's pregnancy was really hard on me and I would go into my closet and hug this blessing gown and just tell myself it was going to be okay and everything would be worth it when she was born and I got to see her in this gown.  Unfortunately this gown became her burial gown 5 months later.  I am grateful that I already had it, but, I wish I would have brought it with me up to the hospital and put her in it, because it still really hurts that I never got to see her in this gown.  :`(

Christmas Angel Tree 2019

I usually try to put the Christmas Angel Tree up around Rae Anne's EDD on Nov. 17th.  This year has been a little different.  We added a MIL apartment onto the back of our house this year. I didn't anticipate all the changes that would mean for my backyard. I think I thought the equipment would come in smash the grass down a little and then when they left my yard would just somehow magically all come back together.

REALITY: My yard was destroyed! My grass is gone in the back, on the side yard, and a big portion of the front yard. The equipment ran into and bumped and destroyed and hurt a lot of my trees. The trees where my remembrance garden used to be and where I was going to hang my Angel Tree items got damaged in their roots and now has a disease where it leaks stinky sap and is at risk for falling over so we have to pay a fortune to have them removed early next year--ugh more construction vehicles and fun :(

The tree I am the most sad about is my angel tree that I have been hanging the little knit Angel Christmas Hats on and the Easter Angel Eggs on. That tree got damaged--most of the lower branches that I could reach got ripped off. We are hoping it will recover. Unfortunately the addition took away most of my back windows and the one window I can look outside into the backyard the addition blocks my view of the angel tree. So, because of that and not being able to reach most of the branches now, I have decided to end the Angel Tree tradition and for now start the Angel Fence. I'm still really sad about not having my Angel Tree anymore, but, the Angel Fence looks okay and I'm hoping once it is lit up by Christmas lights it will look alright.

So here is the new Christmas Angel Fence with all the Angel Hats for 2019