Remembering Jason

It has been 4 long weeks today since my miscarriage.  I have been reliving it every day this week and the memories are overwhelming.  Every day that goes by I find myself more depressed and sad.  The reality of this whole mess has hit me right in the face and I am having a really hard time coping with it all.  I feel like such a failure because 3 times now I have tried to bring home an alive baby and 3 times my body has failed me.  I look at others who are able to carry a baby through a normal pregnancy and have an alive baby and I just don't understand why that can't be me.  Why have my babies been stolen from me?  Why have I been kicked off the rainbow bus twice now?  Why again for the 4th year since Janessa died are there more people in my neighborhood who are pregnant and due between March and May--it hurts so much to have to see their living babies knowing what I have been cheated of again and again and again!!!  Why did I even get pregnant this time when we weren't trying and build up hope seeing his heartbeat only to have him taken away so quickly at 12 weeks?   I have all these things, jewelry/statues/pictures, etc., that are all of 2 angels and now they don't fit my situation and that makes me so angry.  Why has my peace and hope for the holidays been ripped away from me for another year? 

I'm tired of enduring.  I'm tired of people telling me to be strong.  I am weak.  I am frustrated.  I am angry.  I am sad.  I am the Mother of 3 Angel Babies--I am enduring and coping the best I can and right now that isn't very good.