Sadappy

This post today from Silent Grief really hit home today.  I feel happy for my angel babies and I know they are in Heaven and that I will see them again, but, the human side of me screams in pain and sadness and wants them back with me.

Yesterday was hard--I kept wandering around wondering and imagining what it would have felt like to be celebrating Jason's first birthday.  I longed to be making a 1st birthday teddy bear cake and watching him unwrap his first scoot car--something we have given all of our children on their first birthdays.  Instead we ate the foods I craved while I was pregnant with him--meatloaf, potato chips, blue jello salad and orange juice--and watched Planes 2 in remembrance of him.

 

This Tuesday begins the 10 days before Hope Abigail,s 4th Angel Birthday--can't believe we are at another angel birthday.  I'm finding that all mothers day ads are really bothering me this year--I hate seeing them or hearing them because they all remind me of 2011 when my 1st hoped for rainbow baby slipped away from me on what became my worst mothers day ever.  In the baby loss world they have their very own mothers day the 1st week in May--but I don't participate in that either.  May is a very hard month for me reliving my 1st miscarriage and all the events of that mothers day and feeling like such a failure with my angel babies and my living children and then it is my birthday that month too and that is again another reminder that I am way past the age to ever have another rainbow baby.  I really don't need 2 holidays to remind me of my failures--I choose to ignore mothers day and take the day off from everything and spend it in bed sleeping, crying and eating my chocolate.

"Our brains tell us that our child is now in heaven and is living an eternity free from any pain, sadness, or sorrow. Our emotions tell us only one thing: we want our child to be right here with us so that we can walk together, talk together, and spend our time on this earth together. There is a constant tug of war when child loss occurs. Yes, we understand the passage from life to death and then to a heavenly place, but........because our heart aches so much the human side of us struggles every moment of every day wanting our child to be right here beside us! It so very hard to find peace amid the brokenness of child loss! " by Silent Grief

Everyday I struggle with these opposite emotions of sadness and happiness--it is very hard to find balance between the two of them--SADAPPY.