There is still people that are waiting for the
before grief Shauna to reappear. They
want back her fun loving, carefree personality, and all her creativity with
holidays and birthdays. They want all
the old traditions we use to do, all the old ways we use to do just ordinary
things. They want life to just be normal
with no grief involved--to just forget and get over it already.
I feel such pressure to pretend to be her and
that I have never known what it is like to feel loss in my life. Problem is that is NOT me anymore and trying
to pretend to be her causes extreme frustration and stress in my life!!! I can't handle "pretending" to be
her anymore. There is a reason that
Janessa has my name as her middle name because when you see her headstone you
see Janessa Shauna Cox on it as a reminder that when Janessa died a part of me
died with her. That old before grief
Shauna is no more. I would like a chance
to be the new grief journey Shauna that I am now and am still becoming day by
day.
I am different than that old Shauna, I have to be
different and do things different because I view life differently now. I haven't handled things in the past as well
as I would have liked, but, I was doing the best I could trying to cope with
and survive my grief journey. If I could
clone myself I would. I would clone the
perfect Shauna from the past that people obviously want back. She would be the perfect mom, wife, daughter,
sister, friend, neighbor, church member, etc., etc!!!! Then clone Shauna can deal with and handle
all the stresses of life perfectly and not be this emotional volcano that I have
become. Then the real me with all my
imperfections and changes could just escape back to my grief cave to hide and
live as the person I have become and truly am. Unfortunately that is NOT reality!!
Reality is that I am tired of trying to hide
behind this grief mask and pretending to be someone that I am not.
Reality is that old Shauna is NOT coming back, she
is gone, you have to let her go. I'm
sorry that you have loss your old wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend,
neighbor--I get it--I miss her too. I'm
sorry that this fragile, empty-shell me is left to take her place. Even after 6 1/2 years I still cry for my
angel babies. I've had to start
new traditions and get rid of things we've done in the past in order to protect
my heart and be able to somewhat function.
I visit a cemetery on a monthly basis and find peace and joy in
decorating a grave. I have new rituals
on angel b-days and remembrance days and holidays that may seem strange to
others but help me to cope with some of the grief and emptiness of my heart and
arms.
At times I still have panic
attacks and triggers that may appear at random times and places that may scare
you and make you upset and frustrated--I get that--it is at times frustrating
to me too. But, this is the new grief
journey me--the real me--the true me--the only me that is around now. My grief world and my real life world need to
start blending together now--not one instead of the other, but, both hand in
hand together and I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable but it is the only
way that I can successfully handle life now.
Please allow me to just be me and accept me for who I am now, not who I was or who you want me to be
instead. ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM NOW AND
WHO I AM BECOMING.
I wrote this poem years ago when I was going through
some difficult times when I was a teenager, but, it fits really well with what
I am going through today too:
LOOKING
THROUGH YESTERDAY'S WINDOW
You
are always blinded
by what happened yesterday.
You
see me as I was and not how
I am today.
Can't
you see I've changed,
I'm
not the same person that you knew.
The
past is never forgotten
because
it's continually brought forth by you.
Because
you will always see me as the person
of
yesterday, you'll never give me
the
chance to be the person
I
am today.
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