I never wanted to have to create another angel page for another child of mine--2 angels is 2 too many for me. 3 Angels is almost impossible to bear. Jason was our surprise Miracle baby. After 2 years of trying to get pregnant and constantly getting negative pregnancy tests, I had finally decided there were no more children to come to our family and I had finally accepted that and was okay with not having a rainbow baby and was ready to move into the next phase of my life. Then my period was a week late. Still didn't think anything of it because it has been late before. Then I started getting morning sickness. Still didn't get too worried because that has happened before too. I finally decided to just take a pregnancy test because that usually got my period started. I was shocked to see the plus sign show up right away. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. A week later I took another pregnancy test because I was sure that the first one had to be broken--nope, this one immediately showed a plus sign too. I was excited and scared all at the same time. I was so grateful to be given another chance to be pregnant. From the start I decided to not give into the fears I had because of my previous two baby losses. I wanted to be hopeful and enjoy each day I was given with this baby not waste them away afraid of a loss.
I wanted to do everything different with this pregnancy because I knew how precious each week was. I took pictures of my belly from week 5 on. I started a little pregnancy journal where I wrote letters every Sunday to my baby telling him of all the things we did that week. I got into my obgyn early and for that I am so grateful because I got to see my baby and see their heart beating at 8 weeks!!! I cried when I saw their heartbeat--it was the most beautiful and healing moment! I got all my pregnancy clothes out and lovingly washed them and had them in my drawers ready to be worn after we had told our kids. When I wore those pregnancy clothes I felt such joy and happiness because it reminded me of all the happy moments I had carrying Janessa. We told our other kids about the baby at 10 weeks 2 days because we wanted to get past the point where we miscarried Hope and then we felt pretty confident that we would be safe. Our kids were so excited for this baby! We gave him the nick name of "MaHyrum"--the brother of Hyrum because we were sure this would finally be our long awaited 2nd boy. We had fun as a family talking to "MaHyrum" and saying things like MaHyrum wants womb service of orange juice. I craved everything that was sour--pickles, orange juice, sour gummy worms--etc. I couldn't stand to eat peanut butter or lettuce. I was a lot more sick with morning sickness with this pregnancy than I was with Hope and that gave me great confidence and peace that everything would be okay this time. I got so tired during the day that I had to take naps in the morning and in the afternoon and by 9:30-10:00 p.m. I collapsed in bed because I was so tired. The morning sickness was the worst in the afternoon and evening hours. I chewed a lot of mint gum and ate ginger snaps and ritz crackers to help calm it down.
I looked forward to the holidays this year and going through them pregnant with Jason. I especially looked forward to Christmas. I was so excited to have Jason as my Christmas present this year. I looked forward to Christmas also, because I knew that we would be having the ultrasound and seeing a bigger version of him. I looked forward to feeling him kick and move inside me. I looked forward to seeing him be born and getting to hold him alive and see him open his eyes and hear his first crys. I was excited for his due date of April 25th because it was in between Janessa and Hope's angel birthdays and it would have been so healing to have this little rainbow be born at that time. I looked forward to finally being able to use those little snuggle blankets I bought for Janessa. I looked forward to decorating the wall in my room with images from the "Disney Planes" movie because my husband and I went and saw that movie in 3D 5 days before we took the pregnancy test and I remember getting really motion sick during some of the scenes and wondering why. That movie will always remind me of my precious little boy. I looked forward to putting the new bassinette and pack and play that I had bought for Janessa up and against the wall in our room and finally being able to use it!! I looked forward to having a baby in our house again and for our older kids to get some hands on Mommy training. I looked forward to making his first traditional teddy bear cake and buying him his first scoot car. I looked forward to all of the joy and happiness this little boy was going to bring to our home.
SUNRISE ON OCT. 9TH
We had planned lots of field trips for this baby so they could experience a life time of adventures in 9 months just in case they left us too soon too. Our first field trip was to be a field trip to Thanksgiving Point to celebrate that I had made it to 12 weeks and had survived the first trimester. Only problem is that 2 days before the 12 week mark I started spotting. After going into the obgyn's for a quick ultrasound check and being able to see my baby and his heartbeat again I felt reassured that everything was okay and that this was just a fluke thing. I felt reassured as others told me that they had spotted and everything had been okay. I felt pretty hopeful that my baby was fine and that we would see that the next day at the more detailed ultrasound scheduled for 2:30 p.m. On Oct. 10th I tossed and turned and just couldn't sleep. I got up and tried to sleep on the couch. I gave up and just sat there wide awake at 3 a.m. I began to worry and imagine the worst. I sang I am a child of God to my baby and Tender Mercies. Then as I dozed off I dreamt that I had a miscarriage but that my baby was big enough that I could hold him in my hand and that he was born alive and that I got to see him gazing at me and I kissed him and told him to go home now and be with Janessa and Hope and they would take care of him. That dream really shook me up when I woke up and discovered that my spotting had now become bleeding.
I called my obgyn yet again. They moved my ultrasound to 11:45 a.m. It was 10:30 a.m. when I called so I had to quickly drink 32 oz of water. It was then that I realized that I didn't have a car to get to the doctors because my husband had drove to work and my daughter had taken our other car to her college classes. I began to panic trying to call everyone to see if someone could give me a ride. I couldn't even get a hold of my husband. When I finally got a hold of him he told me that he had just drove down to the trax station and had rode in from there so there was no way he could get back in time. I finally got a hold of my parents and they quickly came over to give me a ride while my husband jumped back on trax to meet me at the doctors office. It was dark gray gloomy clouds and raining as I met up with my husband and we rode up the elevator 4 floors to the doctors office. I just felt a sense of dejavue remembering this long ride being pregnant with Janessa and with Hope going to get an ultrasound check to check for a heartbeat. Sitting in the waiting room and looking out at the gloomy rainy sky just reminded me of the view from my hospital room after we had been told that Janessa had died and we waited hour after hour for her to be born. It was the same ultrasound technician that had told us Hope was gone that did this ultrasound. She has no sympathy and she is really rough as she does an ultrasound. She said nothing and I knew this was bad. We saw the baby and I searched desperately for any sign of a heartbeat. Finally the lady told us the dreaded words that we have now heard 3 times "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat". I was in shock--how could this have happened yet again!!! I have done my time--God could not steal this baby away too. I was finally allowed to go to the bathroom and I just sat in there and wept. When I came out my doctors nurse came and hugged me and I wept again.
My doctor came in to talk to us and shared words of sympathy. I honestly don't remember anything he said because I was in shock. All I remember is leaving with another stupid collection cup and how angry and upset and sad I was. In the hallway to leave the office along all the walls are lined pictures of newborn babies. That was more than I could handle and I ended up running out of that office crying. We had to walk through the rain and get back onto trax to take us to the trax station to get our car. That was the longest 20 minutes of my life. My husband and I held hands--but we didn't speak a word--we just cried listening to all the stupid conversations going on around us. I just wanted to yell at everyone "SHUT UP" my life has just ended again and I don't want to hear all your stupid little trivial problems!!!!
We didn't know how to tell our kids that again God had taken their little sibling back to be with him. Part of me wished that we had never told our kids about the baby because I didn't want them to get hurt again. We chose to say nothing when we came in the house. I thought maybe after a couple of hours when I had dealt with my reality and could handle it better then maybe we could tell the kids and plan some fun activities to do really quick as kind of a what would you want to do if you only had 24 hours to live. I thought I would have all weekend because it took 5 days for me to miscarry Hope. At 2 p.m. I started gushing blood and I knew then that I was not even going to get another day and that the end was near. I quickly took another pregnancy test just so I could prove that I was pregnant up until that day and then my husband and I took pictures of us making hearts with our fingers over my belly. Then we quickly called our children in and I burst into tears as I told them that our baby had died and I was about to miscarry him. We took pictures with all of our kids making hearts with their fingers over my belly. We took a group picture looking down at all of our feet and my belly. We explained what a miscarriage meant and then we did a family group hug and cried together. That was different from Hope's miscarriage. Because we just told our kids were having a miscarriage and the baby is gone. We didn't explain anything and then we just left everyone to deal with the info. on their own feeling confused and lost. This time was so much better because we showed them that it was okay to feel sad and that we all would be here to support and love each other and get through this together.
Within 2 1/2 hours my miscarriage was over. It happened so fast I didn't even have a chance to even think about it. The one good thing was that we had experience and knowledge on our side this time so we knew what to do and what to look for and what had and hadn't worked with Hope. I cried literally watching my body eject my precious little baby from my life. I caught his little sac with him inside and held in lovingly in my hands. Then the reality of the whole situation hit and I just about passed out. My vision went dark, I got dizzy and couldn't stand up, I felt like I was to faint and throw up and I couldn't breathe. My husband helped me get down on my knees and just take some deep breathes. After a few moments I was okay and could breathe again. I held that little sac again and just wept. It was all over by 4:30 p.m.
On Sunday Oct. 6th I had knit little blue hats that I had already packed into my "hospital bag" that I was excited for Jason to wear after he was born. I was glad I had them now because one of the things that brought me peace with Hope was wrapping a little ribbon around the collection jar as a way for me to hold her and hug her. So I got out that little knit hat and put the jar inside of it as a way for me to hold and hug Jason one last time. That evening we again gathered our kids around and told them the baby was not longer inside of me and we decided together as a family on a name for our baby. That was a healing experience too as we could laugh and cry at the same time. We all felt good about the name Jason Nephi. And that his little nickname MaHyrum was part of him too. We decided that we had one boy on earth to tease and watch over his sisters here and that Jason's job was to tease and watch over and keep Janessa and Hope in line in Heaven.
That evening I wept as I held that little jar. I felt so awful that my baby was in there instead of safe inside of me. I wept again in the morning holding that jar knowing that the time was coming to say goodbye because we had to take it back up to the doctors. I just wasn't ready to say goodbye. I always hated the plain brown paper sack that they want you to put the jar in so you won't upset the other pregnant ladies you are sitting with in the waiting room. So I took my brown paper sack and decorated it with hearts and wrote Jason's name on it and wrote messages of love all over it. For me this little sack was his coffin and I wanted him to know how much he was and is loved and I wanted everyone who saw this bag to know that this was not just a mass of cells--this was our wanted--missed--and very loved baby. That really helped bring me peace and my nurse told me she was touched as she read all the messages. This time I wasn't afraid to open up the jar one last time and whisper I Love You and goodbye. As I looked inside I saw what looked like a little blood vein or something in the shape of a tiny little hand in the form of the sign language I Love You--that was so amazing and beautiful to see. (yes, I took a picture of it so I will have that forever) I closed the jar and kissed it and then lovingly placed it inside my decorated bag. To help me with the "empty arms" feeling that you have when you leave that jar and walk out of the doctors office I took the little hat I had knitted and that had been holding Jason's jar all night. That really helped a lot. In fact I have that little hat in my purse now so I can still feel like I am carrying him.
We still went to Thanksgiving Point, not to celebrate, but, to find peace. It is very hard to understand why God sent us this beautiful little miracle only to take him back 12 weeks later. I am grateful for every day that I got to share my life with this beautiful little boy. I am grateful that at my age I was allowed to get another positive pregnancy test and that I got to see him and see his heart beating--I will cherish those memories forever. I am heartbroken and grief stricken and I have a long road ahead of me again, but, I am NOT devastated--I have an internal peace and hope and calm to keep me anchored in the wild storm of emotions that surround me.
My little miracle Jason Nephi--I will Love You Forever and Always--I will always wish that we had had more time together, but, I will cherish forever the time that we had. You will always be in my heart.
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