Knit hats and Hard Moments

Over the weekend I knit some tiny hats for Janessa.  I know that sounds weird because she obviously can't wear them.  It is something I started doing 2 years ago.  It was really bothering me that there was all this snow all over her grave and that her little body was out there in the cold and storms.  It is just the mothering instinct in me that I need to protect my kids so knitting little hats and blankets to put on her grave during the cold months has helped me to feel like I am still able to mother her too.  I still don't like going out to the cemetery during the winter months, but, it does make me happy when there is snow now and I can make a giant snow heart over her grave and leave her a warm little knit hat and a pinwheel to spin and twirl in the winter gloom.

Had a really hard moment yesterday when I went on a walk with my kids. I have 2 neighbors that had alive babies 2 weeks after Janessa died. It's always been hard for me to see them. On our walk we got right to my other neighbors house who does preschool as she was letting them out and there was one Mom of those kids waiting to pickup her little boy from preschool. When we got back from our walk there was the other Mom of the other little kid just dropping her little girl off to preschool.  It just tore at my heart strings and was a big reminder of how differently my life should be with Janessa. No preschool and halloween artwork and parties for Janessa just an orange teddy bear and pinwheel and little pumpkins on her grave instead--doesn't really seem the same.