On my kindle it pops up pictures every day of things that happened on this day in the past. Todays pictures caused me to weep.
5 years ago today I was 9 weeks pregnant with my angel baby Jason. I went in for my first obgyn appointment and first ultrasound since seeing Janessa's ultrasound of no heartbeat. To say I was terrified was putting it mildly. My obgyn was the same dr who had stood by me with Janessa's death and my 1st miscarriage--he knew how important this was to me and I'm sure he was praying along with me as I quietly said aloud "Please God let there be a heartbeat" The healing I received when my doctor found that heartbeat was indescribable as I burst out in tears of relief, joy, and sorrow. I felt Janessa in that ultrasound room. My doctor said the baby looked good and the heartbeat was strong. I wish I could have heard it and recorded it both visually and audibly It was the best day ever.
Unfortunately, 3 weeks later I miscarried--it was devastating after feeling so much hope that this baby was going to be my take home rainbow baby.
Even after 5 years I still don't think I've processed all my emotion or even allowed myself to feel everything because it just hurts too much. And that is why seeing these photos pop up and remembering this day 5 years ago caused the tears to flow once again.
I miss you Jason. I wish things had gone differently and that you were my rambunctious second son running around playing with trucks and cars and legos. I'm grateful for the small healing and small moment of joy this day brought me 5 years ago, but, I wish it didn't leave me feeling so empty and hurt that hope once again slipped through my fingers.
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