Hiding In My Grief Cave--Again

I find myself hiding again in my "grief cave" nursing some hurt feelings and uncertainty and sorrow.  This is not where I expected myself to be this weekend.  I was counting the days to my counseling appointment because it got rescheduled 3 times because of illness so it has been over a month since I have talked to my counselor.  I expected to be able to release these deep personal emotions and then have her help me turn them around and see them differently and that I could finally be able to let go of some of the really hard memories that I relive every February leading up to Janessa's Angel Birthday. 

My counseling session went completely in the opposite direction than I wanted it to.  It took a lot for me to start talking about these very personal feelings of horror and guilt that I have surrounding Janessa's birth and I felt like I started talking and my counselor instantly cut me off.  For her it was an "A ha" moment of realizing that I'm suffering from some intense trauma regarding Janessa and it isn't an area that she has a lot of training in, so she knew another counselor that could help better that she starts talking about--I'm sure in her mind she was doing what she thought was best.  But, I viewed it as I freaked her out just like everyone else who I have talked about these deep personal things to and now she was abandoning me just like everyone else.  It also really freaked me out because I can't handle unexpected things thrown at me because I freeze up remembering the unexpected announcement that Janessa had no heartbeat and that Hope had no heartbeat and I was probably about to miscarry.  My counselor throwing this trauma counselor and trauma treatment at me was definitely an unexpected thing.  I totally misread everything, but, when I left that office I had no desire to ever go back or ever go to counseling again, I flipped back into my I will handle this myself mode even though I know I can't handle this myself.

I felt abandoned, alone, lost and hopeless.  I felt like I am freak in the normal world and in the baby loss mommy world because there must be something wrong with me that the minute I start talking about these personal things I scare people off.  I felt like no one else must have these awful, feelings of horror and guilt.  I felt like there is no rainbow healing for me, no one who could help me, no one who could understand.  Part of me wants to run and hide in my grief cave and never come out again and just pretend to the "real" world that I am just fine while inside I feel awful.  I was so tired of feeling lost, alone, and hopeless.  I cried myself to sleep Thursday night and Friday morning I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day because I couldn't stop crying.  I prayed that morning for help to just be able to make it through the day hour by hour. 

I felt some peace after that and I felt prompted to do 2 things--first when the hard, awful memories came in to remember good memories that went with it.  That seemed strange to me--were there actually good memories mixed in with those horrible images?  As I started to think about it--good memories started to flood in that I had forgotten about, little tiny things that looking back now are definitely Hugs From Heaven. 

The second thing I felt was to look at a magazine called the Ensign that had come on Thursday.  I picked it up and it was full of articles on dealing with grief.  I think the thing that helped the most was a quote on the inside back cover underneath a picture of a person who is standing all alone on this never ending road surrounded by an ocean and dark storm clouds--I could see myself in that picture.  Then the quote, "Where can I Find Hope?  Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better. . . .There is help.  There is happiness. . . Don't you quit.  You keep walking.  You keep trying. . .It will be all right in the end.  Trust God and believe in good things to come . . . Some blessing come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." Jeffrey R. Holland.  This was like a personal hug from Heavenly Father telling me that I was not alone and that it was going to be okay.  These articles were exactly what I needed to give me hope again.

My counselor actually called me on Friday afternoon and we were able to sort through all the misunderstandings.  I guess I still need a little time to hide in my grief cave until I feel safe again, but, at least I know that it will be okay when I feel ready to come out and I am not alone.