Janessa's middle name was suppose to be Julianna after a friend of mine whose on a grief journey of her own, and whose birthday 4/04 was Janessa's due date. When Janessa died I didn't want my friend to feel like everything associated with her dies so I decided to save that name for a future baby--that will never be now.
Want to know why I gave Janessa my name, Shauna, as her middle name--because March 9th, 2010 at 10:30 a.m. when an ultrasound confirmed that my precious little girls heart was no longer beating, a part of me died with her. It might sound harsh, but, every time I went to her grave I wanted to see my name along side hers reminding me that part of me was dead too and lays in the ground in the pink coffin with her.
I haven't been able to sleep the past couple of nights because I toss and turn remembering events surrounding Janessa's death and remembering events surrounding Jason's death both are causing me extreme emotional pain right now.
It is getting so hard the closer we get to the 9th. It hurts so much to know that tomorrow the 7th was the last day my precious baby was alive. Every year I tell myself this is going to get easier, but, every year I find myself hurting just as much. I miss my little Janessa so much today--I hope I can make it through the next 3 days. </3
— Want to know why I gave Janessa my name, Shauna, as her middle name--because March 9th, 2010 at 10:30 a.m. when an ultrasound confirmed that my precious little girls heart was no longer beating, a part of me died with her. It might sound harsh, but, every time I went to her grave I wanted to see my name along side hers reminding me that part of me was dead too and lays in the ground in the pink coffin with her.
I haven't been able to sleep the past couple of nights because I toss and turn remembering events surrounding Janessa's death and remembering events surrounding Jason's death both are causing me extreme emotional pain right now.
It is getting so hard the closer we get to the 9th. It hurts so much to know that tomorrow the 7th was the last day my precious baby was alive. Every year I tell myself this is going to get easier, but, every year I find myself hurting just as much. I miss my little Janessa so much today--I hope I can make it through the next 3 days. </3
feeling sad.
Shauna I am thinking of you at this difficult time. I too thought it would be easier with each birthday...but it somehow isn't. For me it reminds me time is continuing to expand between us and his birth is not recent. You are such a sweet amazing person and I think of you often! I am sorry I haven't been as good at dropping thoughtful notes as you are, but I just want you to know I am thinking of you! I ache for all the heartbreak you have suffered the last few years. I wish I could petition a rainbow baby for you!! <3
ReplyDeleteThinking of you my friend :(
ReplyDeleteShauna, you have my heart with you today & every day. I love the 4 you made for Janessa out of pinwheels & her new pinwheel. I understand the story of her name. Happy heavenly birthday to a precious baby girl. I mailed your card - hope it comes on time. xoxo
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