Honoring and Remembering my Little Jason

I'm trying to do things and order things in an effort to honor and remember my precious angel baby, Jason.  This is so hard!  I bought a little boy angel statue and a rainbow wind chime to put out by his angel sister's memorial stones.  I already had a big blue Pinwheel with stars on it to represent him so I wrote his name on it and took it outside to be with his sister's pinwheels.  It just made me mad--I want a baby not another pinwheel!  Then I tried looking to buy a memorial stone for him and I just broke down crying and couldn't do it.   I want to honor and remember him, but, right now I just want my baby back safe inside of me.  I want to deliver him alive in April.  I do not want another angel baby!  I do not want another angel memorial stone!  I just want my baby back!  This is so hard!

I changed all his due date tickers to be memorial tickers and I hate that too.  I had to take down all my pregnancy clothes that I just hung up 2 weeks ago because it just made me upset to see them.  Now it makes me upset to see my regular clothes there, it's as if I've just erased the past 12 weeks like it never happened.

I had forgotten how hard it is in the early part of new grief to just function in normal life.  I tried to go plan my kid's homeschool for next week and ended up bawling because all my books and things I had planned were sitting there on my desk for our group study we were suppose to do on Wednesday when this whole mess began.  It was hard to look at my weekly planning sheet remembering how naïve and stupid I was when I planned this last week not knowing that my life was about to fall apart again!!!  I find myself just staring at walls not able to do anything because my mind and heart just scream at me over and over again "my baby is dead!"  I get all emotional and upset every afternoon because I am reliving all the emotions of my miscarriage time.  I forgot how hard each week is as you relive all the memories for me it will be every Thursday this time.  It will also be hard every Friday because that is when I made it to another week and celebrated by wearing my rainbow socks and taking my weekly belly picture.  I HATE all of this new grief stuff.  I HATE that I have to do this for the third time.  I can only sleep for about 4 or 5 hours before I can't stand it anymore.  Eating is a forced chore for me now because it's like why bother my baby isn't there anymore for me to feed and take care of. 

I'm mad because I had made such strides in my grief healing process and I finally felt like I had my life back and that I was ready to start moving forward again.  Now I have slid backwards.  Thankfully not all the way back into the pit where I was with Janessa and Hope--I will never go back that far again because I have learned too much and grown too much and changed too much from loosing them.  I know I will be able to move forward again someday--I know I will be able to get back to the point in the healing process where I was--I'm just frustrated with the backward slide I'm having to go through.

Part of me wants to go find my grief cave again and just hide from everything and everyone for the next 6 months.  Part of me wants to go all super ninja exercise freak and loose weight like crazy as I throw my grief into exercise.  Part of me wants to become the miscarriage spokeswoman for the world and shout at everyone who minimizes this as "just a miscarriage!!!!"  But, most of me just wants this all to be a really bad nightmare and I just want to wake up.