Skyler Jack's PinWheel

Remembering Madison's Due Date--September 5th, 2012

 Madison's Due Date--September 5th, 2012

Sitting In The Rain

On Saturday my husband and I went to our first outdoor concert to see The Piano Guys.  We were so excited--wouldn't you know it that it hasn't rained here in over 30 days and all these dark clouds started rolling in around the time of the concert.  The concert was at the Thanksgiving Point Waterfall Amphitheater so we were going to be sitting on the grass.  By the time we got there it was raining like crazy and the grass was completely wet.  We put on rain slickers and plopped our blanket down and hoped for the best with the rest of the tons of people who were clad in rain slickers, umbrellas and tarps.  Despite the rain The Piano Guys continued with the show.  Thank goodness for a majority of the show it was just a little drizzle.  Near the end, it started to lightening and thunder and downpour.  I had a waterfall in front of my face as the rain ran off the hood of my rain slicker.  What amazed me was even though it was wet, yucky, chilly, and I looked like a dork in my rain slicker, and it was really miserable on the outside, my rain slicker kept me safe and dry on the inside and I was able to enjoy the show and find peace and happiness despite the outside conditions.

I guess that is what I am seeking for in my life a "PEACE RAIN SLICKER" that can help me to get through these storms of grief that sometimes make my life really miserable.  This grief storm will always be with me, sometimes as a light drizzle and sometimes as a violent storm, but, with my "PEACE RAIN SLICKER", it won't matter I will still be safe, calm, peaceful, and happy in the inside and still able to enjoy my life despite the grief.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Some youtube videos by The Piano Guys:

 

 

 

 

September Thankful List

Here is my September thankful list:

Sohani and being able to help her and her family

Ending of summer and 100 degree temperatures, Emails from Friends

People who care and remember I'm grieving and remember Janessa & Hope

Turning colors of the fall leaves

Every child I have--all Eight of them

My husband, My grief class, early Morning time to Myself

Butterflys

Every pregnancy I have been allowed to go through no matter how short.  Every precious memory I have of carrying babies inside me and feeling them kick and move.  Every living newborn I have watched take their first breath, heard their first cry, and been allowed to bring home alive.

Rainbows

110 PinWheels

I couldn't decide where I like the pinwheels the best, so for the month of September I split them into 2 groups, one part in the flower bed and the other part surrounding the wishing well.  This actually works pretty good because all the pinwheels have room to spin and twirl in the wind.

I faced one of my grief dragons again today as I went back to the store and attempted to buy the baby gift items.  Not only was I able to buy them, but, there were no tears, I just felt happiness for my friends and their rainbow babies and I felt peace and calm.

A Small Step on the Grief Journey, A Giant Leap in Courage

The other night I managed to take a small step forward on my grief journey.  For most people my little accomplishment may seem silly or not of worth, but, for me it was huge!  I forced myself to go back to my Share Grief Class. It has been over a year since I last went to one and I really didn’t want to go, but, I felt like I needed to go. Most of the people there were new and it helped me to not feel so sad about my life as I listened to their stories and what they had been through.  I needed to hear some of the women’s stories as they told about being able to hold other’s babies and the healing that brought to them. That is what I long to do, and I really believe that I could find healing in that, but, I’m terrified to hold someone else’s baby.

The next hard thing I faced was one of the women that I did know telling us that she was pregnant and her due date was in March, 2 days after Janessa’s b-day. That was really hard to hear. But, the next thought that came into my mind was this is why you are here tonight so that you can face her and know that it will be okay and that her baby will bring some much needed healing to me as Janessa’s 3rd angel birthday comes and that it will be something good to help replace some of the very hard memories that I have in that month. I wanted so badly to speak with her and this will sound really weird, but touch her pregnant belly and talk to her baby because I’ve had such a hard time seeing pregnant women. I chickened out in the class and was really disappointed in myself as I walked out to my van, but, amazingly she parked near me and I got up the courage to talk to her in the parking lot and tell her what a hard time I have had seeing pregnant women and babies but, how I long to hold a living baby so much, but, I’m so afraid. She let me put my hand on her pregnant belly and let me talk to her baby and that meant so much to me. It was an incredible first step forward for me. It makes me cry now just thinking about it and I still can’t believe I found the strength and courage to do it. The only problem is now I think I'm all cured of my grief.

 

 Yesterday I attempted to go to the store to buy some baby clothes as gifts for others.  I did manage for the first time in 2 1/2 years to go down the baby aisle and wander through the baby clothes and touch them and not cry my eyes out, but, it just set off so many memories and emotions that I couldn't get myself to buy anything but baby socks.  Then I came home and  had to lay down for the next couple of hours because I was so stressed from that experience.  I guess I was so disappointed in myself because I'm not all cured and as brave as I thought I was.  I have to keep reminding myself that grief is a journey, not a stopping off point, it will be with me for the rest of my life and things are going to take time for my new normal life to feel okay and normal to me.

 

Why do some of  the things that will bring healing and peace hurt the most?!!

 

(http://butterflyfootprints.blogspot.com/)

 

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

 

Things Don't Add Up

I have a Numbers Imbalance:

I have been through 8 pregnancies--yet I only have 6 living children

1x8=6??

I have been through 8 labor and deliveries--yet I only have 6 living children

1x8=6??

When I go places and people ask me how many kids I have I say 8, yet, when I do my mommy count and they count heads there is only 6 children with me.

1x8=6??

The numbers do NOT add up and sometimes that makes me angry, crazy, sad, and sometimes unable to cope with everyday life.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

p.s. I'm on twitter now janhopesha
 

Penny From Heaven

I found a penny as I went to get a cart at the grocery store yesterday.  I instantly thought of the poem Laken's Mommy sent me about how our angel babies toss pennies on the ground for us to find to let us know they are watching over us.  I picked it up and was happy to see that is was a 2011 penny--Thanks Hope Abigail!

I'm having a rough week.  There have been a lot of young couples (some of whom are pregnant) move into my neighborhood this past month who have 2 year olds the same age as Janessa.  It is so hard seeing all these little toddlers knowing my Janessa should be running around with them.  It is hard seeing the happy naive pregnant mommies.  I leap emotionally back and forth between extreme sadness and depression and extreme anger at God and the unfairness of life.  Sometimes I feel like God has forgotten about me and doesn't care how much I still hurt.  Sometimes I wonder when I pray if God even hears my prayers because the last little while it seems like everything I have prayed for He has given me exactly opposite of what I asked for.

I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to be brave, I'm trying to have faith, I'm trying to have courage, BUT, there is only so much I can take!!!!  The thought of having to deal with another year of watching pregnant women in my neighborhood happily go through their pregnancies and bringing home beautiful babies as the reward and then having to watch and hear those babies grow up again stabbing me in the heart as a constant reminder of what I did not get and having to see all these 2 year olds and their excitement about life and know what Janessa is missing, is more than I can bear right now.  I need to exile myself to a deserted island for the next couple of years so that my heart can heal and not be rewounded week after week!

I got really freaked out at the cemetery last week.  They were watering over Janessa's grave so I had to dodge sprinklers as I quickly put flowers and a pinwheel on her grave.  It really bothered me to see them watering her grave.  I know they have to to take care of the grass, but, I just feel very protective of where my baby is at and I don't want anyone doing anything around her grave or it freaks me out.  That probably sounded really weird--I guess I just need to be careful of when I visit her grave so it isn't when they are mowing or watering.  What I really wish is that I didn't have to visit a grave at all!!!  I wish I could just go down the hallway and see Janessa sleeping in a toddler bed and Hope sleeping in her crib.  I wish I didn't know anything about cemeteries and that I was still naive and only went to cemeteries on Memorial Day!!!!!!

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Carla's Pinwheel

William Stephen's Angel Birthday--Aug. 20th

Happy Angel Birthday

William Stephen!



Grandpa's Birthday in Heaven

My Grandpa who passed away before Christmas last year is celebrating his first birthday in Heaven this month.  My 2 little angel girls, Janessa and Hope, will be the only ones able to attend his party this year.

I had a dream about my Grandpa a while back ago after he had passed away and he was smiling and looked so very happy.  He was trying to direct my attention to people shorter than him who were just out of my view.  His eyes and smile seemed to be saying to me that I'm with your little girls, Janessa and Hope, and everything is going to be okay--we are alright and we are happy.  It brought me comfort and peace after I had that dream.

My Grandpa loved to Garden!  He grew vegetables, fruits, and flowers.  I loved to visit his greenhouse where he had music playing for all his vegetables and fruits.  I received a start from one of the flower bushes he had in his yard that belonged to my Grandma.  I was so happy to go outside in my yard last week and see that it was covered in flowers.  Seeing that flower bush helps me feel closer to my Grandpa & Grandma and my little angel girls.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Grandpa!

Love ya,

Shauna :)

August 19, 2012--A Day of Hope and Remembrance

My New Resume Skills

So for the last 2 weeks I have picked up some new skills to add to my resume:

TAXI CAB DRIVER--ability to handle driving in rush hour traffic without turning into a puddle of goo while driving (just when I get home--I have a melt down!)

TOILET PLUNGER SPECIALIST--ability to unclog a toilet when there seems to be no hope.

SINK UNCLOGGER SPECIALIST--ability to reach in and pull out really disgusting hair ball clogs and who knows what else out of a bathroom sink so the water runs freely again!

TOASTER FIXER--ability to diagnose and fix broken toaster (even if the first 2 diagnoses were wrong and almost threw toaster out and bought a new one)

Now if I could only figure out how to:

Fix my broken heart

Stop my Leaky Eyes

Figure out how to stop the hurt in my heart when I see babies and toddlers.

Figure out how to grow a money tree so I never have to worry about having enough to pay bills each month and so I can help more people.

Forgive and Forget others mean comments

Figure out how to answer the question how many kids do you have without giving out all the details.

Stop people from looking horrified when they hear I had a stillborn baby and either they walk away because they don't know what to say or they look at me like I have some really contagious disease.

Stop people from judging me when they hear that I still cry and get upset and visit my baby's grave even though it has been over 2 years.

Figure out how to not let Janessa and Hope be forgotten and erased and for people to stop acting like they never existed and for people to know how much it means to me when they remember.

Figure out how to make life fair and stop all babies and children from dying!

If I could just add those skills to my resume list then I think I could finally start living again instead of just existing!

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)



Bryston & Colton's Angel Birthday--August 15th

Happy Angel Birthday

Bryston & Colton!



Sebastion Rush's Angel Birthday--August 12th

Happy Angel Birthday

Sebastion Rush!



Emma & Chase's Angel Birthday--August 12th

Happy Angel Birthday

Emma & Chase!



Happy Feet Friday!

Today it is Happy Feet Friday for me.  Why?  Because for the last 2 weeks I have driven the same roads 48 times, endured rude, ornery drivers, stressed out driving in rush hour traffic, and spent 24 hours in my vehicle taking my daughter to and from her drivers ed class and yesterday she finally finished the class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been an endurance test for me, because I have gone to bed exhausted and woken up stressed and upset because I didn't want to do it all again another day, but, I got up and endured another day anyway.  One of my joys this week was coming home and putting an X on my calendar.  I guess one good thing, I've been so busy and stressed out that I haven't had a lot of time to think about my grief  or worry about my son who went to scout camp this week too, and came home in a bandaged arm and covered in scrapes, bruises, and blisters--a Mothers Nightmare!!

TGIF!

(Thank Goodness It's Friday!!!:)

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)



Flashback

Yesterday as I was driving I had a flashback to 2009 when I was 5 months pregnant with Janessa and one of my daughters was in a play that I had to drive her back and forth to practices for. I remember how hard physically it was for me to do that because I was huge and because I still had really yucky morning sickness.  I remember how Janessa would kick me and do a little dance everytime I got in the van and was driving. It made me happy/sad to remember all those memories. I miss being pregnant with Janessa, even though it was awful at the time. I miss feeling her move and kick inside me. I miss that she was in cradle position inside me so that when I layed down, I could put my arm under my belly and it was like I was holding and cradling her in my arms.  I wish I had more pictures of me when I was pregnant.

 I guess I just miss my baby today. :`(

This was taken Feb. 11, 2010--28 days before Janessa died.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Summer Marie's PinWheel

Happy 3 Month Angel Birthday Summer Marie!

Friendship and Change

I am sadappy this week.  My bff grief buddy has been given a rainbow healing experience that will not take away her grief, but, add some joy and beauty to this long and hard grief journey that will enable her to move forward on the grief journey not alone anymore, but with a new marriage partner to share lifes experiences with.  I am happy that she will not be alone anymore.  I am sad and a little jealous that I have not been able to find my own longed for rainbow healing experience and that I feel a little left behind and hopeless that I am stuck on the same spot in the grief journey with no hope of ever moving forward.

I am grateful for the past 2 years that my bff grief buddy and I have been able to understand and empathize with each other and help each other through some really hard moments.  We will always be friends and be there for each other, but, it will be in a different way now.  Change has always been really hard for me especially sudden, unexpected change like when Janessa and Hope died.  I have a hard time coping with change.  I wish my friend all the happiness in the world, but, at the same time wish that things were not changing at all.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Raegan's Angel Birthday--August 4th

Happy Angel Birthday

Raegan!



Chick-Fil-A

Guess what my family had for lunch today--Chick-Fil-A!  I normally don't buy fast food, but, today I wanted my voice to be heard!  It was the best 40 minute wait for food I have ever had!  I kind of feel like I just participated in the Boston Tea Party--2012 style!

August Thankful List

This is my August Thankful List:

Angel Babies--Janessa & Hope and all their Angel Friends
     Makes me happy to be able to do things to remember my angel babies and also other angel babies and to be able to help with other blm's and their angel baby projects to honor and remember each of their angel babies

Ultrasound Pictures.  I have more ultrasound pictures of Janessa than I have of all of my other children and I am so thankful for that.  I wish I had just 1 ultrasound picture of Hope.
      Upbeat days when I can handle life and all the grief and stress.

Garden of Pinwheels.  It amazes me how happy it makes me feel to come home from somewhere and see all the pinwheels spinning in the wind in my front flower garden.

Unexpected Hugs from Heaven.  Reading Updates on other blm blogs.  Unchanging and usual things that have stayed the same for the past 2 years.

Sohani, the little girl I'm sponsoring through world vision, and the joy it brings me to send her letters.

Tomatos fresh from my vegetable garden.  Tears that allow me to love and miss my little angel girls in the only way I can now.

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Eden Sky's Angel Birthday

Happy Angel Birthday

Eden Sky!

PEACE

I went out and watched the sunrise this morning.  It has been a while since I enjoyed Heavenly Fathers daily painting exhibit.  It was so calm and quiet and peaceful.  I truly felt Heavenly Fathers love.  I felt the love from my little angel girls Janessa and Hope.  I felt true PEACE.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

John 14:27

Be still, and know that I am God.

Psalm 46:10

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)

Amelia Grace's Angel Birthday--July 28th

Happy Angel Birthday

Amelia Grace!



The 1%

I've had a really hard time hearing people quote the statistic that only 1% of babies are born stillborn.  I'm glad that that number isn't any higher.  The problem is it makes you feel like a forgotten, unimportant statistic because you are only part of the 1%. 

People have no idea what it is like to be a member of that 1%.  The hurt, the pain, the horror, the grief, the unbelief, the devastation, the despair, the feeling of being an outcast because you are not part of the other 99% are all wrapped up in that neat little 1% number.  The awful feeling of knowing that your baby died inside of you is in that 1%.  Unerasable memories of knowing your baby is going to be born dead and then having their sweet little silent body placed on yours--never seeing them breathe, never hearing them cry, never seeing them open their eyes, never feeling them grasp your fingers--that is part of the 1%.  The avoidance, the conversations hushed as you approach, the friends loss all because you are part of the 1%.

It is awful being part of the 1% .  Somedays I really HATE being part of that 1%.  But that 1% is where I find my sweet angel baby Janessa and to not have known her at all is worse than being part of the 1%.

I find comfort in remembering the parable of the lost sheep.  Jesus left the 99 and went to help the 1.  Heavenly Father and Jesus care about the 1% and send special help for the 1%.  We may be forgotten by some and seen as just the mere 1%, but, we are remembered by Jesus and sometimes that is all that matters.

Because I am part of the 1%, I care about the 1% too!

Because I am part of the 1 in 4 that loses their baby to miscarriage/sids/other medical problems--I care

about the 1 too!

Luke 18:4-5

What man of you having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?

And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`)

:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)

Remembering Maxxton Today

Remembering 3 Angels Today

Taylor, Michael, Abigail

Happy 3 Month Angel Birthday Evelynn

Remembering you and your sweet brother Liam today.

Black Fingernails and Grief

I seem to be stuck in sad mode.  I told myself after Hope's 1st angel birthday that I would never paint my fingernails black again--I was done with that depressing grieving and I was going to move forward on my grief journey now.  Also because the black fingernail polish and glitter are really hard to remove.  Well, today I find myself sitting here with black fingernails with a streak of glitter.  I just find myself so empty and sad right now.  Every day I keep hoping that it will be a better day, only to find that the sadness of the previous day has followed me.  I long to hold and see both Janessa and Hope alive.  I need to have some good memories of them instead of just the sad depressing ones.  The image that is stuck in my mind for both of them is the last time I was with each of them as a nurse was taking them away.  In my mind I keep yelling at the nurse to stop and bring my babies back, but, she still keeps walking away.

I read a post today from another baby loss mommy, Stephanie, and the words she used to describe grief were perfect: 

"It's a lot like walking on the shore. The grief . . . the hurt . . . it's always there. Sometimes it's the little waves lapping at your toes and feet and other times, the waves crash over."

I feel like my grief has become a huge ugly storm of waves that are crashing over me and causing me to fall down right now.  Sometimes it is really hard to get back up.  Hopefully, the storm will pass soon and the waves will calm and go back to just lapping at my feet. 

Hugs,

:`( Shauna :`|

:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)



Bradyn's Angel Birthday--July 21st

Happy Angel Birthday

Bradyn!

Ladybugs and Forget-Me-Nots

I felt true joy and happiness today for just a moment.  When I went into my closet I noticed what I thought was a black bug crawling on the ceiling.  I grabbed toilet paper and a stool and was already to squish that annoying bug when I realized it wasn't a black beetle bug, but, it was a ladybug that had somehow made it into my house and into my closet.  Ladybugs are the only bugs that I really like.  I instantly thought of Hope because that is the symbol that I associate with her is a ladybug.  I needed a little hope today.  I scooped the frantic little ladybug into my hand and gently carried it outside lovingly talking to it like I was its mother and then released it onto one of my flowers where I knew it would be much happier than in my closet.

When I turned around I noticed that finally after waiting and waiting and waiting for my forget-me-nots to start getting flowers, I finally had my first flower!  So I've got a little hope today along with a reminder that I am not forgotten--joy for a moment, but, I'll take what I can get!

Hugs,

:`) Shauna :`)

:)Janessa & Hope's Mommy:)