Tuesday the 7th

I find myself a little lost emotionally today. It is Tuesday, the day of the week when Janessa died and it is also the 7th the last day I felt her move and the day we suspect she passed away inside me.

I've tried to watch the sunrise--was a few too many clouds. I've tried to pick a good memory to focus on but my first pick of Shaina our mortician helping us has backfired on me. Instead of remembering the good things around her my mind instantly focused on the memory of sitting in the mortuary while she showed us a book of baby coffins and explained the details and benefits of each one. That was terrible--trust me picking out a coffin for your baby is way different than picking out a crib with cute little features. It made me literally sick to my stomach as she continued to talk and turn pages and I had to stop her because I was freaking out. I just turned to the first page to the first coffin she showed us that was fluffy pink and said we want that one and then closed the book. So that isn't really the warm happy memory I wanted for today.

The next memory that popped up was right after we had talked to our obgyn and he had sent us to go straight to labor and delivery, but, instead Roland and I stopped in a little waiting area just outside their office because we were both overwhelmed and panicking and the first thing we both did was whip out our cell phones and call our parents. He ended up talking to his Dad as the first person he told, and I ended up talking to my Dad because my mom was sick. At first my Dad didn't understand what I was saying as I cried into the phone that I was at the hospital and my baby was dead. He was silent for a few moments. Then said I'm so sorry--it's going to be okay. I guess I had forgotten that my Dad was the first person I talked to after I found out Janessa was dead and I'm so glad that he was the first person to comfort me. It makes me a little emotional today thinking about that and how my Dad is suffering this year, but, it is a good memory for me to focus on to get through today. I also find comfort in the fact that on Janessa's b-day this Thursday, I will be up at the rehab center and my Dad is going to be the first person outside of my immediate family that I will see. He will be the first person I talk to and this time I will be comforting him and helping him on that day and that brings me a little bit of hope, joy, and peace.

I'm starting to get things ready for Janessa's b-day in 2 days. Bought roses and a movie today. I get to enjoy the roses today and then tomorrow I will use them to decorate Janessa's grave.

Had an interesting experience tonight as the UPS man delivered my packages. As I opened the door he was looking at the pinwheels and reading the sign I have on one of the big pinwheels that list our angel babies names. He asked me what the pinwheel display was for. I faced that do I tell him the truth or do I just make him think I'm some sort of pinwheel freak. He looked sincere and like he really wanted to know so I told him about Janessa and how all the pinwheels represented other angel babies. He was sincerely touched and stood there in reverence for a moment because he knew it was a sacred memorial spot.

Left me kind of speechless that the delivery guy cared about our angel babies. <3