I'm tired of enduring. I'm tired of people telling me to be strong. I am weak. I am frustrated. I am angry. I am sad. I am the Mother of 3 Angel Babies--I am enduring and coping the best I can and right now that isn't very good.
Janessa's PinWheels
Janessa's 10th Angel Birthday
Hope's 7th Angel Ticker
Jason's 6th Angel B-day Ticker
Rae Anne 6th b-day Ticker
Our Anniversary
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Remembering Jason
It has been 4 long weeks today since my miscarriage. I have been reliving it every day this week and the memories are overwhelming. Every day that goes by I find myself more depressed and sad. The reality of this whole mess has hit me right in the face and I am having a really hard time coping with it all. I feel like such a failure because 3 times now I have tried to bring home an alive baby and 3 times my body has failed me. I look at others who are able to carry a baby through a normal pregnancy and have an alive baby and I just don't understand why that can't be me. Why have my babies been stolen from me? Why have I been kicked off the rainbow bus twice now? Why again for the 4th year since Janessa died are there more people in my neighborhood who are pregnant and due between March and May--it hurts so much to have to see their living babies knowing what I have been cheated of again and again and again!!! Why did I even get pregnant this time when we weren't trying and build up hope seeing his heartbeat only to have him taken away so quickly at 12 weeks? I have all these things, jewelry/statues/pictures, etc., that are all of 2 angels and now they don't fit my situation and that makes me so angry. Why has my peace and hope for the holidays been ripped away from me for another year?
I'm tired of enduring. I'm tired of people telling me to be strong. I am weak. I am frustrated. I am angry. I am sad. I am the Mother of 3 Angel Babies--I am enduring and coping the best I can and right now that isn't very good.
I'm tired of enduring. I'm tired of people telling me to be strong. I am weak. I am frustrated. I am angry. I am sad. I am the Mother of 3 Angel Babies--I am enduring and coping the best I can and right now that isn't very good.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
My Daughters book is now Published!
After a month delay because of my miscarriage my daughter's book Twisted is now published!!! It is available in kindle format and regular book format. She has worked very hard on this book for the past 2 1/2 years and it has been her way to find peace and deal with her grief of loosing now 3 siblings, Janessa, Hope, and Jason.
If you are able to buy her book to support her that would be great. If you can just like her Twisted Facebook page that would be great. If you could help us spread the word about her book by sharing this on your face book page that would be AWESOME!
To Buy her book in Regular Book Format click this link TWISTED
To Like her Face Book Twisted page click this link TWISTED FACEBOOK PAGE
To Buy her Kindle version of her book click this link TWISTED KINDLE VERSION
THANK YOU <3
If you are able to buy her book to support her that would be great. If you can just like her Twisted Facebook page that would be great. If you could help us spread the word about her book by sharing this on your face book page that would be AWESOME!
To Buy her book in Regular Book Format click this link TWISTED
To Like her Face Book Twisted page click this link TWISTED FACEBOOK PAGE
To Buy her Kindle version of her book click this link TWISTED KINDLE VERSION
THANK YOU <3
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
A Hug From Heaven
I have
created a new blog called A Hug From Heaven.
I love seeing my angel babies names written by others, to me this is a
"Hug From Heaven" from them. A Hug from Heaven will offer customized
name prints for angel babies, rainbow children, and sunshine children (children
born before a loss) that will be emailed to you. Some prints will be customized
using computer software with names digitally added in and other prints will be
a block name picture.
My hope is that when you see your child's name written in the picture that it will be a "Hug From Heaven" for you.
First names only work best for most pictures so that it doesn't look crowded. I am unable at this time to sell pictures to anyone who lives in the state of Utah. So NO orders from people who live in Utah.
My hope is that when you see your child's name written in the picture that it will be a "Hug From Heaven" for you.
First names only work best for most pictures so that it doesn't look crowded. I am unable at this time to sell pictures to anyone who lives in the state of Utah. So NO orders from people who live in Utah.
Right now I
am offering 8 different Fall Scene block name pictures for only $3 each. Please visit my blog at http://ahugfromheaven.blogspot.com/2013/11/fall-block-name-picture-offer
to learn more.
Jason's Memorial Stone
Jason's memorial stone came over the weekend. I was so upset that I just left the box unopened on my bed for a couple of hours because I didn't want to see it. I did not want to place another stone in my remembrance garden!
My husband and I opened it together--I needed his support. It turned out so beautiful and perfect. It fit perfectly next to Hope's memorial stone.
It just makes me so upset that I have to put another memorial stone out there. This is NOT what I wanted for Christmas this year! I wanted to be 22 weeks pregnant almost 6 months along. I wanted to have had an ultrasound and to have seen him moving and kicking and I wanted to feel him moving and kicking--I wanted that extra bit of healing all of that would have brought for the holidays--that's all I wanted for Christmas. But, again, I get another hole in my heart, another memorial stone to decorate, another holiday to endure.
My husband and I opened it together--I needed his support. It turned out so beautiful and perfect. It fit perfectly next to Hope's memorial stone.
It just makes me so upset that I have to put another memorial stone out there. This is NOT what I wanted for Christmas this year! I wanted to be 22 weeks pregnant almost 6 months along. I wanted to have had an ultrasound and to have seen him moving and kicking and I wanted to feel him moving and kicking--I wanted that extra bit of healing all of that would have brought for the holidays--that's all I wanted for Christmas. But, again, I get another hole in my heart, another memorial stone to decorate, another holiday to endure.
Remembering Grace McDonnell Nov. 4th
Remembering
Grace McDonnell
on her Angel Birthday
(Sandy Hook Angel)
Grace Audrey McDonnell, 7
Grace Audrey McDonnell, 7, was a "girly girl" who loved playing dress-up and wearing pink, her grandmother told Irish Central, and her family hopes to keep her legacy alive through the Grace Memorial Fund at the Fairfield County Community Foundation. Donations can be mailed to the Fairfield County Community Foundation, 383 Main Avenue, Norwalk, CT 06851.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
NOT 15 Weeks
The first holiday Jason and I would have celebrated came up during my NOT 15 weeks. This is really hard--I wanted to celebrate every moment and let Jason experience a lifetime of fun while we were together and now He is missing all of it. My hopes and plans were ripped away from me too when I loss Jason--this sucks!!
I painted my fingernails black and we went up and decorated Janessa's grave.
I finished 3 PinWheel Pictures for Angels Ethan Thomas, Noel, and Abba Gale
Took my daughter out to get her birthday shake and then we stopped at a craft store to pick up some more yarn for my "Jason Hats" and I found this cute little ornament with Jason's name on it.
Received more name pictures for Jason's 1 Month name event coming up on Nov. 10th that I will be using for his Angel Baby Book--I love each one of these--it means so much to me to see his name <3
I painted my fingernails black and we went up and decorated Janessa's grave.
I held my friends beautiful 7 week old baby girl for an hour and experienced a peace and joy that is indescribable especially when she grabbed hold of my finger snuggled into me and slept peacefully.
I finished 3 PinWheel Pictures for Angels Ethan Thomas, Noel, and Abba Gale
We split into teams in our family and had a pumpkin decorating contest. This was one of the fun family activities we had planned with Jason in mind so he could experience a lifetime of fun while he was inside me--it really sucks... that he wasn't even here to experience it :`(
I was with the 3 younger kids and my husband was with our 3 older kids. My team bedazzled and made patterns with glow lights and then made a happy little ghost on ours--definitely a "girly" pumpkin while the older group carved an AWESOME batman symbol in theirs.
I was with the 3 younger kids and my husband was with our 3 older kids. My team bedazzled and made patterns with glow lights and then made a happy little ghost on ours--definitely a "girly" pumpkin while the older group carved an AWESOME batman symbol in theirs.
Took my daughter out to get her birthday shake and then we stopped at a craft store to pick up some more yarn for my "Jason Hats" and I found this cute little ornament with Jason's name on it.
Received more name pictures for Jason's 1 Month name event coming up on Nov. 10th that I will be using for his Angel Baby Book--I love each one of these--it means so much to me to see his name <3
From His Aunt Pam
From Gale
From His Sister
From His Sister
From His Dad
From Amy
From Patricia
From Tash
From Amanda
From Krystina
From Catherine
From Amanda
Finished 3 little hats for the 3 weeks that we have been apart.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
A Caged Tiger
Today I feel like a caged tiger pacing back and forth inside my grief cage. I feel trapped, I feel sad, I feel like a failure, I feel jealous, I feel angry, I feel EMPTY! Back and forth I pace remembering just a couple of weeks ago the freedom I felt as I had been let out of my grief cage and was moving forward on my grief journey only to be slammed back inside the cage after only a couple months of freedom!! What did I do to deserve being thrust inside this grief cage 3 times now?!!!! This sucks so bad—why did this have to happen to me again—I hate this stupid grief cage!!! I feel so torn apart and half crazy—I want to flee from all this sorrow—but there is no where far enough that I could go that it would not find me and thrust me back into the grief cage. So now I pace back and forth, back and forth, until I’ve done my time inside the grief cage again and am allowed my freedom once more.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
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