What IF February 26th 2010

 I am so grateful to be at the end of this week. Reliving memory days actually hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be but mainly because time has softened or almost erased memories from 11 years ago this past week. It is much harder living in the reality I am in today than reliving the memories of the past.

Reality #1 Janessa is dead and I still have 40+ years of reliving her angel birthdays ahead of me before I get to see her again. I still have tons of moments that have been stolen from me regarding her life. I still have to live with my PTSD and all the grief and stress and anxiety and all the other problems my family is facing because of her death!

Reality #2 My Dad is dead. My childhood home is gone. My familiar house and yard is gone. I'm having to be caretaker along with mother and wife and all my roles are very overwhelming.

Reality #3 We are living in a pandemic and some jerk called Child Protective Services on us and now we are "the accused" until proven innocent! I'm afraid to leave my house because of covid19 and I can never leave with my husband because someone has to be here at all times just incase the agent decides to do his "surprise visit"! Everything about this just SUCKS! All my grand plans for my 50th birthday crushed and demolished by covid19! Now I just feel overwhelmed, stressed out, judged, afraid, have nothing to look forward to--the future just looks empty too!

I HATE todays reality. Just getting out of bed to face each day is a big accomplishment for me now.

I'm sure that will change as I get closer to Janessa's death date and the week after. Unfortunately those memory dates have not softened or been erased by time, they are permanently engraved into my mind and heart. I have tried to crochet butterflies and watch movies as distraction to get through each day, but, it hasn't worked quite as well as I had wanted it to.

Today is the day 11 years ago that I went to my last obgyn appt. and heard Janessa's heartbeat for the last time. My next appt. wasn't scheduled until March 12th--what ended up being 3 days after Janessa died. I don't remember much about this day. All I have is What Ifs.

What if I could go back in time and if I couldn't change anything and Janessa still had to die I made a recording of her heartbeat so I could hear it forever or had another ultrasound done so I could see her alive, one last time? What if I had the chance to say goodbye before she died? What if I knew she only had less than 10 days to live and I could fill those days with fun and joy and create memories for all of us?

What if I had told my doctor that her movements were slowing down and I demanded he did an ultrasound? What if I had known how important kickcounts are and I would have know what to do? What if we had seen that Janessa was in trouble on an ultrasound and done an emergency C-section today and either she lived for a minute and took a breath and opened her eyes so that the world would acknowledge her as an actual person and I would get all the promised blessing for sure. I would give anything to have 1 MINUTE with her!!! Or What if she actually lived and in 12 days we were actually celebrating her alive 11th birthday and most of the problems in my family would be erased--all the grief, stress, anxiety, ptsd--everything just gone replaced by joy and peace?????????

But, that is all I am left with is What If's and a big emptiness in my heart. :`(