Gage's Angel Birthday--Oct. 13

Happy Angel Birthday

Gage!



Day 13

Signs:  I call them Hugs From Heaven.  I consider Rainbows a hug from Janessa and Hope to say we love you and we're thinking of you.  Every beautiful sunrise and sunset is a hug from heaven.  Every time the wind blows the wind chimes I got for Janessa & Hope it is a hug from heaven and a way for them to say Hi Mom.  Seeing all the pinwheels blowing in the wind for me is a way for all of the angel babies to be saying hello.

Oct. 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today it is rainy, dark and gloomy outside, but, the weather prediction for Monday Oct. 15th is sunshine and 78 degrees.  I hope that stays true because that will be perfect for my PinWheel Healing Field and angel names in chalk.  See the picture below, now imagine that same lawn filled with over 125 pinwheels and little lights--it is going to be incredible!!!

As I have been rewriting names on the pinwheels for the ones that had started to fade, I discovered that both Janessa and Hopes big pinwheels have gone brittle again!!  Hope's has already broken.  I'm going to have to be really careful as I transfer them to my lawn or they will both break even more.  It just breaks my heart that I have to keep replacing their big pinwheels, I guess the Utah dry hot heat just isn't good for that type of plastic.  I've found a company that makes large stainless steal pinwheels that are guaranteed against rusting or breaking in any type of weather that I may get for Janessa and Hope's replacement pinwheels this next time.

I'm not sure if I will have a chance to do pinwheel pictures by Monday for the 3 angel babies on my pinwheel waiting list, but, I want RJ, Eden, and Brianna's Mommys to know that I have made a pinwheel for each of them and they will be placed out in the pinwheel healing field on Monday.  Hopefully, I can get their pictures done sometime next week.

Thank you Catherine for making me this ribbon!

 

((Hugs))

:`( Shauna :`)

:) Janessa & Hopes Mommy :)

 

Day 12

Scents:  The scent that I relate to Janessa is baby lotion/baby oil because the nurses put it all over her so all of the things she wore and her blanket smelled like that.  It is comforting to get her things out
 2 1/2 years later and there is still the faint smell of baby lotion/baby oil.

Makaya LeighAnn's PinWheel

Kristopher's PinWheel

Day 11

? :`(

Maya's PinWheel

Day 10

Symbols

My Symbols for Janessa are Butterflys, Rainbows and the color Pink.  Butterflys because Janessa is my precious butterfly that flew away too soon and rainbows because of this huge double rainbow that appeared in the sky when she was born.  I also associate pinwheels with Janessa because I would put pinwheels outside to represent each of her monthly angel birthdays. 

 

 

 

 My Symbols for Hope Abigail are Ladybugs, Hearts, PinWheels, and the color Yellow.  Ladybugs because of a ladybug I discovered inside my house during the winter last year that brought me hope and joy, hearts because Hope gave me the chance to open my heart and love a baby again but then broke my heart again and pinwheels because I started my blog Pinwheels from Heaven while I was pregnant with her.

Day 9

Special Place


This may seem like a weird place to be a special place, but, some times my closet is the only place I can hide from everyone and cry and think and write in my Janessa and Hope journals without constant interuptions. 

 

When I was pregnant with Janessa and was feeling overwhelmed with all the things that went wrong during that pregnancy, I would come in here and take out the beautiful little blessing dress we had bought for her and feel comfort as I reassured myself that it would all be worth it when I got to see her in this dress. Unfortunately, this dress became her burial dress and I never got to see her in it.  But I still associate this walk in closet with feelings of peace and calm.

 

 

The cemetery where Janessa is buried at times can be a special place for me to talk to my baby, but, a lot of the times this place just brings me sorrow and some times frustration.

Can I have her back Now?

Today 2 of my neighbors kids came over to play with my 6 year old daughter.  One of them is a 3 1/2 year old that is just a year older than what Janessa would be.  It was hard and comforting to see her playing with all the little kid toys that don't get played with very much at our house anymore.  As they were getting ready to leave I sat this little 3 1/2 year old on my lap and helped her get her socks and shoes on.  I guess it just hit me as I was holding her how cute and fun 3 year olds are.  It made me realize how much I am missing out on with Janessa. 

As I was cleaning up the other day I found a tag from one of the toys that said "Not recommended for 3 and under".  Again it reminded me that in less than 6 months Janessa will have her 3rd angel birthday.  She would be old enough to play with all those toys.

Here's my letter to God today: 

Dear God, you've had Janessa for almost 3 years now, could you send her back now?  I'm willing to have missed out on her babyhood and toddlerhood and we'll just call it even if you can just send her back so I can raise her from age 3 on up.  I miss her so much, it is so very hard to be apart from her.  Heaven seems like a really long ways away right now.  Can I please have Janessa back now?

Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy.

((Hugs))

:`( Shauna :`)

:) Janessa & Hopes Mommy :)

Day 8

Jewellery--pieces of jewellery in memory of your angel babies

Before I loss Janessa and Hope I hardly ever wore jewellery except on special occasions.  Now I'm hardly ever seen without my jewellery.  I guess for me this jewellery is a physical way for me to carry my angel babies with me wherever I go.

My Bracelets

My Necklaces

Day 7

What To Say:

I'm Sorry for your loss.

Let me talk about Janessa and Hope and show you pictures and remembrance items I have.

I'm thinking of you and remembering Janessa & Hope.

Sorry this is a hard day for you, you're in my prayers.

Happy Angel Birthday Janessa

Happy Angel Birthday Hope Abigail

Happy Angel Birthday Aunt DeAnn

On my journey through loss I have discovered that some of my own Grandmas loss children as babies.  I wish I could talk to them about how they managed to get through each of the hard days.  It makes me happy to know that my Grandmas are in Heaven now reunited with their angel babies and that they are helping to watch over Janessa and Hope Abigail for me.

Remembering you Aunt DeAnn and the 6 short days that you lived. <3

Happy Angel Birthday DeAnn!

 

Love, Your Niece Shauna

 

 

Day 6

What NOT To Say:

 

AND THE WORST THING OF ALL TO SAY

NOTHING!

 

Avoiding the person, or pretending it didn't happen, or never saying anything is worse than saying something stupid.  This makes us feel like we are freaks and have some horrible disease that no one wants to catch.

Day 5

Memorial

Oct. 15th PinWheel Healing Field

In my community on Sept. 11th every year they set up flags with the names of every vicitim of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.  It is a very humbling experience to walk amongst those flags and see all those names.

I've decided this year for the Oct. 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day to set up in my front yard a Pinwheel Healing Field.  I'm hoping the weather will cooperate with me.  My plans are to write all the angel baby names that I have done pinwheel pictures for in chalk on my sidewalk (this is to honor Genesis, Tiffany's Angel Baby who does Names on the Sidewalk, and is the reason that I started PinWheels from Heaven).  Then I will take all of the Pinwheels and place them in my grass in rows and place a battery operated candle by each pinwheel.  I think it will look amazing and I'm excited to honor our angel babies this way.  I will also put one large pinwheel out that doesn't have any name on it to represent all of the angel babies and their mommies that I haven't met yet. 

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)

Day 4

Most Treasured Items:

 

My clay figurine to represent Hope Abigail

 

 

My little bears to represent both Janessa & Hope

 

Janessa's hand and foot molds

  The dress and hat Janessa wore and the blanket she was wrapped in

 

Photos of Janessa

Scott Leland's PinWheel

Meredith's Angel Birthday--Oct. 3

Happy Angel Birthday

Meredith!



Day 3

 

Day 3 After Loss Self Portrait

 

 

Day 2

 

Day 2 Before Loss Self Portrait:

I don't feel comfortable putting pictures of myself or my living children on the internet so this is my creative solution.

Day 1 Capture Your Grief

Oct. 1st, 2012--Sunrise, West Jordan, Utah, United States

Claire's Angel Birthday--Oct. 1

Happy Angel Birthday

Claire!



October Thankful List

Here is my October Thankful list:

O ctober 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and being able to light candles for angel babies. (Light a Candle that evening at 7 p.m. in remembrance of an angel baby)

C loset--a place to hide when I'm falling apart and just need a chance to cry, think, or just be alone.

T rips with my family to get away from the "real world" for just a while.

O rganizations like SHARE and World Vision.

B aby Loss Mommy (BLM's) friends I have and those I haven't met yet.

E ncouraging emails from friends who tell me they are thinking of me and praying for me.

R eeces Peanut Butter Cups!