I seem to be stuck in sad mode. I told myself after Hope's 1st angel birthday that I would never paint my fingernails black again--I was done with that depressing grieving and I was going to move forward on my grief journey now. Also because the black fingernail polish and glitter are really hard to remove. Well, today I find myself sitting here with black fingernails with a streak of glitter. I just find myself so empty and sad right now. Every day I keep hoping that it will be a better day, only to find that the sadness of the previous day has followed me. I long to hold and see both Janessa and Hope alive. I need to have some good memories of them instead of just the sad depressing ones. The image that is stuck in my mind for both of them is the last time I was with each of them as a nurse was taking them away. In my mind I keep yelling at the nurse to stop and bring my babies back, but, she still keeps walking away.
I read a post today from another baby loss mommy,
Stephanie, and the words she used to describe grief were perfect:
"It's a lot like walking on the shore. The grief . . . the hurt . . . it's
always there. Sometimes it's the little waves lapping at your toes and feet and
other times, the waves crash over."
I feel like my grief has become a huge ugly storm of waves that are crashing over me and causing me to fall down right now. Sometimes it is really hard to get back up. Hopefully, the storm will pass soon and the waves will calm and go back to just lapping at my feet.
Hugs,
:`( Shauna :`|
:) Janessa & Hope's Mommy :)
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(((HUGS))), dear. I know how dark the days can be sometimes. I pray for comfort for you, and I hope that it arrives soon. Love you! xoxo
ReplyDelete{{{ Hugs }}} & thinking of you always & remembering your precious girls <3 Janessa <3 Hope <3
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