NOT 36 Weeks

Today I should be 36 weeks pregnant--9 Months--there should be around 30 days left until I had Jason. Today I probably would have been freaking out and just praying that I made it through this week because this is the week that Janessa died in.  At 36 weeks with Janessa I told everyone we just need to make it through this week and then it will be safe to have her--I did NOT make it through 36 weeks.  When I reached 10 weeks in my pregnancy with Jason I was having really hard triggers remembering miscarrying Hope so I went out and decorated Hope's memorial stone and that seemed to help.  I was planning on doing the same for Janessa when we reached 36 weeks--now I don't know what to do.  I miss all of my babies.  I wish things were different and I had all of them with me.  It is hard to live without them.

I decided that I wanted to donate more miscarriage H.O.P.E. bags to my obgyn.  I have been putting the items together so I can take them in next month.  Just looking at these bags makes me sad.  I wish no one had to take one of these home instead of their baby.  I feel bad for the women who will receive these bags because I know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out because of a miscarriage.  I hope these bags help just a little to bring these women a moment of peace.

I did 6 bags this time for the 6 months I did NOT get with Jason.  I donated 3 bags in October for the 3 months I did get with him and for all 3 of my angel babies.  So I guess 3-6 appropriate for what should be 36 weeks.

UPDATE:  I wrote this post a week and a half ago.  I never imagined that today I would have all ready donated these bags and that I would have another angel baby I was grieving at this 36 week mark.  I felt an urgency to put these bags together at the beginning of March I didn't know why because I wasn't planning on donating them until closer to Jason's due date in April.  This past Sunday on March 23rd I miscarried my surprise/miracle baby Rae Anne.  I found myself sitting in my obgyn's office on Monday, March 24th--31 days from Jason's due date holding yet another one of my precious babies in a stupid brown paper sack.  I felt like I should donate these bags then and I did. My Obgyn and his nurse were extremely grateful for them. I think maybe there was someone coming in this week that was going to miscarry and would need one of these H.O.P.E. bags to help get her through it and I was once again God's hands.  I pray these H.O.P.E. bags go to 6 people who will find a little peace from them, because I know only to well the horror and sorrow of miscarrying your precious baby.

I'm a mess of emotions grieving both Jason and Rae Anne.  I guess these 6 bags now represent not only the 6 months I did not get with Jason, but, also the 6 weeks I did get with Rae Anne.  I will write more about her at another time, because it is all too hard right now and all I can do is just get myself through each day with now 4 holes in my heart.