Same Song Second Verse

 This year 2021 was supposed to be better and fix everything that 2020 messed up.  So far we got 5 good days and then everything went to pot!  The country is in an uproar and major division because of a President who refuses to accept defeat and caused a riot.  He has been impeached for a 2nd time 7 days before he is to leave the White House.  Trying to line up covid 19 shots is the big thing for this year but that is turning into a joke as the sites all freeze up and crash--it's beginning to look like getting a covid shot is going to be in the way distant future--maybe 2022????  Life feels like is is never going to go back to normal ever again.  It feels like 2011 when I had such Hope after Janessa died that this would be a great year, except, my rainbow baby died 1 week before my big 40th b-day plans and I spent it crying and beginning the grief cycle all over again.  

This year is my 50th birthday and I had grand plans for it, except now covid19 is going to steal all of that away from me too--curse you covid19 I HATE you!!!  So push repeat of 40th b-day!

Every single day this year is a repeat of the exact day of the week of when Janessa died.  It has never happened before in 11 years which I am extremely grateful for.  I thought after 11 years I would be okay with it, but, I'm not!  It might be the pandemic messing with my brain, but, just remembering all the little details about the things leading up to her death is just horrifying reliving them all on the same day again.  We just passed the 2 months before her birthday mark when we went to see The Princess and the Frog Movie and Janessa danced inside me the whole time.  Last night I dreamt I was giving birth again at age 50 and my baby was stillborn again--that was not a pleasant dream.  Ughh, push repeat of 2010!

It's like same song second verse--ughhh!!

I just want my life and the world to be normal again--is that possible anymore????

January Angel Birthdays

 Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of January!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Merry Christmas in Heaven

 Merry Christmas in Heaven 

Janessa, Hope, Jason, & Rae Anne!

You are Loved, Missed, and Remembered!

10 years is too many Christmas' without you, too many decorating your grave at the cemetery, too many missed making candy house memories, opening presents with your siblings memories, just TOO many missed things.  But, there is nothing I can do about that now.  I know you are happy celebrating Christmas in Heaven with your siblings, your Grandpa and Great Grandparents and with Jesus.  I look forward to when I get to spend Christmas in Heaven with you <3

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas at the Cemetery

Went to visit Janessa at the cemetery today.  At least there we don't have to social distance or wear a mask or worry about giving her covid19.  It was really cold.  It still amazes me that we have been decorating her grave for the past 10 years!  I was surprised to find that the cemetery workers had left the crocheted pumpkin, hat, and butterfly and little bear on her grave from Thanksgiving, but, they removed everything else???  Honestly the crocheted stuff was ruined being out in all the yucky weather so I'm not quite sure what their reasoning was to leave it behind, but, oh well, it does bring me comfort that she's had those things with her for the past month.  Wished it been a tiny bit warmer so I could have sat at her grave for a little bit to just think and feel and reflect.

Remembering Sandy Hook Elementary 8 years later

 When someone close to you dies it forever changes you and you feel a bond and instant empathy for others who have gone through similar experiences. We can never feel exactly the same because grief affects each person differently, but, empathy is still there.

Today I remember the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting 8 years ago. Innocent victims taken way too soon. When this tragedy happened I was on my own grief journey of having Janessa die 2 years earlier and miscarried Hope 1 year prior. I mourned with those families and the time with their loved ones that was cruelly stolen from them. Today I pray that God will send each one of those families peace and comfort. I pray that each of the survivors of that horrible event will be blessed with peace as memories of those events haunt them even more today.

It's also hard not to think about this year all the families around the world who are suffering because this pandemic has stolen loved ones from them this year too. I pray God will comfort us all and bless us with peace to get through each day and Hope to know that this life is NOT the end, we will see our loved ones again some day.

December Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of December!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Christmas Angel Wall 2020

Today it is my little Rae Anne's EDD. It has been 6 years since I was so excited for this date, for my little surprise rainbow baby to be born. It was not to be again. She was my 4th angel baby, 3rd miscarried baby. It has now been over 6 years since I was able to get pregnant, she was my last pregnancy, my last hope of ever having a rainbow baby. I always get to this date and notice my empty arms a little bit more--it is hard! I wish things were different. I am grateful that I started a tradition on her angel dates that is just unique to her and helps my grieving heart each year. That tradition is to set up what used to be the Christmas Angel Tree on her EDD and set up the Easter Angel Tree on her Angel B-day in March.

So my friends here is the new Christmas Angel Wall to remember all your Angel Babies this Christmas. Your precious Angel Babies are Loved, Missed, and Remembered this Christmas. 💗💗💗💗

CHRISTMAS ANGEL HAT WALL

November Angel Birthdays

Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of November!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Janessa's Roses

 In 2010 we had a warmer fall so by the end of October I still had roses blooming.  For me it was a tender mercy because it brought me such joy to see those roses in the start of the winter months and during my intense grief as the holidays started up that first year after Janessa died.  I took a picture of one of the roses and named it Janessa's rose.

Janessa's Rose

2010

Ever since then I have either not paid attention or there really has not been roses in my garden in October for the past 10 years.  This year my roses stopped blooming at the end of July and I was surprised in September when they started blooming again.  I was so happy to see 3 roses all together and another yellow rose all blooming in October.  It again was a tender mercy to me for her 10th Angel year especially this year where life has been tipped upside down and gone literally down the toilet.  It was like a gift from Janessa, Hope, Jason, and Rae Anne saying they are here watching over us.

My 2020 Rose Garden in September

Janessa/Hope/Jason/Rae Anne's

Roses

2020

Halloween at the cemetery for the past 10 years

 We went and visited Janessa's grave and decorated for Halloween. I've had fun these past 8 years creating little "costumes" for her headstone. It's given me a way to include her in the holidays and helped me to mother her. The first 2 years I decorated her grave, but, didn't feel comfortable taking pictures of her grave--like it was some horrible thing to do, so I have no pictures of her grave except on her angel birthdays and Christmas.

2011

2013

2014

2015

2016

2017

2018

2019

2020

This year I forgot to bring my phone with me and had to borrow my husbands phone to take pictures. This years costume theme was unicorns and I was delighted to find colorful fake flowers to surround her grave and different colored real rose petals from my roses to put on her headstone. It all looked so colorful and bright and brought me a moment of joy.