I've been wondering how to deal with all my tangled emotions that are more intense than usual this year because 2021 is duplicating 2010 as the days of the week are exactly the same. The next 2 weeks are full of hard memory days as I relive the last days Janessa lived inside me. It is very hard to cope, because my PTSD has been unfortunately activated again. I asked for ideas on a Share FB group I'm in, and although I got lots of sympathy likes, no one really had any advice. I wish my counselor had not retired a few years ago, because I would definitely be reaching out for help from her. I keep asking myself what would my counselor tell me to do???? I think she would tell me to verbalize my feelings and acknowledge and accept them for what they are. Then she would tell me to do something creative to visually let those feelings go and then go do something to distract myself like read a book or watch a movie or tv show. So this is my plan to get through the next 2 weeks--post or blog about my feelings to acknowledge and accept them. Then crochet a butterfly to represent those emotions and put it on her remembrance stone to set those emotions free, then go watch a tv show or read a book.
Today is the first of those hard memory days Monday, Feb. 22--11 years ago today I had really bad braxton hicks contractions that had me just lying in bed worrying that I was going into labor early. My parents came over to help me with homeschooling my kids and found me like that curled in a ball crying in pain physically and emotionally. They sat by my side and reassured me everything was going to be okay, and then my Dad gave me a priesthood blessing. By the afternoon the contractions had stopped. At the end of the week at my Dr. appt. the dr felt like those contractions were Janessa moving from her breech position into a head down position so I celebrated. After her death I am assuming this was the day she got tangled in her umbilical cord and was slowly dying. I HATE this day now.
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