Missing My Dad

 Another Fathers Day is coming, my 4th without you.  I hate this day now because it is a big reminder of  the huge hole that is in my heart.  I wish you hadn't been taken to Heaven so soon.  We still need you here.  Mom still needs you.  I still need you  I look at all the little old couples with stooped over bodies and gray hair that are still finding joy together in their adventure on this earth.  I can't help but feel so angry that you and Mom's adventure was cut short.  I can't be you!  I can't provide the same type of life and trips and fun that you and Mom had together!  This is so unfair!  My family is a mess!  I'm trying so hard to cope and help everyone, but, instead I find myself really depressed unable to even function or sometimes even get out of bed.  I don't know how to deal with all of this anymore.  I need you here.  I need you to be taking care of Mom.  I need one of your hugs and one of your father's blessings and counsel and just a listening ear.  There is no one who can take your place.  I need to scream and scream and scream until all my anger and hurt and sadness leaves, but, I'm afraid I would be screaming forever!  Instead I go put flowers on your grave for fathers day while trying not to be jealous of others who can wish their Dad's a real happy fathers day in person.

Sometimes real life really just sucks!

June Angel Birthdays

 Happy Angel Birthday

to All Angel Children celebrating

birthdays in the month of June!

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE MISSED!  

YOU ARE REMEMBERED!

Ughh, Another Memorial Day

I've had a hard time wanting to go the cemetery this week to decorate my Dad's grave or Janessa's grave. Not quite sure why I am so anti-cemetery. Sometimes it still makes me angry that this is the only time some people ever visit the cemetery-so unfair! It makes me not want to visit at this time just because of that, but, I would feel so bad that their headstones would be empty. I see the hastily bought cheap mums that some haven't even bothered to take out of their packaging and just plopped on to the graves with no real effort or thought put into it at all. I have a real dislike of mums especially around this time of the year when hundreds of them are sacrificed to the memorial day mum God!

It did make my day when we got to Janessa's grave and I saw that someone had already left a pinwheel for her. Very few people even remember her anymore so it means the world to me when someone takes the time to remember her <3 Thank you for whoever you are who left the pinwheel for my little angel girl--it brought this mommy of an angel's heart some much needed joy and peace <3

The Squeaky Swing

 You may think that squeaky swing is the most annoying thing ever.  It may grate on you like fingernails on a chalkboard.  You may curse it and wish for it to never squeak again.

Here’s what you don’t see behind the fence of that squeaky swing.  You don’t see parents trying everything to stop it from squeaking—every kind of oil and spray that temporarily last for maybe a day or two or sometimes a week.  You don’t see parents who feel bad for annoying their neighbors and try to stay on top of oiling that squeak but honestly on the list of problems happening in their lives that is way down on the list.  You don’t see a kid who finds joy in swinging to their hearts content.  You don’t see a kid who feels the weight of the world on their shoulders who can go out and swing and for those 20 minutes or so she is out there her world is calm and at peace.  You don’t see parents who find relief in hearing that squeaky swing knowing where that daughter is and that she is trying to cope.  You don’t see the therapy that swinging brings.  You don’t see the joy and tears from a baby loss mom who is grateful there is still someone who swings on it because all her younger children are in Heaven.

All you hear is the annoying squeak behind the fence.  If the biggest problem in your life is an annoying squeaky swing, you have a pretty good life and I envy you.

Hope's 10th Angel Birthday

 

I have had a terrible week leading up to Hope's 10th angel birthday today. Sunday night my cat ended up cutting the inside of her mouth and we had to rush her to an ER Vet at Midnight. I completely freaked out thinking she was going to die. I felt so helpless just like I did 10 years ago as I endured my first miscarriage of Hope. It was NOT a great start to the week. I have had anxiety every night reliving the cat coming into our room choking and gagging and me discovering her covered in blood. The cat has had a miserable week being unable to lick herself or hardly eat because her tongue was so swelled up. I have felt terrible trying everything to help her but again feeling so helpless. I was completely dreading today and reliving all the memories of loosing Hope.

Thankfully, I woke up to a cat who is feeling much better and the most beautiful sunrise. It was very healing and magical to watch the sun come up. I was able to decorate her memorial stone which is something I haven't been able to do in the past couple of years. I was so happy to see that others in my family made chalk drawings remembering Hope. I was a little disappointed that I couldn't find a cookie cake with ladybugs or flowers today at the store because everything is all stupid mothers day crap--(I don't hate being a Mom, but, it is really hard to celebrate that holiday when you had a miscarriage on it!) I was able to find mini yellow cupcakes so I guess that is good enough.

All in all today has gone pretty okay.

                                                

 

Hope Abigail's 10th Angel Birthday

 Happy 10th Angel Birthday

to my little

<3 Hope Abigail <3

You are Wanted, Missed, Remembered, Loved, and Cherished!

10 years ago you were my secret little rainbow of Hope that I found out about after Janessa's 1st Angel Birthday. I was so excited to announce your existence as part of my 40th birthday plans. You were going to be my best birthday present ever! I looked forward to the healing and peace you would bring our family that year in December. Unfortunately you slipped quickly and quietly out of my life after only 10 weeks together, 1 week before my birthday on what was the worst mother's day ever as I experienced my 1st miscarriage. It has been a very long 10 years. I wish we were celebrating your double digit birthday and not the double digit anniversary of your death. 

Missing you a lot today. 

Love, Mommy