Another Angel Baby

Today it was yucky gray clouds and rainy for most of the day.  It fit perfect for the horrible day I am having.  As I sat in my obgyn's office for the 2nd time this week today and stared out at all that yuck it reminded me of March 2010 watching it rain and rain as I sat in labor and delivery waiting for my stillborn baby Janessa to be born.  I should have known it was a premonition.  

Today I was almost 12 weeks pregnant with my Rainbow Baby.  I started spotting yesterday on a "9th" and went into the obgyn where they did a simple ultrasound and I got to see my baby and see his heartbeat.  This morning I started bleeding and I knew things were not right but, I continued to hope for the best.  At my 3rd ultrasound I was told those awful words that I have come to HATE "I'm so sorry there is no heartbeat--your baby is gone"  My 2nd hoped for rainbow baby taken from me again in early miscarriage.  I was given that stupid, awful, collection jar and sent on my way.  3 hours after that appointment my little baby and his sac fell into my hands as I went through another horrifying miscarriage--this one much quicker than Hope's was.  I held that sac this time and wept.  I am in shock and so heartbroken that my little surprise and miracle rainbow baby now sits in that horrible jar on my bathroom counter instead of safely inside me.  I am so in love with this baby--I saw him twice.  I cried at 8 weeks when I saw his little heart beating.  I have enjoyed wearing maternity clothes for the last 3 weeks.  This bleeding came out of the blue with no warning.  Yesterday I was happily enjoying life until I started spotting and I can't believe that tonight I am no longer pregnant.  I can't believe that instead of the joy and hope I was waiting for in April of 2014 I now have another hole in my heart.  How many holes can your heart endure before it stops beating all together?

I am so sad that now I have to add another big angel pinwheel to what is now Janessa, Hope's, and Jason's Pinwheel Garden.  I am angry that I have to get another memorial Christmas ornament instead of a Baby's First Christmas ornament.  I wanted more time with this baby.  I wanted to hold them alive for just 5 minutes.  I wanted a chance to feel them move and kick inside me.  I wanted at least another night to hold my baby close and mother them and love them until the end.  God couldn't even give me one more day. 

I'm trying to understand.  I'm trying to accept God's plan again.  I'm trying to remember that they are happy in Heaven with Janessa and Hope.

But for the next little while I am a grieving mother who faces the task of mothering 3 in Heaven now.  It is all overwhelming to me.  I need to cry, and yell and shout and be angry in order to find my hope again.  I don't want this to be my reality again--please someone wake me up from this nightmare.

Goodbye my little surprise miracle baby, Jason Nephi Cox.  I will love you forever and always!  I will miss you for all of this life.  Be safe and be happy with your sisters, Janessa and Hope until we get be together again.  Love, Mommy